Author Topic: Humor....I need Humor!  (Read 1403521 times)

Offline Gulfstream Driver

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #285 on: May 02, 2006, 12:02:41 AM »
Looks like Bush, Kerry, and Clinton to me.  Ugh.
Behind every great man, there is a woman rolling her eyes.† --Bruce Almighty

Offline Plthijnx

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #286 on: May 02, 2006, 02:44:46 AM »
ohhhh, there's plenty more to come fellas! i'm at home now, just wait til i get back to work tomorrow! yeah, they're photoshops but they're funny as he@l to me!
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline Plthijnx

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #287 on: May 02, 2006, 12:13:08 PM »
more....
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline Plthijnx

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #288 on: May 02, 2006, 04:38:14 PM »
A Cajun and a pet alligator
A Cajun walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side
He puts the alligator up on the bar.
He turns to the astonished patrons.
"I'll make you a deal."
"I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my manhood inside."
"Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute."
"Then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed."
"In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers and placed his  Johnson and related parts in the alligator's open mouth.
The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.
After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try".
A hush fell over the crowd.
After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A Blonde woman timidly spoke up..........."I'll try It!"
"Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!"
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline Plthijnx

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #289 on: May 02, 2006, 06:59:28 PM »
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. As they stand at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter
Paradise and meet their maker, God decides to grant each person one wish because of the grief they have experienced.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is.

"I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.

The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too."

Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous, but when God is halfway
down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing.

When there are only ten people left, the last guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off. Finally, God reaches the end of the line and asks him what his wish will be. The guy eventually calms down and says:

"Make 'em all ugly again".
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline Mike

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #290 on: May 03, 2006, 01:08:34 AM »
HA HA!
That's a good one!

The pictures are just wrong though  :o


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Offline Frank N. O.

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #291 on: May 05, 2006, 11:26:07 PM »
I found out who the comic on the small plane was that had to say he was heavy because the lady in front gave a way too small figure. It was Robert Schimmel and he said it was a 11-seat plane, a so-called Richie Valens plane he called it. He also said he, in his own words did a stupid practical joke when he was going to a comedy festival in Toronto, he checked a bag filled with dog biscuits because he knew there were drug-sniffing and indeed there were and they freaked out at the bag and he got a less than friendly response from that.

Frank
"When once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been, and there you will always long to return."
ó Leonardo da Vinci

Offline Plthijnx

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #292 on: May 12, 2006, 02:10:42 PM »
this is perfect for the newly aspiring commercial pilot:

∑   I'm so broke, I go to KFC and lick other peoples fingers.
∑   I'm so broke me and my girlfriend got married for the rice.
∑   I'm so broke, if a trip around the world cost a nickel, I wouldn't have enough to leave the couch!
∑   I'm so broke that I just went into McDonald's and put a small fry on layaway.
∑   If pickles were 10 cents a truckload I couldn't buy a wart off a cucumber!
∑   I'm so broke, just to rub two nickels together, I'd have to borrow one.
∑   We were so broke, that at Christmas, all we could exchange was glances.
∑   I'm so broke, the bank asked for their calendar back.
∑   I'm so broke, long distance companies don't even call me to switch!
∑   If I stopped on a dime, I'd probably owe it to someone.
∑   I ain't broke, but I'm severely bent.
∑   Someone saw me kicking a can down the street, and when asked what I was doing I said, "Moving."
∑   I'm so broke I can't afford to pay attention!
∑   A guy walked into our house, stepped on a cigarette and my Mom yelled, "Who turned off the heat?"
∑   I'm so broke that when someone saw my Mom walking down the street with one shoe, they said, "Hey, you lost a shoe." She said, "No, I found one."
∑   We're so broke that if someone rings our doorbell I have to yell, "ding dong!" out the window.
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline Plthijnx

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #293 on: May 12, 2006, 02:12:12 PM »
The Social Studies teacher had just finished a unit on war and peace. "How many of you," he asked, "would say you're opposed to war?"  Not surprisingly, all hands went up.
The teacher then asked, "Who'll give us a reason for being opposed to war?"
A rather large, bored-looking boy in the back of the room raised his hand. "Jimmy?" the teacher said.
"I hate war," Jimmy said, "because wars make history, and I hate History!"
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline Plthijnx

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #294 on: May 12, 2006, 02:12:51 PM »
A young man confronting his girlfriend's father.
Young man: "Sir, your daughter says she loves me, and she canít live without me, and she wants to marry me."
Girl's Father: "And youíre asking my permission to marry her?"
Young man: "No, Iím asking you to make her leave me the heck alone."
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline Plthijnx

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #295 on: May 12, 2006, 02:14:44 PM »
new word definitions:

1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks'trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes.
2. CARPERPETUATION (kar'pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of confection (lolly) you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.
4. ELBONICS (el bon'iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.
5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.
7. PEPPIER (peph ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want fresh ground pepper.
8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
9. PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.
10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline Plthijnx

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #296 on: May 12, 2006, 02:16:09 PM »
A Bible study group was discussing the unforeseen possibility of sudden death. "We will all die some day," the leader of the discussion said, "and none of us really knows when, but if we did we would all do a better job of preparing ourselves for that inevitable event." Everybody nodded his or her heads in agreement with this comment.
"What would you do if you knew you only had 4 weeks of life remaining before your death, before your Great Judgment Day?" the leader asked the group.
"For those 4 weeks, I would go out into my community and minister the Gospel to those that have not yet accepted Jesus into their lives." one gentleman said.
"A very admirable thing to do," said the group leader. And all the group members agreed that would be a very good thing to do.
"For those 4 weeks, I would dedicate all of my remaining time to serving my family, my church, and my fellow man with a greater conviction," one lady said enthusiastically.
"That's wonderful!" the group leader commented, and all the group members agreed that would be a very good thing to do.
One gentleman in the back finally spoke up loudly. " For those 4 weeks, I would travel throughout the United States with my mother-in-law in a Ford Escort, and stay in a Motel 6 every night."
Everyone was puzzled by his answer. "Why would you do that?" the group leader asked.
"Because," the man smiled sarcastically, "it would be the longest 4 weeks of my life."
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline Plthijnx

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #297 on: May 12, 2006, 02:18:15 PM »
Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing any thing that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals and sunglasses.
The next morning, they went to the beach dressed in their "tourist" garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a cocktail, the sunshine and the scenery when a drop-dead gorgeous, topless blonde in a thong bikini came walking straight toward them. They couldn't help but stare.
As the blonde passed them, she smiled and said, "Good morning, Father. Good morning, Father." She nodded to each, and addressed each of them individually, then she passed on by.
They were both stunned. The next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. Once again, in their new attire, they settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After awhile, the same topless blonde came walking toward them.
Again, she nodded at each of them, and said, "Good morning, Father. Good morning, Father." She started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, "Just a minute, young lady." "Yes, Father?" "How in the world did you know we're priests, dressed as we are?"
 "Father, it's me, Sister Katherine," she replied.
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline Plthijnx

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #298 on: May 13, 2006, 07:53:40 PM »
in tribute to the "priceless" series.....what can you come up with?????
i'll start:
expulsing gas in the cockpit and feeling better - free
enjoying your own *aroma* - free
having it stink sooo bad it wakes the Mrs.?!?! - priceless!
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline Mike

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priceless!
« Reply #299 on: May 14, 2006, 12:36:07 AM »
* 3 Years of A&P school . . . . $8,745
* new "Snap-on" toolbox . . . $1,200

* having a maintenance issue on a flight-school C-172 on a Friday at evening . . . . priceless!


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