Author Topic: Humor....I need Humor!  (Read 1403883 times)

Offline Baradium

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #540 on: September 01, 2006, 04:30:26 PM »
BARADIUM---Showed your enhanced "women=evil" post to my wife and without missing a beat she replied "now there is one lonely bachelor" :(

Ouch!

Tell her she just made my point.  ;)

-Ryan
"Well I know what's right, I got just one life
In a world that keeps on pushin' me around
But I stand my ground, and I won't back down"
  -Johnny Cash "I won't back Down"

Offline happylanding

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #541 on: September 01, 2006, 05:54:41 PM »
Anyway, they were flying into Atlanta with a number of thunderstorms around, his f/o is giving a cabin announcement when they get struck by lightning on the nose.   Here's what the passengers get.... there's a really loud boom, the plane starts shaking, the lights are flickering in and out... and in the middle of all this the f/o is screaming his guts out over the intercom!  Poor guy hadn't ever been struck by lightning before and didn't take it very well at all (granted a nose strike is supposed to be fairly exciting).

Oh my! They mustn't have had a nice time!

You made me remember that some days before my PPL exam, I was flying with my former, boyfriend to be, and he had told me I should have taken off in a specific way. I completely forgot, and then I started yelling, cursing how I had taken off, probably with the worst vocabulary with which I could come out. I was completely shut up when he stopped my cursing, saying something like "Gosh....MISS, I wonder how your boyfriend can manage with you".

« Last Edit: September 01, 2006, 05:57:54 PM by happylanding »
I give that landing a 9 . . . on the Richter scale.

Offline Baradium

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #542 on: September 01, 2006, 06:25:13 PM »

Oh my! They mustn't have had a nice time!

You made me remember that some days before my PPL exam, I was flying with my former, boyfriend to be, and he had told me I should have taken off in a specific way. I completely forgot, and then I started yelling, cursing how I had taken off, probably with the worst vocabulary with which I could come out. I was completely shut up when he stopped my cursing, saying something like "Gosh....MISS, I wonder how your boyfriend can manage with you".



LOL!  Sounds like you were pretty hard on yourself...

On trap some people get into is that they worry so much about a previous mistake that they keep making more, leading to a crash.  When you mess up, it's bad, but you have to get past it.  Once you're back on the ground then you can be mad at yourself.  ;)


I have a ton of jokes, but most of them are on my other computer, which needs a power supply fan and is currently in Georgia in boxes...


Here's one...

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her
body hurts wherever she touches it.

Impossible!" says the doctor "Show me."

The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her left breast and screams,
then she pushes her elbow and screams in even more agony. She pushes her
knee and screams; likewise she pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere
she touches makes her scream.

The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?"

"Well, no" she says, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."
« Last Edit: September 01, 2006, 06:28:44 PM by Baradium »
"Well I know what's right, I got just one life
In a world that keeps on pushin' me around
But I stand my ground, and I won't back down"
  -Johnny Cash "I won't back Down"

Offline Baradium

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #543 on: September 01, 2006, 06:35:41 PM »
For the cops out there....


"Police Quotes"

"The handcuffs are tight because they're new.
They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"So, you don't know how fast you were going.
I guess that means I can write anything I
want on the ticket, huh?"

"Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor,
but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention
that I am the shift supervisor?"

"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm
warning you not to do that again or I'll give
you another ticket."

"The answer to this last question will
determine whether you are drunk or not.
Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"

"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets
and my wife gets a toaster oven."

"Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."

"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We
used to have quotas, but now we're allowed
to write as many tickets as we want."

"Just how big were those two beers?

"In G~d we trust, all others are suspects."

_______________________________________________________________
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

-Ryan
"Well I know what's right, I got just one life
In a world that keeps on pushin' me around
But I stand my ground, and I won't back down"
  -Johnny Cash "I won't back Down"

Offline Mike

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #544 on: September 01, 2006, 06:55:32 PM »
HA HA !!!
The police ones a great!  How refreshing!

I just came back here from browsing through the AOPA forum and once again was turned off by everybody bickering, calling people names, and taking themselves too seriously.
I have over 7000 flight hours and have been in aviation for over 14 years (over 18 if you count RC planes) but all these guys know so much more than me...it's amazing! makes me feel stupid!  ;)  ;D


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Offline Ted_Stryker

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #545 on: September 01, 2006, 07:47:08 PM »
Having once been a police dispatcher, I can likewise appreciate the great cop ones.  I know a lot of jokes of that genre too, but wouldn't post them here due to most being strong rating .... or worse  ;) |:)\

Mike, I know what you mean about that forum!  I've had similar experiences with it, and others.  Just remember the phrase that I coin whenever I deal with such individuals....

"Those of you that think you know everything are annoying those of us that DO!"   ;D

Then, of course, there's the other one that I like which is a quote from good 'ol Albert Einstein....

"Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds!"

Which only goes to also prove the third axiom of life.....

"There are people out there that shouldn't let their minds wander... they're too weak to be out alone!"

 ;D ;D ;D ;D
« Last Edit: September 01, 2006, 07:48:51 PM by Ted_Stryker »
We're going to have to come in pretty low!  It's just one of those things you have to do... when you land!  -- Ted Striker - Airplane!

Offline Frank N. O.

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #546 on: September 01, 2006, 09:20:35 PM »
Great jokes, some of them should be used by actual cops to scare dumb/reckless people! The speed one was great :D

I know about big forums being one big flame-fest, like Race Sim Central, it's bloddy hell and ruins all the fun of the games/sims, I was a super mod there but I left since I couldn't stand the tone there, despite hard attemps of me and my 100+ colleauges to try various ways of keeping it in order.

This place is like a Sky Haven (location from Crimson Skies) or like Louis' Bar from Take Spin (another great one, and I'm actually thinking of replacing the GT90 avatar with a avatar of Balloo to try and fit in better).

I'm sorry I can't contribute any jokes at this time, but I wanted to say thanks and confirm that this is a great place  |:)\
I'm sad to hear the great AOPA I've read so much about isn't a better place :( But with my luck I'm never getting near a plane other then that one time in 2002 so...
Frank
"When once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been, and there you will always long to return."
— Leonardo da Vinci

Offline Baradium

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #547 on: September 01, 2006, 09:40:08 PM »
I just came back here from browsing through the AOPA forum and once again was turned off by everybody bickering, calling people names, and taking themselves too seriously.
I have over 7000 flight hours and have been in aviation for over 14 years (over 18 if you count RC planes) but all these guys know so much more than me...it's amazing! makes me feel stupid!  ;)  ;D

When you started in aviation, I wasn't even 10 yet.  ;)

I don't even have 700 hours yet either.  ;)

I ask my captains after every flight for criticism, anything I did that I can improve on.  The senior guys have thousands and thousands of hours of turboprop time in these conditions.  I want to learn as much as I can from them.  After all, if I can do this stuff, any other type of airline flying would be a piece of cake!

I think every pilot needs to remember that everyone still has something they can learn.  You can't know everything, as much as you might like to.  Correction isn't an attempt to insult, it's an opportunity to learn more... hence my requesting it at the end of each day of flying, or each flight if a segment included a lot of tough flying (like shooting an ILS in a sigmet for moderate to severe turbulence in the vicinity of the airport... that one was actually pretty fun).

Flight time can be misleading as well sometimes.  You have a lot more than me, but I might know a thing or two about Alaska that you don't.  Although I'd like to think that overall you probobly can put me to shame any day of the week in overall aviation knowledge.  ;)

One of the things about aviation is that everyone is specialized to a degree.  Someone who does VFR all the time might not know much about the IFR environment, someone who does a lot of charters might not be aware with current airline procedures and regs etc.  An airline captain won't know what a cropduster is allowed to do and some places are weird by themselves.  For example, there are a lot of regs that seem to say "...except in Alaska."  Stuff that is legal here and part of every day operations would get you violated and possibly cause your ticket to be pulled in the lower 48.

The worst part about a message board is that if you post something wrong, you *will* get corrected.  Even if it's just to make sure that wrong information isn't spread.

On which note,  Ted  I hope I didn't offend you with the ILS thread, it's been bugging me since I posted that I might have come off too strong in that one.


Anyway, that's enough of a somber type rant in a joke thread, how about back to the fun stuff?

-Ryan
Fairbanks, Alaska
"Well I know what's right, I got just one life
In a world that keeps on pushin' me around
But I stand my ground, and I won't back down"
  -Johnny Cash "I won't back Down"

fireflyr

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #548 on: September 01, 2006, 09:49:37 PM »
HA HA !!!
The police ones a great!  How refreshing!

I just came back here from browsing through the AOPA forum and once again was turned off by everybody bickering, calling people names, and taking themselves too seriously.
I have over 7000 flight hours and have been in aviation for over 14 years (over 18 if you count RC planes) but all these guys know so much more than me...it's amazing! makes me feel stupid!  ;)  ;D
Speaking of Cop jokes---I like the one where the cop tells the perp "if you move, I'll make your birth certificate worthless paper!"

As far a being a good pilot, hell, I learned long time ago that a lot of pilots are better/smarter/more experienced than I am and if you don't believe me, just ask THEM!!! ;D ;D

Offline Ted_Stryker

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #549 on: September 01, 2006, 11:00:05 PM »
I just came back here from browsing through the AOPA forum and once again was turned off by everybody bickering, calling people names, and taking themselves too seriously.
I have over 7000 flight hours and have been in aviation for over 14 years (over 18 if you count RC planes) but all these guys know so much more than me...it's amazing! makes me feel stupid!  ;)  ;D

When you started in aviation, I wasn't even 10 yet.  ;)

I don't even have 700 hours yet either.  ;)

I ask my captains after every flight for criticism, anything I did that I can improve on.  The senior guys have thousands and thousands of hours of turboprop time in these conditions.  I want to learn as much as I can from them.  After all, if I can do this stuff, any other type of airline flying would be a piece of cake!

I think every pilot needs to remember that everyone still has something they can learn.  You can't know everything, as much as you might like to.  Correction isn't an attempt to insult, it's an opportunity to learn more... hence my requesting it at the end of each day of flying, or each flight if a segment included a lot of tough flying (like shooting an ILS in a sigmet for moderate to severe turbulence in the vicinity of the airport... that one was actually pretty fun).

Flight time can be misleading as well sometimes.  You have a lot more than me, but I might know a thing or two about Alaska that you don't.  Although I'd like to think that overall you probobly can put me to shame any day of the week in overall aviation knowledge.  ;)

One of the things about aviation is that everyone is specialized to a degree.  Someone who does VFR all the time might not know much about the IFR environment, someone who does a lot of charters might not be aware with current airline procedures and regs etc.  An airline captain won't know what a cropduster is allowed to do and some places are weird by themselves.  For example, there are a lot of regs that seem to say "...except in Alaska."  Stuff that is legal here and part of every day operations would get you violated and possibly cause your ticket to be pulled in the lower 48.

The worst part about a message board is that if you post something wrong, you *will* get corrected.  Even if it's just to make sure that wrong information isn't spread.

On which note,  Ted  I hope I didn't offend you with the ILS thread, it's been bugging me since I posted that I might have come off too strong in that one.


Anyway, that's enough of a somber type rant in a joke thread, how about back to the fun stuff?

-Ryan
Fairbanks, Alaska

I agree with you on that everyone can learn something from others.  I have learned things from zero-time non-pilots with regard to certain things in aviation due to them seeing things either from a passenger perspective, or their viewpoint as a controller, mechanic, etc.  So I never discount those inputs.  My making light of things on the AOPA forum (and others) was simply to point out that there are people out there that don't know what they are talking about but like to pretend they do, or otherwise have input that is unwelcome because it denegrates the individuals being responded to, which is not appropriate under any circumstances.

The military rule of praising in public and disciplining in private should hold even in public forums, but unfortunately there are those out there that don't adhere to such basic precepts of respect, so you end up needing such philisophical approaches as the ones I mentioned to allow such things to bounce off without harm.  I would say "like water off a duck's back", but we're talking Chickens, not Ducks  ;D ;D

Anyway, please don't take my post as being dismissive, nor an attempt to say that even those with irate attitudes don't have things of value to say.  I know you didn't direct your response towards me, but I thought I should post this so people understand my attempts at humor are not to be misconstrued.

 |:)\ :)
We're going to have to come in pretty low!  It's just one of those things you have to do... when you land!  -- Ted Striker - Airplane!

Offline Baradium

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #550 on: September 02, 2006, 12:02:41 AM »
As long as we're all one big happy family, right?  ;)

I almost told another story, but the unfortunate thing about true ones is you know the people involved might stop by and read them!
"Well I know what's right, I got just one life
In a world that keeps on pushin' me around
But I stand my ground, and I won't back down"
  -Johnny Cash "I won't back Down"

Offline Mike

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #551 on: September 02, 2006, 04:42:18 AM »

Flight time can be misleading as well sometimes.  You have a lot more than me, but I might know a thing or two about Alaska that you don't.  Although I'd like to think that overall you probobly can put me to shame any day of the week in overall aviation knowledge.  ;)


You have a very good point there!  |:)\
 But I think what keeps us "experienced" pilots in the air is that we realize that and that I would probably come to you for advice if I ever make it to AK asking YOU for advice, regardless how many flight hours I have.
Here is one argument I alsways have with the airline guys that comes to mind. They laugh at 7000 hours, especially the cross-atlantic guys. But they have 1 (one!) landing for every 10 flight hours. I do an average of 40 landings per every 10 flight hours in my job. I am pretty proficient when it comes to landings....
...and so on.... I am sure you get my point.

I just mentioned this in another thread:
I just drive the damn thing!

I am in aviation and in the forums to have fun. I am not interested in a aviation version of the Jerry Springer show.
I hope this forum will accomplish that!
In the AOPA forum, one of the guys admitted to insulting some of the guys by saying: "That's the way I am. I would say it to your face in real life as well if you meet me. I can be a jerk...."
Great argument !!!      (NOT >:()
Just because you're Jerk in real life and are not hiding behind the anonymity of a forum doesn't make it right! ! ! !

Anyways....look at me gettin all caught up in this petty s#!t !!!

This is supposed to be a happy forum, let's post some more jokes!!!  :D


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Offline Baradium

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #552 on: September 02, 2006, 07:12:11 AM »

You have a very good point there!  |:)\
 But I think what keeps us "experienced" pilots in the air is that we realize that and that I would probably come to you for advice if I ever make it to AK asking YOU for advice, regardless how many flight hours I have.
Here is one argument I alsways have with the airline guys that comes to mind. They laugh at 7000 hours, especially the cross-atlantic guys. But they have 1 (one!) landing for every 10 flight hours. I do an average of 40 landings per every 10 flight hours in my job. I am pretty proficient when it comes to landings....
...and so on.... I am sure you get my point.

I just mentioned this in another thread:
I just drive the damn thing!

I am in aviation and in the forums to have fun. I am not interested in a aviation version of the Jerry Springer show.
I hope this forum will accomplish that!
In the AOPA forum, one of the guys admitted to insulting some of the guys by saying: "That's the way I am. I would say it to your face in real life as well if you meet me. I can be a jerk...."
Great argument !!!      (NOT >:()
Just because you're Jerk in real life and are not hiding behind the anonymity of a forum doesn't make it right! ! ! !

Anyways....look at me gettin all caught up in this petty s#!t !!!

This is supposed to be a happy forum, let's post some more jokes!!!  :D

My dad said he flew with a pilot who used to do the Kneecap flights over the atlantic (when they used to always have planes aloft over the ocean to ensure command continuity).  He told me that the guy was a nice guy with thousands upon thousands of hours... and couldn't fly the airplane worth anything.  My dad said it was like the only thing he knew how to do was fly in circles.  ;)

I think we average a landing an hour, but since we alternate legs I usually get fewer.  Right now I think I have around 2 per hour on average for my total time... being on the flight team meant I had a lot of flights of .6 with 5 landings and so on.  ;)  I did have to adapt my flight team techniques (competition spot landings among other things) somewhat going to a twin turboprop though... Beech 1900s don't like flying slow as much as a 152 does (don't ask).

The other thing about those trans altantic guys is, how many hours do they have where they were actually flying?  We only have one 1900 with an autopilot (and it's a recent addition to the fleet and only has George because George is cheaper to keep than remove).  Thus, we do a lot of hand flying.  Those guys hit buttons.  90% of their flight time is sitting there reading a newspaper.  One of the recent upgrade captains spent 20 years flying a Piper Navajo.  Those are single pilot and guess what?  They have an autopilot.  I can tell that he's used to an autopilot when we're in cruise on one of his legs.  ;)

I almost wonder if some day companies might start being interested in how much autopilot time you have. 
"Well I know what's right, I got just one life
In a world that keeps on pushin' me around
But I stand my ground, and I won't back down"
  -Johnny Cash "I won't back Down"

Offline Plthijnx

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #553 on: September 02, 2006, 03:48:42 PM »
/threadjack.

during their silver anniversary, a wife reminded her husband, "Do you remember when you proposed to me, I was so overwhelmed that I didn't talk for an hour?"

The hubby replied, "Yes, honey, that was the happiest hour of my life."
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline Plthijnx

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #554 on: September 02, 2006, 03:49:45 PM »
can't remember if this one had been posted or not....

There's a lot to be said about marital bliss...
A while back there was an opening in the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are extremely difficult to fill, requiring an extensive background check, training, and testing before candidates are even considered for the position. After reviewing several applicants and completing all the checks and training, the field was narrowed to the three most promising candidates. The day came for the final test, which would determine which of equally qualified candidates, would get the job.

The final candidates consisted of two men and one woman. The men administering the test took the first candidate, a man, down a corridor to a closed door and handed him a gun saying, "We must be completely assured that you will complete your assignments and follow instructions regardless of the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife, seated in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man, looking completely shocked said, "You can't be serious! I could never kill my wife." The CIA man said, "Well, then, you're obviously not the man for the job. Take your wife and go home." They brought the next candidate in, the other man, and repeated the instructions. This man took the gun, walked into the room and closed the door. However, after five minutes of silence, the door opened and the man handed the CIA tester the gun, saying, "I just couldn't do it. I couldn't kill my wife. I tried to pull the trigger but I just couldn't do it." The CIA man said, "Well, then, you're obviously not the man for the job. Take your wife and go home."
Then they brought the woman down the corridor to the closed door, handed her a gun, and said, "We must be completely assured that you will complete your assignments and follow instructions regardless of the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your husband, seated in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun, walked into the room, and before the door closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing. One shot after another, for thirteen shots, the noise continued. Then all hell broke loose. For the next several minutes, the men heard screaming, cursing, furniture crashing and banging on the walls; then suddenly, silence. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!"
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown