Author Topic: Humor....I need Humor!  (Read 1419464 times)

Offline G-man

  • Alpha Rooster
  • *****
  • Posts: 2047
  • Cogito sumere potum alterum.
Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1935 on: September 05, 2008, 05:24:30 PM »
Airtac--did you write this one ::whistle:: ::whistle::


It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.


My name is Jim. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Terri. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Terri to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.


Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.


She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.


Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think? For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.


When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.


I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Terri. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy.

Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.

However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.


Signed,

Jim


EDITOR'S NOTE:

Jim died suddenly on February 7 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Terri was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Jim, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.
Life may not be the party we hoped for---but while we're here--we might as well dance..........

Offline Rooster Cruiser

  • Alpha Rooster
  • *****
  • Posts: 1996
  • Retired Chicken Hauler
Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1936 on: September 05, 2008, 09:35:23 PM »
By now you've probably heard that Anheuser-Busch was sold to a Belgian company.

Help me in boycotting Anheuser-Busch since they are sellouts.

Drop your Budweiser off at my house & I will dispose of it.

We'll teach those bastards!   ::rambo:: ::rambo:: ::rambo:: ::rambo:: ::rambo:: ::rambo::
"Me and Earl was haulin' chickens / On a flatbed outta Wiggins..."

Wolf Creek Pass, by CW McCall

Offline FlyboyGil

  • Alpha Rooster
  • *****
  • Posts: 1640
  • AW, CRAP!!!
    • MYSPACE!!!
Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1937 on: September 06, 2008, 01:37:49 AM »
Apple Announcement

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast
implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size.

This has been hailed as a major social breakthrough,
because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
IF YOU CAN'T SAY ANYTHING NICE, YOU'RE PROBABLY AT THE ICE CAPADES

Offline Fabo

  • Chicken Farmer
  • Alpha Rooster
  • *****
  • Posts: 967
  • If flying is a drug,then I am a first class addict
Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1938 on: September 06, 2008, 01:25:56 PM »
R/C: Hmm... do you dispose of original Budweiser Budvar too?

Maybe you will need a helper with that amount you know... ;D
"When once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been, and there you will always long to return."

Offline Frank N. O.

  • Alpha Rooster
  • *****
  • Posts: 2446
  • Spin It!
Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1939 on: September 09, 2008, 10:24:17 PM »
Very nice jokes :)

4X: Every single one except the silver flying manta are actual working aircraft. Even the flying barrel was tested I think, made after an old design and proved to work.
Other planes are Rutan designs, F-22 system's test aircraft, homebuilts, special cargo-transports, ecranoplans (aka wing-in-groundeffect craft) missing the outer wings. Oh yeah, the first one is at scalemodel testing stage I think. One was made in UK but lately an almost identical design was listed under a big US aicraft maker name, the round things are hoovercraft cushions that can both work conventionally to land on water or in reverse to keep the vehicle stable when unloading it's weight.

Frank
"When once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been, and there you will always long to return."
Leonardo da Vinci

Offline 4X-NTY

  • Rooster
  • ****
  • Posts: 274
  • Everythings is alright
Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1940 on: September 10, 2008, 02:18:14 PM »
Frank even this one?



I just can't see how this wing can produce lift...
Nitay "Pitz" Ronen

Offline Frank N. O.

  • Alpha Rooster
  • *****
  • Posts: 2446
  • Spin It!
Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1941 on: September 10, 2008, 03:07:05 PM »
Uhm, are you by any chance mistaking the red winglet for the wing-profile itself? Here's a picture of the exact same aircraf airborne:
http://www.airliners.net/photo/Italy---Protezione/Canadair-CL-415/1288184&tbl=photo_info&photo_nr=5&sok=WHERE__%28reg_%3D_%27I-DPCH%27%29_&sort=_order_by_photo_id_DESC_&prev_id=1293862&next_id=1283525

Frank
« Last Edit: September 10, 2008, 03:09:44 PM by Frank N. O. »
"When once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been, and there you will always long to return."
Leonardo da Vinci

Offline cotejy

  • Rooster
  • ****
  • Posts: 252
Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1942 on: September 10, 2008, 06:00:21 PM »
CL-415 water bomber. I saw those one in flight. They are very active in Canada during the forest fire season. They scoop water from small lakes without stoping. They are real flying boat. Once, I was flying up north and saw 5 of them flying in formation they pass a few thousen feets above me. Another story about those. I was preparing for a flight and saw one of them on final. Trust me these wings are very efficient. It was flying so slow I just couldn't believe how it could stay there without stalling. When a flight instructor came in he told me this:

He was doing takeoff and landings with a student on runway 24L with a Cessna 172. The CL-415 was landing on 24R. They were both final and this instructor just couldn't believe that he was faster on final then the 415. So he took control of the airplane, drop full flaps and slow down just above stall speed. I wouldn't had believe him if I haven't saw the 415 final approach but he said the 172 was still faster.

EDIT: i just find out this video. http://archives.radio-canada.ca/sciences_technologies/technologie/clips/5551/ You could see the airplane scooping water and drooping it.
« Last Edit: September 10, 2008, 06:07:03 PM by cotejy »

Offline 4X-NTY

  • Rooster
  • ****
  • Posts: 274
  • Everythings is alright
Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1943 on: September 10, 2008, 06:36:13 PM »
So it's a winglet...! Would've knew there was something like that that i couldn't see.... next time I'll do a little research...
Nitay "Pitz" Ronen

Offline G-man

  • Alpha Rooster
  • *****
  • Posts: 2047
  • Cogito sumere potum alterum.
Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1944 on: September 13, 2008, 04:07:26 PM »
Back to humor....

I just went home for 3 days..First morning I woke up with a killer hangover after going out with some friends. I did'nt remember how I got home. It's 8.30. What day is it? Thursday. My wife must have gone to work. As I struggled into consciousness through the fog of a pounding headache, my stomach plummets as I wondered what the hell I did last night.
 
I forced myself to open my eyes, and the first thing I see is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a little vase of sweet peas, freshly picked from the garden. I sat up. The bedroom is clean and tidy, there is no trail of drunkenly abandoned clothes, fresh air is coming in through the window and all is serene. I stumbled to the bathroom, also pristine, and, squinting gingerly into the mirror, I see that I have a black eye. This is not a good sign, but no memories are returning.

As I concentrate hard on getting the world into focus, I see a post-it note stuck on the corner of the mirror. It is written in red, with little hearts on it and a kiss from my wife. 'Breakfast is in the oven. Try to eat something and go back to bed for the morning. There's a helicopter show on TV this afternoon. Take it easy today; hope your eye doesn't hurt too much. See you tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Kat. xoxo ' I stumbled to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the newspaper. My teenage daughter is sitting at the table, eating. Bracing myself, I drum up the courage to ask what happened the previous night.
 
'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.'

Confused, I asked, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order, aspirins by the bed, a nice note, and breakfast waiting for me?'

She replies, 'Oh THAT!... Mom dragged your sorry ass to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your trousers off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone you whore, I'm married!!'

Broken Coffee Table $250
Hot Breakfast $3.50
Two Aspirins $0.25
Saying the right thing, at the right time......PRICELESS

And now I am back to work....

 


« Last Edit: September 14, 2008, 04:20:34 AM by G-man »
Life may not be the party we hoped for---but while we're here--we might as well dance..........

Offline Rooster Cruiser

  • Alpha Rooster
  • *****
  • Posts: 1996
  • Retired Chicken Hauler
Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1945 on: September 14, 2008, 03:52:31 AM »
Quote
and when she tried to take your trousers off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone you whore, I'm married!!'

<Gasp!>  G-man, do you mean to imply that all fling-wing drivers are this faithful?   :o
"Me and Earl was haulin' chickens / On a flatbed outta Wiggins..."

Wolf Creek Pass, by CW McCall

Offline Mike

  • Supreme Overlord
  • Alpha Rooster
  • *****
  • Posts: 3376
Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1946 on: September 14, 2008, 10:41:34 PM »
This must come from Alex or some of the other women Chuck is trying to date.....

 
>           Quote for the day: 
>   'Whatever you give a woman, she's going to multiply.
>   If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.
>   If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.
>   If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.
>   She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.' 
>   So - if you give her crap,
>   you will receive more shit than any one human being can handle!
 


Dear IRS: Please cancel my subscription.

Offline G-man

  • Alpha Rooster
  • *****
  • Posts: 2047
  • Cogito sumere potum alterum.
Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1947 on: September 14, 2008, 11:37:39 PM »
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives her husband a big kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.
The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Merc and Lexus in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous lady on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier," she replies.

=============================================================================================================

A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet. "What's with that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked. "It's not a gong. It's a talking clock", the drunk replied.

"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.

"Yup", replied the drunk.

"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.

"Watch", the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed,

"You asshole. It's three-fifteen in the morning!"

===============================================================================================================

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
* Get your drunk ASS off the merry-go-round.

===============================================================================================================
Oldie but good

Helicopter Pilot Saves Life of Airplane Pilot in a Horse-Back Riding Mishap

An airplane pilot with the USFS narrowly escaped serious injury recently when he attempted horseback riding with no prior experience. He mounted the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately began moving. As it galloped along at a steady and rhythmic pace, the pilot began to slip sideways from the saddle.

Although attempting to grab for the horse's mane he could not get a firm grip. He then threw his arms around the horse's neck but continued to slide down the side of the horse. The horse galloped along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, losing his grip, the pilot attempted to leap away from the horse and throw himself to safety. His foot became entangled in the stirrup, and he was at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as his head and upper body repeatedly struck the ground.

Moments away from unconsciousness and probable death, to his great fortune a Helicopter pilot, shopping at Wal-Mart, saw him and quickly unplugged the horse!   

Life may not be the party we hoped for---but while we're here--we might as well dance..........

airtac

  • Guest
Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1948 on: September 15, 2008, 03:36:51 AM »
Gordy, I'm really grateful about the horse thing but I thought you weren't going to tell anyone :-\

Offline G-man

  • Alpha Rooster
  • *****
  • Posts: 2047
  • Cogito sumere potum alterum.
Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1949 on: September 15, 2008, 03:43:18 AM »
Gordy, I'm really grateful about the horse thing but I thought you weren't going to tell anyone :-\

Ahhh--couldn't help it..

Here is another oldie but goodie:

An old southern country preacher from Georgia had a teenage son named David and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.

Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:

- a Bible,

- a silver dollar,

- a bottle of whisky and

- a Playboy magazine

I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself, "and when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up.

If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!

If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be OK.

But if picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, that a shame that would be.

And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he's gonna be a skirt-chasin' bum."

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's Centerfold.

"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered, "he's gonna be a helicopter pilot!"
Life may not be the party we hoped for---but while we're here--we might as well dance..........