Author Topic: Humor....I need Humor!  (Read 1403519 times)

Offline happylanding

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #450 on: July 11, 2006, 11:14:21 AM »
Not to sound whiny or "easily offended", but could we lay off just a little on the jokes concening my faith? I'm just asking.

You mean catholic/christian jokes? I do not remember if I ever posted any, but if you feel offended I won't post anything alike. for me it's allright!
I give that landing a 9 . . . on the Richter scale.

Offline Mike

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #451 on: July 11, 2006, 07:37:59 PM »
Not to sound whiny or "easily offended", but could we lay off just a little on the jokes concening my faith? I'm just asking.

You mean catholic/christian jokes? I do not remember if I ever posted any, but if you feel offended I won't post anything alike. for me it's allright!

I didn't see anything offensive to be honest.  ???

Plus if we start analyzing every joke we might not end up with any in this thread here...
 no blonde jokes, no rabbis, no horses in a bar... :D

Let's do some more posting!!!

I think Plthijnx is in trouble again. He hasn't stopped by and we got an email from one of his friends...
So you guys need to step up and pick up the slack!!

Did we have this one yet?

 ;D
 Pilot: "Albuquerque Center, this is United 372.  I have an engine that
 just went out and I need to land.  No panic, but I need a runway that's
 close to my present location."
 Tower: "United 372, this is Albuquerque Center. You are cleared to
 land at [Name of town I have never heard of] Airport immediately."
 Pilot: (Who had obviously never heard of town either) "Hey, I'm not
 talking some crop duster airport here, Albuquerque Center."
 Tower: "United 372, that runway is 6,700 feet long. Is THAT  going
 to be enough for you, or do you want me to send someone up to help you land?"
 ;D


Dear IRS: Please cancel my subscription.

Offline Ted_Stryker

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #452 on: July 11, 2006, 08:12:23 PM »
Not to sound whiny or "easily offended", but could we lay off just a little on the jokes concening my faith? I'm just asking.

You mean catholic/christian jokes? I do not remember if I ever posted any, but if you feel offended I won't post anything alike. for me it's allright!

I didn't see anything offensive to be honest.  ???

Plus if we start analyzing every joke we might not end up with any in this thread here...
 no blonde jokes, no rabbis, no horses in a bar... :D

Let's do some more posting!!!

I think Plthijnx is in trouble again. He hasn't stopped by and we got an email from one of his friends...
So you guys need to step up and pick up the slack!!

Did we have this one yet?

 ;D
 Pilot: "Albuquerque Center, this is United 372.  I have an engine that
 just went out and I need to land.  No panic, but I need a runway that's
 close to my present location."
 Tower: "United 372, this is Albuquerque Center. You are cleared to
 land at [Name of town I have never heard of] Airport immediately."
 Pilot: (Who had obviously never heard of town either) "Hey, I'm not
 talking some crop duster airport here, Albuquerque Center."
 Tower: "United 372, that runway is 6,700 feet long. Is THAT  going
 to be enough for you, or do you want me to send someone up to help you land?"
 ;D

Hmm... just when I was going to post the joke about when Mr. Ed, the talking horse, had been ordained as the first blonde rabbi and when to the bar to celebrate!  Oy vey!

 ;D ;D ;D
We're going to have to come in pretty low!  It's just one of those things you have to do... when you land!  -- Ted Striker - Airplane!

Offline happylanding

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #453 on: July 11, 2006, 08:28:15 PM »
I think Plthijnx is in trouble again. He hasn't stopped by and we got an email from one of his friends...
So you guys need to step up and pick up the slack!!

Oh no, I hope not! hope to hear from him soon here and know that's all right. doesn't seem he's being lucky lately.

-----------------------------------

So, here is one.......

Applying for a Job at the CIA   

    
    A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position.  After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available.

    The day came for the final test to see which peson would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions whatever the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair.  Take this gun and kill her."  The man looked horrified and said, "You can't be serious!  I could never shoot my wife!"   "Well," said the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."

    So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man.  "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair.  Take this gun and kill her."  The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes; then the door opened.  The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes.  "I tried to shoot her; I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife.  I guess I'm not the right man for the job."

    "No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

    Now they only had the woman left to test. They led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun.   "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances; this is your final test.  Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing, one shot after another for 13 shots.  Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, rashing, and banging on the walls.  This went on for several minutes; then all went quiet.

    The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman.  She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks.  I had to beat the son of a bitch to death with the chair!"
I give that landing a 9 . . . on the Richter scale.

Offline happylanding

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #454 on: July 11, 2006, 08:31:26 PM »
And here is two....
So.....men beware!  ;) ;) ;)


I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men & women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Mars & Venus thing. And, I never have figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. And, I never yet have figured out how the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do".

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT??" So she says the words that I and every husband on the planet dreads. She explains that I must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. I'm thinking, "What was her first clue?"

I finally realize that nothing is going to happen that night, so I went to bed. The very next day we went shopping at a big unnamed department store... I walked around while she tried on three very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her to take all three of them.

She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth $200 each to which I say OK. And then we go to the Jewelry Dept. where she gets a set of diamond earrings. Let me tell you ...she was so excited. She must have thought that I was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I don't think she cared. I think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she doesn't even play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was OK.

She was almost sexually excited from all of this and you should have seen her face when she said, "I'm ready to go, let's go to the cash register."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No, honey. I don't feel like buying all this stuff now." You should have seen her face ... it went completely blank. I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man."

I figure that I should be having sex again sometime during the Spring thaw.
I give that landing a 9 . . . on the Richter scale.

Offline happylanding

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #455 on: July 11, 2006, 08:45:19 PM »
and 3..........

A purse snatcher stops an  old lady and begin searching into her bag. Finding nothing, he starts searching on her body, in her bra, in her panties….
Then, he exclaims “oh shit! You neither have a cent!”. And she replies: “no….but if you keep searching like this I sign you off a check!"   :o :o :o ;) ;) ;)


I give that landing a 9 . . . on the Richter scale.

Offline happylanding

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #456 on: July 12, 2006, 07:13:14 AM »
tower: "You're gonna have to key the mic. I can't see you when you nod your head."


tower: "Put your compass on 'E' and get out of my airspace."


tower: "Hello flight 56, if you hear me rock your wings.."  flight 56: "OK TOWER, IF YOU HEAR ME ROCK THE TOWER!!"


Good morning, mates! :) :) :)
I give that landing a 9 . . . on the Richter scale.

Offline happylanding

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #457 on: July 12, 2006, 09:53:18 PM »
The Geography of a Woman
------------------------
Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.

Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.

Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.

Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.

Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future.

After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.


The Geography of a Man
------------------------
Between the ages of 15 - 70 a man is like Zimbabwe - ruled by a dick.
I give that landing a 9 . . . on the Richter scale.

Offline Ted_Stryker

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #458 on: July 12, 2006, 10:15:37 PM »
Seen in AVWeb's "Short Final" Section recently....

Overheard while being vectored to the ILS 10 at KMSY:

Approach: Jet 123, maintain 9,000.

Jet 123: Um, ok, we're gonna go through it.

Approach: That's ok, climb and maintain 10,000.

Jet 123: Uh, we're on our way back down to 9,000, now.

Approach: Well, 10 is available, you're welcome to climb and maintain 10,000.

Jet 123: Why are you doing this to us?

Approach: Well, I'm trying to separate you from traffic behind you, if that's OK.

Jet 123: That's fine, but we just zero-g'd an aircraft with a US Senator aboard. We'd rather not squash him, now.

[pause]

Approach: If I'd known that, I'd have sent you back down to 5,000 first.


 ;D
We're going to have to come in pretty low!  It's just one of those things you have to do... when you land!  -- Ted Striker - Airplane!

fireflyr

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #459 on: July 13, 2006, 01:37:42 AM »
Bring it on.  *insert squinting smiley*
Actually, it does kind of look like me after a night of catfish, hush puppies, and beer! :-\ :-\

Offline Firegirl

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #460 on: July 13, 2006, 04:56:12 PM »

tower: "Put your compass on 'E' and get out of my airspace."


This one is AWESOME!!!

Is this from a Chicken Wings strip I missed?

(I hope not, I tune in every Tuesday...)
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet you could shoot beer out of you nose.  --- Jack Handy

Offline happylanding

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #461 on: July 13, 2006, 05:26:11 PM »
Is this from a Chicken Wings strip I missed?


 Firegirl: No, you did not miss a strip like this...but maybe someday Chuck is going to receive an answer alike...since he rides over Reno Airshow, you never know!
But, here are some others. I do not remember if they were already posted. if yes, they wil lbe just a refreshment!
_______________________________________________________________
Cessna: "Jones tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel."
Tower: "Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide!! Do you have the airfield in sight?!?!!"
Cessna: "Uh...tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where the fuel truck is." 
_______________________________________________________________
Cessna: Uh, ATC, verify you want me to taxi in front of the 747.
ATC: Yeah, it's OK. He's not hungry.
(that could explain how a plane become an heavy?!?   :)   )


On more serious subject:
@ Everybody: IMPORTANT QUESTION: any news about Plthijinx?!?!?!?!? Good news, hopefully?!?!?  ??? ??? ??? ???
I give that landing a 9 . . . on the Richter scale.

Offline Ted_Stryker

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #462 on: July 13, 2006, 08:29:54 PM »
Is this from a Chicken Wings strip I missed?


 Firegirl: No, you did not miss a strip like this...but maybe someday Chuck is going to receive an answer alike...since he rides over Reno Airshow, you never know!
But, here are some others. I do not remember if they were already posted. if yes, they wil lbe just a refreshment!
_______________________________________________________________
Cessna: "Jones tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel."
Tower: "Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide!! Do you have the airfield in sight?!?!!"
Cessna: "Uh...tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where the fuel truck is." 
_______________________________________________________________
Cessna: Uh, ATC, verify you want me to taxi in front of the 747.
ATC: Yeah, it's OK. He's not hungry.
(that could explain how a plane become an heavy?!?   :)   )


On more serious subject:
@ Everybody: IMPORTANT QUESTION: any news about Plthijinx?!?!?!?!? Good news, hopefully?!?!?  ??? ??? ??? ???


I haven't heard anything about him recently.  I do hope all is okay with him.  Sounds like things were going pretty rough over his way last I heard or saw.  Keep your fingers crossed!
We're going to have to come in pretty low!  It's just one of those things you have to do... when you land!  -- Ted Striker - Airplane!

Offline happylanding

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #463 on: July 13, 2006, 11:01:53 PM »

I haven't heard anything about him recently.  I do hope all is okay with him.  Sounds like things were going pretty rough over his way last I heard or saw.  Keep your fingers crossed!


Willco, for sure!
But I think that everybody here feels his absence! So, hope to hear from him soon, knowing he's well.



 
I give that landing a 9 . . . on the Richter scale.

Offline happylanding

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #464 on: July 13, 2006, 11:03:44 PM »
A lawyer got married to a woman who had previously been married 12 times. On their wedding night, they settled into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride said to her new groom, "Please, promise to be gentle. I am still a virgin."

This puzzled the groom, since after 12 marriages, he thought that at least one of her husbands would have been able to perform. He asked his new bride to explain the phenomenon.

She responded:

My first husband was a Sales Representative who spent our entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, 'It's gonna be great!'

My second husband was from Software Services; he was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he would send me documentation.

My third husband was from Field Services and constantly said that everything was diagnostically OK, but he just couldn't get the system up.

My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and he simply said, Those who can, do; those who can't, teach.

My fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department and said that he had the orders, but he wasn't quite sure when he was going to be able to deliver.

My sixth husband was an Engineer. He told me that he understood the basic process but needed three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

My seventh husband was from Finance and Administration. His comments were that he knew how, but he just wasn't sure whether it was his job.

My eighth husband was from Standards and Regulations and told me that he was up to the standards but that regulations said nothing about how to do it.

My ninth husband was a Marketing Manager. He said, 'I know I have the product. I'm just not sure how to position it.'

My tenth husband was a psychiatrist, and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it.

My eleventh husband was a gynecologist, and all he ever wanted to do was look at it.

My twelfth husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted to do was -- God I miss him!

So now I have married a lawyer, so I know I'm going to get screwed!
I give that landing a 9 . . . on the Richter scale.