Humor....I need Humor!

[Plthijnx]

merry christmas ya old schooler's  of the site. know i'm not around much except for the occasional joke. doing well. gave up career flying and am back in engineering but i still fly for fun!! hope everyone is doing well!!! here' s another:

Christmas carols for the disturbed
I'm not making fun by any means.....................



1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are

3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and
Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and... Trees and.....

6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me

7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm
Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look a Chicken - can
I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?

10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells

[Stef]

Sad but true:

[Mike]

This could be Chuck if it was a plane......   


Letter to a men's helpline...

Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem:
I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot.
I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.
Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.
It was at that moment crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket.

Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace the whole bracket??

[Oddball]

I don't know Mike that's more Julio's thing?

[G-man]

Dead Penguins , I never knew this!

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica? Where do they go? Wonder no more ! ! ! It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

"Freeze a jolly good fellow""Freeze a jolly good fellow."
Then they kick him in the ice hole

You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?

It's so easy to fool YOU people.

[FlyboyGil]

1. If walking/cycling is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is fat.
3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.
4. A tortoise doesn't run and does nothing, yet it lives for 450 years.
And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so.

[Stef]

Gosh, I envy my brother! They have these kind of parties in Vegas and I wish I could go...

[Mike]

they have these parties year round in Vegas, not just at new Years....
the most famous is the "Rx Hardrock" Pool Party.....

but now, another joke:

The Night Nurse

The more you think about this one, the funnier it gets.

A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 12-hour shift. Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller, and without missing a beat, she says, “Well, that's great....that's just great..........some ass hole's got my pen!”
 
 

[FlyboyGil]

A physician told this story about her then four-year-old daughter. On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it.

"Be still, my heart", thought the doctor, "my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!"

Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"

[Stef]

A physician told this story about her then four-year-old daughter. On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it.

"Be still, my heart", thought the doctor, "my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!"

Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"

It's sad how common this is!! I remember, years ago, when Mike, I and some extended family (including a few young kids) were shown around a fire station. When they let the kids sit in the fire truck and put on the headsets, the first thing this one little girl said was "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?" ...

--------------------

But on to some more serious stuff. Some advice on life:


Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

When everything seems to be coming your way, maybe you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not being smart enough to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

[Stef]

A guy goes to the doctor, with a carrot up his nose. He's got a piece of celery in his other nostril, and a banana in his ear.

He says,"Doc, I don't feel so good."

The doctor says,"You're not eating right."

[Stef]

Watched the whole thing (although I don't like techno):

http://z0r.de/L/z0r-de_3714.swf

[Stef]

[FlyboyGil]

 

http://www.buzzfeed.com/burnred/the-25-funniest-autocorrects-of-2011-281t

[Kilrah]

Same kind, I check it every day:
http://www.damnyouautocorrect.com/

Be careful though, I won't be held responsible for any dying of laughter