Author Topic: Humor....I need Humor!  (Read 1415544 times)

Offline Stef

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2445 on: April 17, 2012, 10:45:36 AM »
A man was exploring the African jungle and came upon a tribe of natives, their presence underscored by the distinctive and monotonous beating of drums. The man spoke with the tribe and they allowed him to stay with them and sleep on their grounds.

The first night, the man didn't sleep a wink due to the ongoing drumming so he spoke to the chief. "Chief, I got no sleep last night. Could you maybe stop the drumming for a night so I could rest."

The chief replied, "The drums must not stop."

The man figured it was their culture and focused on enjoying the day, studying and spending time with the tribe.

That night, the drums again kept the man awake for the whole night and in the morning he spoke with the chief. "Chief, please! I need some sleep; couldn't the drums cease for just one night for my health?"

The chief replied, "The drums must not stop."

The man, exacerbated, let the issue drop and tried to focus on the day at hand, but could not focus due to lack of sleep and the incessant pounding of the drums.

That night, the beating of the drums left the man sleepless yet again in the morning he angrily approached the chief. "Chief, I've just about had it. The drums must stop; it is impossible to get and rest with them."

The chief replied, "The drums must not stop."

"Why! Why can the drums not stop? What happens when the drums stop?!"

The chief replied, "Bass solo."

Offline happylanding

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2446 on: April 23, 2012, 05:03:06 PM »
Stef, I noticed that the last joke I wrote disappeared. Sorry if it was too much "expressive"!  :-[
I give that landing a 9 . . . on the Richter scale.

Offline Fabo

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2447 on: April 23, 2012, 05:15:30 PM »
Happy, it is down in the "Fire Flyers" section... no worries  |:)\
"When once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been, and there you will always long to return."

Offline Stef

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2448 on: April 23, 2012, 10:37:00 PM »
Hahaha! Happy is going at it with her naughty jokes again!  ;D Good to have you back!  ::cowboy::

Offline Stef

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2449 on: May 14, 2012, 11:02:59 AM »
Three men meet each other in a Soviet prison. They ask each other why they are in here. The first says 'I was always 5 minutes late for work, so I was accused of sabotage' The second says 'I was always 5 minutes early for work, so I was accused of espionage' But the third says 'I was always on time for work, so I was accused of having a Western watch'

----------------------

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling. The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, “Can you all see me now?”

“Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”

-----------------------

How does a Chinese chef get to work?

He woks.

Offline happylanding

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2450 on: May 15, 2012, 08:43:32 PM »
Three men meet each other in a Soviet prison. They ask each other why they are in here. The first says 'I was always 5 minutes late for work, so I was accused of sabotage' The second says 'I was always 5 minutes early for work, so I was accused of espionage' But the third says 'I was always on time for work, so I was accused of having a Western watch'


  ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rambo:: ::rambo::
Really good one Stef! :) I love it!
I give that landing a 9 . . . on the Richter scale.

Offline Stef

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2451 on: June 04, 2012, 03:24:27 PM »
Alasdair, a fan of ours, made this and posted it on facebook. Thought I'd share it in here too!  ;D  |:)\


Offline Fabo

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2452 on: June 04, 2012, 06:45:55 PM »
"When once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been, and there you will always long to return."

Offline Mike

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2453 on: June 05, 2012, 12:07:09 AM »
That's a good one, Fabo!

There were times where my budget didn't even allow me to fly the ride Chuck is in on Alsdair's poster . . .   ::sick::


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Offline Mike

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2454 on: June 07, 2012, 04:20:42 AM »
During my last physical, my new doctor asked me about my daily activity level, and so I described a typical day this way:
 
"Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake and took four "leaks" behind big trees."
 
Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoors man!"
 
"No," I replied, "I'm just a shitty golfer."


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Offline Rooster Cruiser

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2455 on: June 16, 2012, 05:22:06 PM »
A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO , WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN. 



THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.



SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.



THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."


THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN
ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.

THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.
                                                             
THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.



THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."

HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.

"I TOLD HER, "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO.”

 ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl::


RC
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Wolf Creek Pass, by CW McCall

Offline Mike

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2456 on: June 16, 2012, 09:37:03 PM »
The robot...

 
 
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps you when you lie.

He decides to test it out on his son at supper. "Where were you last night?"

"I was at the library."

The robot slaps the son.

"OK I was at a friend's house," the son admits.

"Doing what?" asked the father.

"Watching a movie: Toy Story."

The robot slaps the son.

"OK it was porn!" cried the son.

Father yells "What? When I was your age I didn't know what porn was!"

The robot slaps the father.

The mother laughs and says, "He certainly is your son!"

The robot slaps the mother.


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Offline Stef

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2457 on: June 26, 2012, 05:27:09 PM »
A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said,"Hi. You know... I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job." The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.

You'll drive his 2011 Mercedes-Benz CL and he will supply all of your clothes. "Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say, but you will also as part of your job description have to satisfy her sexual urges. The daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive." The guy in wide-eyed amazement said, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker said: "Yeah, well... You started it".

Offline Mike

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2458 on: June 28, 2012, 05:29:47 PM »
> Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working
> in the family business.
>
> When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his
> sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share
> his fortune.
>
> One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most
> beautiful woman he had ever seen.
> Her natural beauty took his breath away. 'I may look like just
> an ordinary man,' he said to her, but in just a few years, my father
> will die, and I'll inherit $20 million.'
>
> Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days
> later, she became his stepmother.
>
> Women are so much better at financial planning than men...


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Offline FlyboyGil

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2459 on: June 29, 2012, 12:41:40 AM »

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.

"He's a funeral director," she answered.

"Interesting," the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those
years.

After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

(wait for it)

She smiled and explained, "I married
one for the money,
two for the show,
three to get ready,
and four to go."

IF YOU CAN'T SAY ANYTHING NICE, YOU'RE PROBABLY AT THE ICE CAPADES