Author Topic: Humor....I need Humor!  (Read 1391288 times)

Offline Plthijnx

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #45 on: December 15, 2005, 07:32:36 PM »
For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on. At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed an Illegal Operation" warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

Please share this with your friends who love - but sometimes hate - their computer!
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline Ted_Stryker

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #46 on: December 15, 2005, 07:56:23 PM »
Good one plthijnx!!

I wonder if any Toyota salesmen or service folks have got questioned about how to turn the Prius off since it actually does have a "Start" button!

That topic also reminds me of a humorous... but unfortunately TRUE adage in computing.....

"If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, one termite and all of civilization would be destroyed!"


(and that's coming from me... a Software Engineer!)
We're going to have to come in pretty low!  It's just one of those things you have to do... when you land!  -- Ted Striker - Airplane!

Offline Plthijnx

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #47 on: December 16, 2005, 01:39:20 PM »
hehe true, true, Ted....and now back to our regularly scheduled show ;D

Three men are drinking in a bar. They start talking to each other because all three of them have black-eyes. They ask each other how they got their black-eyes.

The first man says "I just don't know what is wrong with me! Everytime I try and say something it comes out wrong. Like today, I went to the bank for change for a dollar. The teller was really hot and she was wearing a very revealing top. I could see everything! Well, what I ment to say was 'could I have nickles and dimes for this dollar?' and what came out was 'could I have nipples and dimes for this dollar?' so she punched me."

The second man says "That happened to me too! I went to the airport today because I was going on a business trip. The lady at the counter was really hot too, huge breasts and all. So I ment to say 'Could I have two tickets to Pittsburg?' but what came out was 'Could I have two pickets to Tittsburg?' and she punched me."

The third man says "This must be a man thing, because the same thing happend to me! At breakfast this morning my wife punched me when I was going to ask her 'honey, could you please pass the toast?' but what came out was 'Bitch!!! You ruined my whole life!!!' "
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline Plthijnx

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #48 on: December 19, 2005, 10:33:20 PM »
A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a
drink. Looking around, he sees 3 men sitting at a corner table. He gets up,
staggers to the table, leans over, looks at the biggest, meanest one in the
face and says, "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the
hallway buck naked. Man, she is a fine looking woman!"

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused,
because he is one bad biker, and would fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says, "I got it on with your
grandma and she is good--the best I ever had! You hear me, boy? I said I got
it on with your grandma!"

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad, but the biker still says
nothing.

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you
something else, boy, your grandma moaned and groaned 'cause she liked it!
Now what do you think of that, boy?"

At this point the biker stands up, grabs the drunk by the shoulders and says
"Grandpa, you're drunk....... Go home!"
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline Plthijnx

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #49 on: December 19, 2005, 10:40:01 PM »
Several men are in the locker room of a golf course clubhouse. When a cell phone on a bench rings, a
man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.

MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall and found a beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,500. Can I buy it?"
MAN: "OK, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2006 models. I saw one I really
liked - a little coupe.
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$68,000"
MAN: "For that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! One more little thing....the house we wanted last year is back on the market.
They're only asking $750,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just offer $725,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too." The man hangs up.
The other men are looking at him in astonishment with stark horror on their faces.
Then the man grins and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline Plthijnx

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #50 on: December 19, 2005, 10:41:47 PM »
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock .40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?
====
Democrat's Answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing!
I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.
====
Republican's Answer:

BANG!
====
Southern Republican's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click ....(sounds of reloading) BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click
Daughter: "Nice group, mommy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips?
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline Mike

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #51 on: December 20, 2005, 01:54:35 AM »
Well, I can pretty much tell who you vote for!
So much for keeping politics to a minimum. ;D

Hey, wouldn't it be 12 or 13 "BANG" in the south? I am sure they have the bigger magazines that are illegal in California...
We always put in 12 in the military so we don't mess up the spring.
(that's the kind of questions we get if we're not 100% accurate with a strip, heh heh,
it's all good though)

One thing is for sure:
I LOVE the Glock .40!!!


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Offline Plthijnx

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #52 on: December 20, 2005, 04:00:40 PM »
ehcht, they banned the larger clips a while back but i think the ban expired recently......i know that the assault rifle ban expired, i just wish i had some $ to spend on them!
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline Mike

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #53 on: December 20, 2005, 04:45:06 PM »
Yeah! It's kind of hard to keep up with all those laws. You'd probably have to join a bunch of gun-forums and prescribe to all those magazines. I use my guns mainly for possible survival purposes while flying in the middle of nowhere and to have fun while stationed in the dessert.

Back to humor!
I get this forwarded a bunch of times every Christmas, but this one is definetly my favorite. I always wanted to do that myself, ...maybe this year. The ones of you who read Calvin and Hobbs might find that this cartoon had a tremedous influence on our cartoon. We were (still are) big fans of all Bill Wattersons work.


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Offline Mike

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #54 on: December 22, 2005, 09:04:57 AM »
NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS - THE AVIATION VERSION!

'Twas the night before Christmas, and out on the ramp,
Not an airplane was stirring, not even a Champ.
The aircraft were fastened to tie downs with care,
In hopes that -- come morning -- they all would be there.

The fuel trucks were nestled, all snug in their spots,
With gusts from two-forty at 39 knots.
I slumped at the fuel desk, now finally caught up,
And settled down comfortably, resting my butt.

When the radio lit up with noise and with chatter,
I turned up the scanner to see what was the matter.
A voice clearly heard over static and snow,
Called for clearance to land at the airport below.

He barked his transmission so lively and quick,
I'd have sworn that the call sign he used was "St. Nick."
I ran to the panel to turn up the lights,
The better to welcome this magical flight.

He called his position, no room for denial,
"St. Nicholas One, turnin' left onto final."
And what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a Rutan-built sleigh, with eight Rotax Reindeer!

With vectors to final, down the glideslope he came,
As he passed all fixes, he called them by name:
"Now Ringo! Now Tolga! Now Trini and Bacun!
On Comet! On Cupid!" What pills was he takin'?

While controllers were sittin', and scratchin' their heads,
They phoned to my office, and I heard it with dread,
The message they left was both urgent and dour:
"When Santa pulls in, have him please call the tower."

He landed like silk, with the sled runners sparking,
Then I heard, "Left at Charlie," and "Taxi to parking."
He slowed to a taxi, turned off of three-oh,
And stopped on the ramp with a "Ho, ho-ho-ho..."

He stepped out of the sleigh, but before he could talk,
I ran out to meet him with my best set of chocks.
His red helmet and goggles were covered with frost,
And his beard was all blackened from Reindeer exhaust.

His breath smelled like peppermint, gone slightly stale,
And he puffed on a pipe, but he didn't inhale.
His cheeks were all rosy and jiggled like jelly,
His boots were as black as a cropduster's belly.

He was chubby and plump, in his suit of bright red,
And he asked me to "fill it, with hundred low-lead."
He came dashing in from the snow-covered pump,
I knew he was anxious for drainin' the sump.

I spoke not a word, but went straight to my work,
And I filled up the sleigh, but I spilled like a jerk.
He came out of the restroom, and sighed in relief,
Then he picked up a phone for a Flight Service brief.

And I thought as he silently scribed in his log,
These reindeer could land in an eighth-mile fog.
He completed his pre-flight, from the front to the rear,
Then he put on his headset, and I heard him yell, "Clear!"

And laying a finger on his push-to-talk,
He called up the tower for clearance and squawk.
"Take taxiway Charlie, the southbound direction,
Turn right three-two-zero at pilot's discretion."

He sped down the runway, the best of the best,
"Your traffic's a Grumman, inbound from the west."
Then I heard him proclaim, as he climbed thru the night,
"Merry Christmas to all! I have traffic in sight.


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Offline Mike

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #55 on: December 30, 2005, 04:35:15 PM »
Humor has always been big in my family, so let's keep this thread rollin':

A 6 year-old and 4 year-old are upstairs in their bedroom.
"You know what?" says the 6 year-old. " I think it's about time we started
cussing."
The 4 year-old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year-old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna
say something with 'hell' and you say something with 'ass.'
The 4 year-old agrees with enthusiasm.
When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year-old what he
wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw hell Mom, I guess I'll have some
Cheerios."
WHACK!....He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets
up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out with his mother in hot pursuit,
slapping his rear with every step.
She locks him in his room and shouts, " You can stay in there until I let
you out."
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year-old and asks with a
stern voice, "An what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be
Cheerios."



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Offline Firegirl

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #56 on: January 02, 2006, 09:49:11 AM »

Hi Guys!!!  It's been awhile since I have posted but thought this blonde joke was good for some winter time humor. LOL


As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out
of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker
lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are
losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down
the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again.
She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the
trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says
brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your
load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the
street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of
breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck
door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says " Hi, my name
is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"


When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next
light.
When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs
back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it,
he says...

"Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Idaho and I'm driving the
Sand Truck!"

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet you could shoot beer out of you nose.  --- Jack Handy

Offline Mike

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #57 on: January 05, 2006, 04:24:54 PM »
This one is great!!


A C-130 was en route to a mission when a cocky F-16 pilot flew up
next to him. The jet jockey told the C-130 pilot, "Watch this!" He
went into a barrel roll, followed by a steep climb, then finished
with a sonic boom when he reached the speed of sound.
The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought.
The C-130 pilot responded "That was impressive, but watch this."
The C-130 droned along for about 15 minutes then the 130 pilot came
back on and said "What did you think about that?"
The 16 pilot asked, "What the Hell did you do?"

The C-130 pilot responded "I got up, stretched my legs, went to the
back poured a cup of coffee and took a piss."


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Offline CDNpilot

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #58 on: January 05, 2006, 05:33:48 PM »
CASINO
  Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table.
 An attractive blonde from St John's arrived and bet twenty-thousand
 dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.

 She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
 completely nude.
 "With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled,
 "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
 As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed...
 "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers and then picked
 up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared
at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she
 roll?"
 The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

 MORAL - Not all Newfies are stupid and not all blondes are
 dumb................. but all men are men.
I hate to wake up and find my co-pilot asleep

Offline Plthijnx

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #59 on: January 12, 2006, 06:54:55 AM »
hey y'all. been a while but not by my own accord.....humor is all i have so here it is!

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was
squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She
went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and
whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The
teacher told him go down to the principal's office, he was to phone his
mother, and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and he
returned to the classroom, where he sat down in his seat. Suddenly, there was a
commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to
find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. "I thought I told
you to call your mom." she screamed. "I did," he said, "and she told me that if
I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school ..."
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown