Humor....I need Humor!

[Cpt. Blade]

Somewhere in the middle of nowhere, there was a small town, right beside a small indigenous reserve, both of which surrounded by a large number of farms.

There was a small radio station in the town, which broadcasted music and weather information for the townspeople and for the farmers.

The winter was approaching, and the radio station's manager said to a newbie boy: "Kid, we need to know how is the winter going to be, to inform the farmers. I need you to go see the indians, these guys always know this kind of stuff."

The boy went to the tribe, where he saw three indians cutting and stockpiling timber. He kid then returned to the station, and told what he saw to the sation's manager. Later that day, the radio informed that the winter would be moderately cold.

The next day, the manager wasn't very confident in the forecast, and sent the boy to the tribe again - just to be sure.

The boy went to the tribe, where he saw nine indians cutting timber. He then returned to the station to tell his boss what he saw. That same day, the radio informed that the winter would be quite cold.

The manager still wasn't very confident, and two days later, sent the boy to investigate the tribesmen, again. When the boy returned, he informed his boss that he saw 20 men cutting timber. The boss nodded, and proceeded to inform the audience that the winter could be harsh that year.

Three or four days later the manager wanted to make sure that the indians were right, and sent the boy to the tribe - again. The boy departed, and arrived minutes later, to tell his boss that he saw all the adult men and women in the tribe cutting and stockpiling timber.

The manager was baffled, and decided to go talk to the indians himself. Once there he spoke to the shaman, and said: "I see that you guys are really busy stocking all this timber... tell me, how do you know the winter will be so harsh?"

The shaman readily replied: "Because radio guy told us so."

[Cpt. Blade]

An executive of a big international corporation was driving his sports car through the country side. At some point during his ride, something caught his attention: it was a shepherd, conducting his flock of sheep through a calm, unpaved road.

The executive then thought, "hey, I can easily fool this guy", and stopped his car. He stepped out, and went on to talk to the shepherd.

"Hello there, my good man. I see you have a beautiful herd here", said the guy. "I wanna make you a proposal. If I guess the right number of sheep you have, can I take one with me?" The shepherd thought about for a moment, and said, "alright, go ahead."

The executive then drew his laptop and his scientific calculator. He used data from a satellite to estimate the area occupied by the flock, then accessed a database to see the historic records of sheep proportions in that particular region. After minutes of frantic calculation and research, the man came up with a result: "you have 61 sheep, 23 males, 34 females and 10 lambs. 2 of the females are pregnant." The shepherd mumbled, "yeah, you are right...", and the man promptly grabbed an animal and headed for his car.

The shepherd then asked him, "hey pal, if I guess your profession right, would you give my sheep back?", to which the man replied, "why not, go ahead!", while thinking, "this redneck can not possibly get that right!"

The shepherd then said, "you are a statistical consultant, aren't you?"

The man was shocked. "How did you find out?"

The shepherd explained: "4 things, actually. First, you showed up without being requested. Second, you used the most complex and time consuming method possible. Third, you did all that to tell me something I already knew. And fourth, you don't understand a thing about the subject you are working with, please give me back my dog."

[G-man]

Heavenly
Two old micks are replacing a roof on a whore house in Dublin. They break for lunch and sit to watch the crowd go by.

Pretty soon they see Rabbi Liebowitz from Temple Beth Israel coming down the street and he turns into the building beneath them.

"Oh and ain't that a shame Paddy? A good man of the pagan cloth takin' his pleasure in a house of sin?"

Pretty soon they see Reverend Thompson from the Church of England coming down the street and he goes into their building.

"Can you believe it Sean? Another fornicator! Just last week I saw him giving candy to children."

Finally they see Father O'Malley from St. John's Cathedral coming down the street and he goes in the front door.

"And ain't that a wonderful sight, Paddy? Some poor girl must be dying in there and the good father's come to give her his blessing!"

[Plthijnx]

To Be 6 Again!

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was
looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not
far off he asked what she'd like to
have for her birthday.

'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror .

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall
of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was
reeling and her stomach felt upside
down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a
chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy,
M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed
exhausted.


He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six
again?'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

'I meant my dress size, you freaking retard!!!!'

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna
get it wrong.

[FlyboyGil]

Rick walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.  He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 10 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Rick and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Rick said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Rick placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Rick. "Fair's fair. Here's your money", she said.

Rick replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news, So I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied, "I did, too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."

Rick took the money.

[Plthijnx]

I just finished talking with my friend in Buffalo, and he said that since early this morning, all his wife has done is look through the kitchen window and the snow is nearly waist high. He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in...

[Oddball]

Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration, and the FAA examiner arrived last week for the pre-Christmas flight check.

In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order. He knew they would examine all his equipment and truly put Santa’s flying skills to the test…The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolph’s nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa’s weight and balance calculations for the sled’s enormous payload.

Finally, they were ready for the checkride. Santa got in and fastened his seatbelt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa’s surprise, a shotgun.

“What’s that for?!?” asked Santa incredulously.

The examiner winked and said, “I’m not supposed to tell you this ahead of time,” as he leaned over to whisper in Santa’s ear, “but you’re gonna lose an engine on takeoff.”

[Stef]

Stole some really wise wisdoms for you:

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, why don't you just leave me the hell alone?

Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.

No one is listening until you fart.

Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of credit card payments.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.

Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass ... then things just keep getting worse.

[Plthijnx]

ty stef i needed that!

[Plthijnx]

(can't remember if this was posted already....if so whoops!)

PUNS FOR THOSE WITH A HIGHER IQ

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away.)
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted - Taint yours and taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.

[FlyboyGil]

Wise man say: "He who runs in front of car gets tired, he who runs behind, is exhausted."

[YawningMan]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To show the armadillo it can be done.

http://www.aaanimalcontrol.com/blog/roadkilledarmadillo.htm



Why did the traffic light turn red?

If you had to change in the middle of the street, you'd turn red, too!



A couple of Boy Scouts, Earl and Carlos, decided to plan to go to the movies on Saturday. They eagerly scooped up their allowances, got on their bikes, and were on their way. When they arrived, the theatre wasn't very full. Strangely, there was a man lying in the middle of the aisle. Having just learned First Aid, the Boy Scouts were eager to see if they could help.

Remembering that one should never move a victim without knowing what's wrong, Earl started by asking, "Hello, we're Boy Scouts and we're going to help you. Are you okay?" The man merely replied by groaning. Earl wondered, "Do you think he heard me? Maybe he doesn't know English." Carlos knew Spanish, so he thought he'd try his hand. He asked the same question in Spanish, but got the same response.

Carlos thought, "Well, that didn't work, Earl. Do you think he'd understand us if we asked him where he came from?" Earl didn't have any better ideas, so he slowly asked, "Sir, can you tell us where you came from?" At this, the man slowly and painfully raised his arm, pointing straight up. Under great strain, he answered, "The balcony".

[Stef]

[Oddball]

A fighter pilot goes to a bar after a good days flying. Whilst there he meets a young, attractive and available lady. She is charmed by his tales of aerial combat, high speed flight, and death defying feats. The inevitable happens and they slip away to somewhere more comfortable for an evenings intimate entertainment.

Much later that night the pilot drives home to his long suffering wife. On the way he puts on his oxygen mask and draws the straps up as tight as they will go. When he gets home he removes the mask and bravely enters the house. Immediately he tells the wife exactly and honestly what he has been up to that evening.

She replies: “Do not lie to me, I can see you have been flying that damned airplane yet again”.

[Mike]

A fighter pilot goes to a bar after a good days flying. Whilst there he meets a young, attractive and available lady. She is charmed by his tales of aerial combat, high speed flight, and death defying feats. The inevitable happens and they slip away to somewhere more comfortable for an evenings intimate entertainment.

Much later that night the pilot drives home to his long suffering wife. On the way he puts on his oxygen mask and draws the straps up as tight as they will go. When he gets home he removes the mask and bravely enters the house. Immediately he tells the wife exactly and honestly what he has been up to that evening.

She replies: “Do not lie to me, I can see you have been flying that damned airplane yet again”.

this is great!! thanks for posting!