Humor....I need Humor!

[airtac]

You mean they do???

I wouldn't be gentleman if I answered that

[Rooster Cruiser]

You mean they do???

I wouldn't be gentleman if I answered that

No one ever accused me of being a "Gentleman"   

[Turbomallard]

Add feathers, subtract spouse from this and you've got Chuck!!!!!

http://worteldrie.com/flash/emergency.swf

TM

[PiperGirl]

Frosty 'toons

[Mike]

Add feathers, subtract spouse from this and you've got Chuck!!!!!

http://worteldrie.com/flash/emergency.swf

TM

almost looks like our Top-Gun/airshow strip...
I wonder where his idea came from....

[Rooster Cruiser]

This was sent to me by email.  Technically most of the runner-ups do not qualify for the Darwin Awards since in order to qualify you have to have removed your Stupid Genes from the Human Gene Pool by a spectacular means.  All of these stories are pretty funny, nonetheless.

Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.
 
  [My personal favorite is #10...]
 
  Here is the glorious winner:
 
1.  When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California , would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.
 
 
 
And now, the honorable mentions:
 
 2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine  and, after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He t ried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's  claim was approved.
 
 3.  A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
 
 4.  After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found  that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare  to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver  went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He  then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that  the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The  deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
 
5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds  received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries,  the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get  his head to a moving train before he was hit.
 
6.  A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and  asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a  gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly  provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20  bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15.
[If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]
 
7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd
just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze,
and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the
window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the
head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of
Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
 
 
8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her  purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to  give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police  apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the  store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, " Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady
I stole the purse from."
 
9.  The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan , at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]
 
10.  When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a
Seattle street , he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at
the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near
spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to
gt; steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank
by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that
it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
 
 
In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with your friends
and family... unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a
distant relative or long-lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant
and hope they remain lost.

[Oddball]

more engineering complaints:

compliant: heavy landings experienced while using auto land
reply: no auto land fitted to this aircraft

[Oddball]

you may of heard some of these before but what the hey:

Conversations between Air Pilots and Control Towers!!
>
>
>
>While taxiing at London Gatwick, the crew of a US Air flight departing
>for
>
>Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United
>767.
>
>An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew,
>screaming
>
>"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right
>onto
>
>Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there.
>
>I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between Cs and Ds,
>but
>
>get it right!"
>
>Continuing her tirade to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting
>
>hysterically: "God, you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to
>sort
>
>this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You
>can
>
>expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want
>you to
>
>go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You
>got
>
>that, US Air 2771?"
>
>"Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
>
>Naturally the ground control frequency went terribly silent after the
>
>verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to engage the irate ground
>
>controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at Gatwick was
>
>running high.
>
>Then an unknown pilot broke the silence and asked: "Wasn't I married to
>you
>
>once?"
>
>______________________________________________________________________
>
>A DC-10 had an exceedingly long rollout after landing with his approach
>
>speed a little high.
>
>San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end of the
>runway,
>
>if able. If not
>
>able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the
>lights
>
>and return to the airport."
>
>______________________________________________________________________
>
>Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7"
>
>Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,
>when
>
>we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the
>runway."
>
>Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on
>124.7.
>
>Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
>
>Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes,
>we
>
>copied Eastern and have already notified our caterers...."
>
>______________________________________________________________________
>
>The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a
>
>short-tempered lot.
>
>They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to
>
>get there without
>
>any assistance from them.
>
>So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the
>
>following exchange
>
>between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign
>
>Speedbird 206"
>
>Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
>
>Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
>
>The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
>
>Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
>
>Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
>
>Ground (with arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to
>
>Frankfurt before?"
>
>Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944 but it was dark and I didn't
>
>stop."
>
>______________________________________________________________________
>
>O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker,
>Oneo
>
>clock, three miles, eastbound."
>
>United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the
>
>little Fokker in sight."
>
>________________________________________________________________
>
>A Pan Am 727 flight engineer waiting for start clearance in Munich
>
>overheard the following
>
>Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
>
>Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak English."
>
>Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
>
>Germany. Why must I speak English?"
>
>Unknown voice (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the
>bloody war!"

[airtac]

Area 51

Have you heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security,
super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51"?

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51
were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their
"secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and
hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilot's story was that he took off from Las Vegas, got
lost, and spotted the base just as he was about to run out
of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check
on the pilot and held him overnight during the
investigation.

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot
really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his
airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base"
briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his
life in prison, told him Las Vegas was that-a-way on
such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.

The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the
same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MPs surrounded
the plane -- only this time there were two people in the
plane.

The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to
me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her
where I was last night!"

[FlyboyGil]

Is it a frog, or a horse?!

[Mike]

Ever heard of the Stella Awards?
Somebody sent this to me. I am not sure if these are real.
And if they are, I will re-post this somewhere else than the humor thread since I find them shocking personally.....

>
>
>
>
>       Proof of entitlement mentality
>
>       It's time again for the annual "Stella Awards"!  For those
>       unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old
>       Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully
>       sued the McDonald's in New Mexico where she purchased the coffee.
>       You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her
>       knees while she was driving.   Who would ever think one could get
>       burned doing that, right?
>
>       That's right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and
>       verdicts in the U.S.  You know, the kinds of cases that make you
>       scratch your head.  So keep your head scratchier handy.
>
>
>       Here are the Stella's for the past year:
>
>
>       7TH PLACE :
>       Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of
>       her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was
>       running inside a furniture store.  The store owners were
>       understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running
>       toddler was her own son.
>
>
>
>       6TH PLACE :
>       Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles, California won $74,000 plus medical
>       expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord.
>       Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of
>       the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps
>
>       Go ahead, grab your head scratchier.
>
>
>
>       5TH P LACE:
>       Terrence Dickson, of Bristol, Pennsylvania, who was leaving a house
>       he had just burglarized by way of the garage.  Unfortunately for
>       Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could
>       not get the garage door to open.  Worse, he couldn't re-enter the
>       house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked
>       when Dickson pulled it shut.  Forced to sit for eight, count 'em,
>       EIGHT, days on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he
>       sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental
>       Anguish.
>
>       Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson
>       $500,000 for his anguish.  We should all have this kind of anguish.
>
>       Keep scratching. There are more...
>
>
>
>       4TH PLACE :
>       Jerry Williams, of Little Rock , Arkansas , garnered 4th Place in
>       the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after
>       being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even
>       though the beagle was on a chain in its owner 's fenced yard.
>       Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury
>       believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt
>       bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and
>       repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.
>
>       Grrrrr ... Scratch, scratch.
>
>
>
>       3RD PLACE:
>       Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a
>       Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a
>       spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone.  The reason the soft
>       drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30
>       seconds earlier during an argument.  What ever happened to people
>       being responsible for their own actions?
>
>       Scratch, scratch, scratch. Hang in there; there are only two more
>       Stella  to go...
>
>
>
>       2ND PLACE :
>       Kara Walton, of Claymont, Delaware sued the owner of a night club in
>       a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the
>       floor, knocking out her two front teeth.  Even though Ms. Walton was
>       trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the
>       $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her
>       $12,000....oh, yeah,
>       Plus dental expenses. Go figure.
>
>
>
>       1ST PLACE:   (May I have a fanfare played on 50 kazoos please)
>       This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was Mrs. Merv
>       Grazinski, of Oklahoma City , Oklahoma, who purchased a new 32-foot
>       Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football
>       game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at
>       70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the
>       Winnebago to make herself a sandwich.  Not surprisingly, the motor
>       home left the freeway, crashed and overturned.  Also not
>       surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the
>       owner's manu al that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat
>       while the cruise control was set.  The Oklahoma jury awarded her,
>       are you sitting down, $1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago
>       actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just incase
>       Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.
>
>
>
>       Are we, as a society, getting more stupid...?
>
>

[Fabo]

These are fake.

But lemme quote last true edition:

WE'LL BEAT THE PANTS OFF YOU
by Jeffrey Anbinder

  Imagine that someone has LOST YOUR PANTS.

  That's the horrific, unending nightmare that Roy L. Pearson Jr., 57,
suffered for two and a half years. When his hard work as a longtime legal
aid lawyer in Washington, DC paid off with a probationary two-year
appointment as an Administrative Law Judge in 2005, he brought all five
of his suits to Custom Dry Cleaners in for alterations. But when he
returned to pick them up, one pair of pants was missing.

  MISSING!!

  To add insult to injury, when Pearson returned later, the proprietors
-- Jin and Soo Chung -- tried, he claims, to pass off a cheaper pair of
pants as his. He demanded $1,150 for a replacement suit; Pearson wants to
look his best, so he is very particular about his suits despite a limited
budget, and always buys the same style of suit from Hickey Freeman. The
Chungs did not respond.

  Luckily, Washington, D.C., has the Consumer Protection Procedures Act
(CPPA), a law designed to protect consumers from being cheated by local
businesses' broken promises. This law goes beyond simply reporting
someone to the Better Business Bureau, and grants a private right of
action to sue for damages to be made whole again. After all, Custom Dry
Cleaners brazenly displays signs claiming "Same Day Service" and
"Satisfaction Guaranteed" in their store, despite Pearson's catastrophic
experience to the contrary. So he decided to avail himself of these
rights. He did what any one of us would do: he sued the Chungs -- for
$65,462,500. That's right, more than $65 million.

  OK, now it's not so funny anymore.

  Judge Pearson represented himself, casting himself as the victim of an
enormous, malicious fraud, and telling the court with a straight face,
"You will search the D.C. archives in vain for a case of more egregious
or willful conduct." He even began to cry while testifying about the day
he says the Chungs tried to substitute a cheaper pair of pants for his,
then he asked for a break and dabbed away tears as he left the courtroom.

  But if it's sympathy he wants, perhaps Pearson should not have
included the cost of renting a car every weekend for ten years in the
amount of damages he's seeking. Why a car? Oh, that's for driving to
another cleaner, since he doesn't have a car of his own. But that
accounts for only $15,000 of the absurd total; the rest is to compensate
him and the rest of the Chungs' customers for $1,500 per "violation" per
day, times twelve violations, times 1,200 days, times three defendants,
plus the over one thousand hours he claims to have devoted to prosecuting
this case. If it makes you feel better, though, Pearson also indicated
that $51 million of these theoretical damages would be used to help
similarly aggrieved consumers sue other business in the District.

  By the time the case went to trial, the Chungs had offered to settle
it for $3,000 -- then for $4,000 -- and finally for $12,000? Pearson
could have bought ten new suits for that, but he rejected the offer.
Cloaked in the CPPA, he styled himself a "private attorney general"
fighting for the rights of the over 26,000 customers the Chungs had
bamboozled over the years with their "false promises" of "satisfaction
guaranteed".

  "This case shocks me on a daily basis," said the Chungs' attorney,
Chris Manning, before the trial. "Pearson has a lot of time on his hands,
and the Chungs have been abused in a ghastly way. It's going to cost them
tens of thousands to defend this case."

  As to trying to bring in all of the Chungs 26,000 customers into the
case, D.C. Superior Court Judge Neal Kravitz said that "the court has
significant concerns that the plaintiff is acting in bad faith" due to
"the breathtaking magnitude of the expansion he seeks." Among the
questions Pearson demanded the Chungs answer: "Please identify by name,
full address and telephone number, all cleaners known to you on May 1,
2005 in the District of Columbia, the United States and the world that
advertise 'SATISFACTION GUARANTEED.'" Got that? All the dry cleaners in
the world. Since they didn't have personal knowledge of any, the Chungs
were able to answer "None." before they went on to answer the rest of the
interrogatories....

  The trial ended as you might expect (or at least hope) it would:
Superior Court Judge Judith Barnoff ruled in favor of the Chungs, even
awarding them court costs on the grounds that Pearson had "engaged in bad
faith and vexatious litigation." But naturally, that wasn't the end of
it: Pearson filed a motion for reconsideration, which claimed that Judge
Barnoff had "committed a fundamental legal error" and failed to address
his claims. He argued that the court had substituted its own
interpretation of "satisfaction guaranteed" rather than accepting his
argument that the signs were unconditional. The court disagreed and
denied the motion.

  The Chungs later withdrew their motion for court costs, attorneys'
fees, and sanctions, as supporters -- including the American Tort Reform
Association, the Institute for Legal Reform of the United States Chamber
of Commerce, and Washington Post newspaper readers -- had raised nearly
$100,000 to help cover their defense. They said they also hoped that
withdrawing the motion would persuade Pearson to stop litigating.

  But it didn't: a day before the deadline, Pearson filed a notice of
appeal in the pants lawsuit -- so the Chungs are not yet completely off
the hook.

  The loss wasn't the only blow to Pearson. In August, the Commission on
Selection and Tenure of Administrative Law Judges was charged with
deciding whether he should receive a full, 10-year term to continue his
work as a judge. Reports from inside indicate that even after Chief
Administrative Law Judge Tyrone Butler had submitted a letter
recommending Pearson's reappointment, Pearson sent a number of e-mails
within the ALJ staff calling Butler "evil" and "mean-spirited." Butler
changed his recommendation. Based on that, and on questions about
Pearson's judicial temperament and ethics arising from the lawsuit, the
commission came back with a unanimous decision not to recommend his
reappointment. After two months of foot dragging (it's unclear whether by
Pearson or by the Commission -- but we can guess), this week the
Commission hand-delivered a letter ordering Pearson to clean out his
office and get out within 90 minutes. He was paid about $100,000 year as
a judge.

  The Chungs sold the Custom Dry Cleaners shop in question in September,
citing emotional strain and a loss of revenue. They still own one other
dry cleaning shop, and have said they will be focusing on that one for
the future. The infamous pants, meanwhile, have hung in their attorney's
closet for well over a year -- turned over to him because Pearson
wouldn't accept them. "We believe the pants are his," Manning said. "The
tag matches his receipt."

  The True Stella Awards has often said that judges should work harder
to keep frivolous, and especially vexatious, suits out of the courts. How
shocking, then, to find a judge who not only brings such an action to
court himself, but keeps it going even in the face of unanimous
condemnation. The unanimous action by the Commission on Selection and
Tenure of Administrative Law Judges is heartening, but now it's time for
Judge Pearson to lose his license to practice law.

Pick it all up on http://www.stellaawards.com/

[Baradium]

Here's the snopes link for the stella awards e-mail:
http://www.snopes.com/legal/lawsuits.asp

[TheSoccerMom]

Now, HERE is a guy with talent.

[FlyboyGil]

Now, HERE is a guy with talent.

Definitely DEFINITELY have him at our beer-dousing, stripper parties!!!!!!!!!!!!!