Author Topic: Humor....I need Humor!  (Read 1389970 times)

Offline G-man

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1890 on: July 21, 2008, 10:32:52 PM »
My Resimay

Deer Sir,

I waunt to apply for the secritary job what I saw in the paper. I can Type real quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting.

I think I am good on the phone and no I am a pepole person,  Pepole really seam to respond to me well.

Im lookin for a Jobb as a secritary but it musent be to complicaited

I no my spelling is not to good but find that I Offen can get a job thru my persinalety.  My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth,

I can start imeditely.  Thank you in advanse fore yore anser.

hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.

Sinseerly,
Peggy May Starlings

PS : Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me.



Employer's response:......

Dear Peggy May,

It's OK honey, we've got spell check .
Life may not be the party we hoped for---but while we're here--we might as well dance..........

Offline G-man

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1891 on: July 22, 2008, 02:12:58 AM »
A small zoo near Glasgow acquired a very rare species of gorilla . Within a few weeks the gorilla , a female , became very difficult to handle .

Upon examination the veterinarian determined the problem . The gorilla was in season . To make matters worse there was no male gorilla available .

Thinking about the possible solutions to their problem , the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby McKay , a local lad and part time worker responsible for cleaning out the animal cages .

Bobby , like many Glasgow folk , had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species . The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution . Bobby was approached with a proposition . Would he be willing to mate with the Gorilla for 500 pounds ? Bobby showed some interest but said he would have to think the matter over carefully .

The following day Bobby said he would accept the Zoo Keeper’s offer but only under four conditions

1 “First “ , Bobby said “ Ah’m no gonnae kiss her on the lips” . The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition .

2 “ Second” , he said “ Ye cannae never tell naebody aboot this” . The Keeper again readily agreed to this condition .

3 . “Third” , Bobby said , “ I want all the weans raised as Celtic fans” . Once again it was agreed .

4 “ Forth “ , Bobby said “ it’ll take me a wee while to raise the five hunred punds” .
Life may not be the party we hoped for---but while we're here--we might as well dance..........

Offline Rooster Cruiser

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1892 on: July 22, 2008, 06:30:00 AM »
Dang, where is Oddball's reply to this one?   ::whistle:: ::drinking::
"Me and Earl was haulin' chickens / On a flatbed outta Wiggins..."

Wolf Creek Pass, by CW McCall

Offline Oddball

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1893 on: July 22, 2008, 10:56:30 AM »
My reply is this R/C:

 ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl::
folk from glasgow are like that. im all right since im on the East coast and not the west.
 
Hold on R/C what are you saying?  ::thinking:: ::unbelieveable:: ::eek:: ::loony:: ::complaining:
« Last Edit: July 22, 2008, 01:23:40 PM by Oddball »
"You can teach monkeys to fly better than that!"and "spring chicken to sh**e hawk in one easy lesson"

Offline Oddball

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1894 on: July 22, 2008, 11:05:53 AM »
A man walks into a pub and orders a pint, he spots a large jar full of money sitting on the counter top and asks the bar man about it,
the barman replies:  "well see that horse in the corner? if you can make him laugh you win the cash"
the man orders another pint and walks over to the horse giving it the other pint, they talk for a while and then the horse burts out laughing. the man walks up the counter and walks off with the jar.
A few weeks later he goes back into the bar and sees another jar full of money.
"This time if you make him cry you win the cash" says the barman.
so the man orders two pints and walks over to the horse.  two minutes later they both head off into the toilets not long after the horse comes out crying and the man heads over to collect his winings.
"here you !" says the barman "i want to know a couple of things. one how did you make the horse laugh and two how did you make him cry?"
the man replies: "well to make him laugh i told him i had a bigger dick than him and to make him cry i showed him."
"You can teach monkeys to fly better than that!"and "spring chicken to sh**e hawk in one easy lesson"

Offline Oddball

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1895 on: July 22, 2008, 11:10:39 AM »
Paddy and Murphy walk go into a pub and order two pints of guinness. they go off and sit down at a table and pull out a couple of sandwhiches, the barman sees this and storms over to them "here you two no eating your own food in here!" he shouts so paddy and murphy swop sandwhiches. (bad joke i know)

"You can teach monkeys to fly better than that!"and "spring chicken to sh**e hawk in one easy lesson"

Offline G-man

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1896 on: July 24, 2008, 08:28:47 PM »
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me…It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less.

She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view.. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her ‘little’ sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn’t say a word. She said, ”I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.” I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, “We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.”

And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.
Life may not be the party we hoped for---but while we're here--we might as well dance..........

Offline TheSoccerMom

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1897 on: July 25, 2008, 03:13:52 AM »
Which reminds me of.....

One day a mom is in the kitchen and happens to overhear her young pre-schooler talking to his little friend Mary outside the open window.  She's SHOCKED when her little angel son Gordy says:  "You know what I found yesterday?  There was a condom on the patio!"

She's even MORE shocked when little Mary replies:  "What's a patio??"

 ::rofl::

 ::rofl::
Don't make me come back there!!!!

Offline G-man

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1898 on: July 25, 2008, 04:16:43 PM »
Which reminds me of.....
One day a mom is in the kitchen and happens to overhear her young pre-schooler talking to his little friend Mary outside the open window.  She's SHOCKED when her little angel son Gordy says:  "You know what I found yesterday?  There was a condom on the patio!"
She's even MORE shocked when little Mary replies:  "What's a patio??"
 ::rofl::
 ::rofl::

Ahhhhh I counter with this..

3 guys were talking about their daughters one day..

Guy 1 says "You know, I found a bottle of scotch in my daughters room the other night---I did not even know she drank"..  ::eek::

Guy 2 says "I got ya beat--last night I found a pack of cigarettes in my daughters room--I did not even know she smoked"..  ::unbelieveable::

Third guy says "I have one up on both of you--Last night I found a condom  ::unbelieveable:: in my daughters bag---all these years and I did not even know she had a dick"..  ::sick::
Life may not be the party we hoped for---but while we're here--we might as well dance..........

Offline G-man

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1899 on: July 25, 2008, 04:17:15 PM »
A Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.

The wife was very upset about this and asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'

Maria: 'Well Senora, there are three reasons why I want an increase.
The first is that I iron better than you.'

Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband said so.'

Wife: 'Oh.

Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'

Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband did.'

Wife: 'Oh.

Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.'

Wife (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'

Maria: 'No Senora, Jose the gardener did.

SHE GOT THE RAISE.
Life may not be the party we hoped for---but while we're here--we might as well dance..........

Offline Rooster Cruiser

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1900 on: July 31, 2008, 07:24:05 AM »
Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die. This is so priceless, and so, so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today.!!!

Now some people are really stupid!!!!

A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank. Here is the exchange:

Family Member: 'I am calling to tell you she died in
January.'

Citibank: 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member: 'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'

Citibank: 'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'

Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'

Citibank: 'Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!'

Family Member: 'Do you think God will be mad at her?' (I really liked this part!!!!)

Citibank: 'Excuse me?'

Family Member: 'Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?'

Citibank: 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.' (Duh!)

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member: 'I'm calling to tell you, she died in January.'

Citibank : 'The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.' (This must be a phrase taught by the bank!)

Family Member: 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'

Citibank: (Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'

Family Member: 'No, I'm her great nephew.' (Lawyer info given)

Citibank: 'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'

Family Member: 'Sure.' (Fax number is given )

After they get the fax:

Citibank: 'Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know
what more I can do to help.'

Family Member: 'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could
just keep billing her. I don't think she will care.'

Citibank: 'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.'(What is wrong with these people?!?)

Family Member: 'Would you like her new billing address?'

Citibank: 'That might help.'

Family Member: ' Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number 69.'

Citibank: 'Sir, that's a cemetery!'

Family Member: 'What do you do with dead people on your planet???



(Priceless!!)

 ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl::
"Me and Earl was haulin' chickens / On a flatbed outta Wiggins..."

Wolf Creek Pass, by CW McCall

Offline Mike

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1901 on: August 01, 2008, 09:32:22 PM »
The bottle of Merlot:
 
 A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually
attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant. 

So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the
gentleman who is seated over there.' ..and indicated the sender with a
nod of his head. 

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man,
then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was
lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it
to the gentleman. 

The note read:

'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your
garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants '

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in
return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him
to deliver it to the lady. 

It read:

'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I
have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in
my several garages;  I have beautiful homes in Aspen , Miami , and a
10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana   There is over twenty million dollars in
my bank account and portfolio.
But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you are, would I cut off three
inches.
Just send the bottle back.'


Dear IRS: Please cancel my subscription.

Offline gibbo_335

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1902 on: August 06, 2008, 12:42:28 AM »
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
 Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for
 my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my
 pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
 
 I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
 to go home and come back later.
 
 The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
 
 So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She
 said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me'
 and she processed my Social Security application.
 
 When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my
 experience at the Social Security office.
 
 She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might
 have gotten disability, too'
 
 And then the fight started.....
 
 ********
 
 My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school
 reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging
 her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
 
 My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed,
 'She's my old girlfriend.
 
 I understand she took to drinking right after we split up
 those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
 
 'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go
 on celebrating that long?'
 
 And then the fight started.....
 
 ********
 
 I rear-ended a car this morning.
 So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other
 driver got out of his car.
 
 You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and
 little things just seem funny?
 Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!
 
 He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I
 AM NOT HAPPY!!!'
 
 So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one
 are you?'
   
 And then the fight started... .
 
 ********
 
 A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is
 not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I
 look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
 
 The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
 
 And then the fight started.....

 
YEWWWwwwwwwwww

Offline gibbo_335

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1903 on: August 07, 2008, 01:07:01 AM »
Two blonde girls were working for the city public works
department.

One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the
hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down
the other, then moved on to the next street, working
furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the
other girl filling it in again. An onlooker was amazed at
their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were
doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort
you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it -- why do you
dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up
again?"


The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it
probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team.
But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick."  ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl::
YEWWWwwwwwwwww

Offline FlyboyGil

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1904 on: August 10, 2008, 11:50:10 PM »
Don't know if these were ever posted before:

      

33 Greatest lies in aviation

1. I'm from the FAA and I'm here to help you.

2. Me? I've never busted minimums.

3. We will be on time, maybe even early.

4. Pardon me, ma'am, I seem to have lost my jet keys.

5 .I have no interest in flying for the airlines.

6. I fixed it right the first time, it must have failed for other reasons.

7. All that turbulence spoiled my landing.

8. I'm a member of the mile high club.

9. I only need glasses for reading.

10. I broke out right at minimums.

11. The weather is gonna be alright; it's clearing to VFR.

12. Don't worry about the weight and balance -- it'll fly.

13. If we get a little lower I think we'll see the lights.

14. I'm 22, got 6000 hours, a four year degree & 3000 hours in a Lear.

15. We shipped the part yesterday.

16. I'd love to have a woman co-pilot.

17. All you have to do is follow the book.

18. This plane outperforms the book by 20 percent.

19. We in aviation are overpaid, underworked and well respected.

20. Oh sure, no problem, I've got over 2000 hours in that aircraft.

21. I have 5000 hours total time, 3200 are actual instrument.

22. No need to look that up, I've got it all memorized.

23. Sure I can fly it -- it has wings, doesn't it?

24. We'll be home by lunchtime.

25. Your plane will be ready by 2 o'clock.

26. I'm always glad to see the FAA.

27. We fly every day -- we don't need recurrent training.

28. It just came out of annual -- how could anything be wrong?

29. I thought YOU took care of that.

30. I've got the field in sight.

31. I've got the traffic in sight.

32. Of course I know where we are.

33. I'm SURE the gear was down.
IF YOU CAN'T SAY ANYTHING NICE, YOU'RE PROBABLY AT THE ICE CAPADES