Author Topic: Humor....I need Humor!  (Read 1403891 times)

fireflyr

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #585 on: September 17, 2006, 10:36:13 AM »
   "Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I
am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing." - At the entrance to the old SR-71
operating base Kadena, Japan
    -------------------------------------------------------
    "You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." - Paul F.
Crickmore (test pilot)
    -------------------------------------------------------
    "The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
    -------------------------------------------------------
    "Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than
submarines in the sky." - From an old carrier sailor
    ------------------------------------------------------
    "If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a
helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."
    -------------------------------------------------------
    "When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough
power left to get you to the scene of the crash."
    -------------------------------------------------------
    "Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying
club."
    -------------------------------------------------------
    "What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a
pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, .... The pilot dies."
    -------------------------------------------------------
    "Never trade luck for skill."
    -------------------------------------------------------
    The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation
are:
    "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" And "Oh S...!"
    ------------------------------------------------------
    "Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers."
    -------------------------------------------------------
    "Progress in airline flying: now a flight attendant can get a pilot
pregnant."
    -------------------------------------------------------
    "Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully
complete the flight."
    -------------------------------------------------------
    "A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a
row is prevarication."
    -------------------------------------------------------
    "I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous."
    ---------------------------------------------------------
    "Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"
    -------------------------------------------------------
    "Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the
purpose of storing dead batteries."
    -------------------------------------------------------
    "Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a
person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."
    --------------------------------------------------------
    "The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely
kill you."
    - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
    --------------------------------------------------------
    "A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to
its maximum."
    - Jon McBride, astronaut
    --------------------------------------------------------
    "If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the
crash as possible."
    - Bob Hoover (renowned aerobatic and test pilot)
    --------------------------------------------------------
    "Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you."
    -------------------------------------------------------
    "There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime."
    - Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
    ---------------------------------------------------------
    "If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."
    ---------------------------------------------------------
    Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go
near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the
appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space.
    It is much more difficult to fly there."
    -------------------------------------------------------
    "You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full
power to taxi to the terminal."
    --------------------------------------------------------------

    As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn
off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the
rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What happened?".
    The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!" - Attributed
to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot

Offline Mike

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #586 on: September 17, 2006, 05:11:35 PM »
As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn
off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the
rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What happened?".
The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!" - Attributed
to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)

OH MY GOD, JIM !!!!!  :o  :o  :o

That's the best one EVER!! HA HA HA  :D  :D  |:)\


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Offline cj5_pilot

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #587 on: September 19, 2006, 12:08:26 AM »

    --------------------------------------------------------
    "The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely
kill you."
    - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)

Tundra has a saying about Super Cub pilots.  A lot of them in his area are hunters that have a plane, and only use them a month or so out of the year.  Most of them like to fly LOW (As in had them pass BELOW him when he had his ultralight when he was in the pattern!).  He likes to say that Super Cub pilots only fly as high as they think they can fall from  ;D

And forget some infamous quotes from HM "Howling Mad" Murdock of A-team fame:

BA: "He crashed the plane didn't he?"
Murdock:  "I did not crash this plane! I simply landed it without the customary accompaniment of forward thrust or lift."

Murdock:  "This wasn't a crash.  Wait for the next one.  That will be a crash!"

Murdock:  "When the going gets tough, the tough get aeronautical"

Murdock:  "Thank you for flying miracle airlines. Where lady luck is your co-pilot"

Murdock:  "I got no fear, I'll go up in anything, except an elevator"

Murdock:  "God, your sky is so big; my plane is so crummy; please don't let me eat it."

and my personal favorites:

"I'm not nuts, I'm condiments. I've been promoted!"

"Who put the stop payment on my Reality check?"

(apologies if any have been up before, I haven't read all the thread yet!)

The average pilot, despite the sometimes swaggering exterior, is very much capable of such feelings as love, affection, intimacy and caring. These feelings just don't involve anyone else.

Offline Frank N. O.

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #588 on: September 19, 2006, 12:35:55 AM »
As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn
off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the
rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What happened?".
The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!" - Attributed
to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)

OH MY GOD, JIM !!!!! :o :o :o

That's the best one EVER!! HA HA HA :D :D |:)\
Definately an awesome comment!I never heard that one before |:)\

CJ5: Great ones, I haven't heard them before, thanks for posting |:)\

Frank
"When once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been, and there you will always long to return."
Leonardo da Vinci

Offline BrianGMFS

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #589 on: September 19, 2006, 04:11:04 AM »
I found these tonight.....

You know when you're a Freight Dog when

1) On the tarmac, the ground personnel rolls the red carpet AWAY from your plane ;

2) The plane you are flying was getting old when you were born ;

3) You haven't done a daylight landing for 6 months ;

4) The ATC tells you there is smoother air at another FL and you don't care ;

5) You call for transportation to the hotel and they can't find you on the airport ;

6) Your uniform has not been ironed for two weeks and nobody cares ;

7) You fly through a terrible storm and you can hear the thunder (instead of the passengers);

8) You have to get your own coffee ;

9) Nobody is afraid when you use the toilet ;

10) Upon approaching, you call ATC and decline your company's name and ATC replies "Who?" ;


Not 100% aviation but funny anyway

MECHANIC'S TOOL GUIDE, part 1

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or
1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your drink across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouc...."

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front fender.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a motorcycle upward off a hydraulic jack.


As a C-5 Galaxy landed and cleared the active, it taxied by a Boeing 747 holding short of the runway. The C-5 aircraft commander, knowing how much larger his giant military behemoth was than the civilian aircraft, keyed the mic and asked the 747 captain, "Hey little buddy, what's your gross?" Not to be out done the 747 captain keyed his mic and replied "A little over two hundred thousand dollars a year, how about you?"

MECHANIC'S TOOL GUIDE, part 2

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic
floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for
spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and
is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile
strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to
disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that
inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without
the handle.

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid
from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that
your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop
light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is
not otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health benefits aside,
its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate
that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours
of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is
somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as
the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning
power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that
travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty
bolts last tightened 60 years ago by someone in Springfield, and rounds
them off.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket
you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.


Brian

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"Take my love, take my land. Take me where I cannot stand. Burn the land and boil the sea, you can't take the sky from me."

Offline tundra_flier

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #590 on: September 19, 2006, 06:50:48 PM »
HIGH VELOCITY SPRING:  Any small spring that when carefully removed proceeds to ricoche around the shop at extream velocity eventually landing god only knows where.  Typically available only by special order from South America.

Phil

Offline cj5_pilot

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #591 on: September 19, 2006, 07:40:11 PM »
BTF/PTM:  Beat to Fit/Paint to Match
RTFM:  Read the flippin Manual!
The average pilot, despite the sometimes swaggering exterior, is very much capable of such feelings as love, affection, intimacy and caring. These feelings just don't involve anyone else.

Offline Mike

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #592 on: September 19, 2006, 11:59:52 PM »
Ole was walking home late at night and sees a woman standing in the
shadows.

"Twenty dollars", she whispers.

He'd never been with a hooker before, but he decides, what the hell, it's
only twenty bucks. So they hide in the bushes.
They're going "at it" for a few minutes wh en, all of a sudden, a light
flashes on them. It's a police officer.

"What's going on here, folks?" asks the officer.

"I'm making love to my wife ," Ole answers indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."

"Well," Ole says, "neither did I, until you shined that light in her
face!!!"


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Offline Firegirl

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #593 on: September 21, 2006, 06:46:28 PM »
 ;)
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet you could shoot beer out of you nose. --- Jack Handy

Offline cj5_pilot

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #594 on: September 21, 2006, 10:57:28 PM »
The average pilot, despite the sometimes swaggering exterior, is very much capable of such feelings as love, affection, intimacy and caring. These feelings just don't involve anyone else.

Offline BrianGMFS

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #595 on: September 26, 2006, 12:44:04 PM »
Found some more Vermont Jokes ;D

You know you're from northern Vermont when:
You've taken your kids trick-or-treating during a blizzard.

You only own three spices- salt, pepper and ketchup.

You design your Halloween costumes to fit over a snowsuit.

The mosquitoes have landing lights.

You have more miles on your snowblower than your car.

You have 10 favorite recipes for venison.

The local Hardware store on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.

You live in a house that has no front steps, yet the door is one yard above the ground.

Driving is better in the winter because the potholes get filled with snow.

Making it home during Mud Season is a competitive sport.

You think everyone from the city has an accent.

You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons.

You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.

The local paper covers national and international headlines on l/4 page, but requires 6 pages for sports.

At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.

The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.

Your snow-blower gets stuck on the roof.

You think the start of deer hunting season is a national holiday.

You head south to go to your cottage.

You frequently clean grease off your barbecue so the bears won't prowl on your deck.

You know which leaves make good toilet paper.

The town officials greet you on the street by your first name.

There is only one shopping plaza in town.

The major parish fundraiser isn't bingo- its sausage making.

You find -20F a little chilly.

The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freezer.

You attended a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelry and your snowmobile boots.

You can play road hockey on skates.

Shoveling the driveway constitutes a great upper body workout.

You know the 4 seasons: Winter, Still Winter, Almost Winter, and Construction.

The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.

Your idea of a traffic jam is 10 cars waiting to pass a logging truck
Vacation means going to Burlington.
You measure distance in hours.
You know several people who have hit moose more than once.
You use a down comforter in the summer.
You see people wearing hunting clothes at social events.
You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
You think of the major food groups as deer meat, beer, fish, and berries.
You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them.
it takes you 3 hours to go to the store for one item even when you're in a rush because you have to stop and talk to everyone in town.

Not Vermont but dang funny

Dear Sir:

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which when weighed later were found to weigh 240 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3, accident reporting form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground-and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs.

I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope.


Brian

« Last Edit: September 26, 2006, 12:46:29 PM by BrianGMFS »

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"Take my love, take my land. Take me where I cannot stand. Burn the land and boil the sea, you can't take the sky from me."

Offline BrianGMFS

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #596 on: September 26, 2006, 01:45:53 PM »
Before I was a Ramp Rat (ahem.... Line Service Technician) I was an EMT for 12 years so theses sayings are soooooo true

The 10 (+) Rules of EMS


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1. Skin signs tell all.
2. Sick people don't bitch.
3. Air goes in and out, blood goes round and round, any variation on this is a bad thing.
4. Newbies have there own way of doing things.
5. The more equipment you see on a EMTs belt, the newer they are.(when I started I had a holster with scissors, gloves,forceps and a flashlight. At the end of my career I maybe had a couple of pairs of rubber gloves in my pocket)
6. There is no rule 6.
7. When dealing with patients, supervisors, or citizens, if it felt good saying it, it was the wrong thing to say.
8. All bleeding stops....eventually.
9. All people will eventually die, no matter what you do.
10. If the child is quiet, be scared.

(And A few more)
11. Always follow the rules, but be wise enough to forget them sometimes. (So True)
12. If the patient vomits in the rig try to hold their head to the side of the rig with the disposable equipment, not the stuff you have to clean.
13. If someone dies by chemical hazards, electrical shocks or other on-scene dangers it should be the patient, not you.
14. Any EMT, FF, LEO and/or scene chief who is more drunk (or more stupid) than the patient is the real problem. (had a few like that over the years)
15. There will be problems.
16. You can't cure stupid.
17. If it's wet and sticky and not yours, LEAVE IT ALONE!
18. If at all possible, avoid any edible item that firefighters prepare, especially the tuna casserole. (That's why I did all the cooking on my shift)
19. Heaven protects Fools and Drunks.
20. EMS is extended periods of intense boredom, interrupted by occasional moments of sheer terror.
21. Every Emergency has three phases PANIC, FEAR, AND REMORSE.
22. You are bound to get a call either during dinner, while you are on the can, or at 02:00 in the middle of a great dream.
23. Rocket scientists that get into stupid car crashes are the first ones to complain how bumpy the ambulance ride is.
24. The severity of the injury(s) is directly proportional to the difficulty in accessing, as well as the weight, of the patient.
25. Turret mounted machine guns usually work better than lights and sirens. (wish I had those on my rig)
26. Make sure the rookie EMT knows that a med patch is a radio term, and not a medicated bandage.
27. Paramedics save lives; But it's EMT skills that save Paramedics.
28. When a patient vomits outside, be sure to aim it at the citizens who wouldn't back up.
29. Never trust your rig, drug box, or airway bag to be
fully stocked. In spite of the assurances of the offgoing crew.
30. If you don't have it, don't give up, Adapt, Improvise, Overcome, (then call for a second unit).
31. There is no such thing as a "textbook case"
32. Newbies always look for large things in the smallest compartments and vice versa.
33. There is no such thing as a bad call. Only calls that didn't go the way you planned.
36. If there are no drunks at an MVA after midnight, keep looking, some one is missing.
37. Just cause your paranoid does not mean the Supervisor isn't around the corner.
38. Remember what MICN stands for, "May I interrupt your Call Now?".
39. Just because someones license date is before yours does not mean they know what they are doing.

And a couple from Me...

Cops make great IV Poles (here officer, hold this)
A kid will always puke on you when you aren't looking
there's nothing worse than a Belligerent Head injured patient... unless it's a DRUNK belligerent head injured patient
Sport Bikes (Ninjas and the like) are called Zing Splats.. Cause the go ZINNNNNNGGGGGGGGGG SPLAT!!!!!



Brian


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"Take my love, take my land. Take me where I cannot stand. Burn the land and boil the sea, you can't take the sky from me."

fireflyr

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #597 on: September 26, 2006, 02:51:40 PM »
HAAAHAA ROFL!!!!
Great stuff Brian!!! |:)\

Offline Callisto

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #598 on: September 27, 2006, 06:01:02 PM »
http://www.bluedonut.com/100jokes.htm

Top 100 Jokes of all times. Not my top 100, but worth the read!
If not completely satisfied with this post, return unused portion for full refund.

Offline tundra_flier

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #599 on: September 27, 2006, 09:29:36 PM »
Sounds like Vermont and Alaska have a few things in common. LOL

Here's a couple of mine:

You might be an Alaskan Redneck Pilot:

If you have at least one wrecked cub in the yard that SOMEDAY you'll rebuild into the ultimate bush plane...

If you own a totally tricked out cub with all the Alaskan mods, but live in a run down cabin without running water...

If you're plane has had temporary duct tape patches for more than 2 years...

If your annual inspection happens every 5 years...

If you've ever had to debate whether to buy beer...or avgas...

If you've ever left fuel on the ground to carry more beer!

Phil