Author Topic: Humor....I need Humor!  (Read 1369466 times)

Offline Oddball

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2475 on: October 02, 2012, 06:00:11 PM »
Thanks Stef started to sound like Dr Stranglove while reading that.  ::banghead::
"You can teach monkeys to fly better than that!"and "spring chicken to sh**e hawk in one easy lesson"

Offline Stef

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2476 on: October 02, 2012, 06:27:52 PM »
Haha! Dr. Strangelove! What a great movie! "Gentlemen, you can't fight in here! This is the War Room!!"  ::rofl::

Offline Oddball

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2477 on: October 02, 2012, 06:48:00 PM »
"Mr President we can not allow a mine shaft gap!"
"You can teach monkeys to fly better than that!"and "spring chicken to sh**e hawk in one easy lesson"

Offline Mike

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2478 on: October 02, 2012, 07:52:35 PM »
A lesson?

 
A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"

The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."

The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned," Then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.

"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

MORAL: Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer .
 


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Offline Mike

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2479 on: October 02, 2012, 11:42:31 PM »

My girlfriend left a note on the fridge,
"It's not working! I can't take it anymore.
I am going to my moms place."

I opened the fridge.
The light came one. The beer was cold....

What the hell is she talking about? ? ?


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Offline Fabo

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2480 on: October 06, 2012, 09:47:46 PM »
This is funny AND educational!
"When once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been, and there you will always long to return."

Offline Stef

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2481 on: October 16, 2012, 10:15:05 AM »
It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens Center.

Claude the hypnotist explained: "I'm here to put you into a trance. I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

"I want each of you to keep your eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.

A hundred pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, the chain broke, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"SHIT!" said the hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens Center and Claude was never invited back.

Offline FlyboyGil

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2482 on: October 18, 2012, 06:57:39 PM »
When I see a cute couple making out, I yell "I knew you were seeing somebody else!" and run away crying.
IF YOU CAN'T SAY ANYTHING NICE, YOU'RE PROBABLY AT THE ICE CAPADES

Offline Busdriver

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2483 on: October 24, 2012, 08:05:06 AM »
Just read this in another forum:

Quote
I told my Dad I wanted to be a pilot when I grew up. He said - Son, you can't do both.

Offline Mike

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2484 on: October 24, 2012, 04:04:04 PM »
Just read this in another forum:

Quote
I told my Dad I wanted to be a pilot when I grew up. He said - Son, you can't do both.

This is great! a classic!
might have been partially behind the inspiration of strip one / page one, in our latest book  ;)

http://shopusa.chickenwingscomics.com/product/chicken-wings-4-gold-rush


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Offline Rooster Cruiser

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2485 on: October 24, 2012, 06:09:55 PM »
Just read this in another forum:

Quote
I told my Dad I wanted to be a pilot when I grew up. He said - Son, you can't do both.

I just posted that to my Facebook page!  Hehe.  Thanks for the inspiration, Bus!

Mike you are correct...  its a classic!

RC
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Wolf Creek Pass, by CW McCall

Offline Stef

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2486 on: October 27, 2012, 01:51:27 PM »
I was wondering why that frisbee was getting bigger.

And then it hit me.

---

Why didn't the skeleton go to the party?

It had no body to go with.

---

Why didn't the skeleton ask their crush to the party?

It didn't have the guts to do it.

---

A photon walks into a hotel. The bellhop asks if he needs help with his bags. The photon says, "no, I'm travelling light. "

Offline Mike

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2487 on: November 08, 2012, 10:25:36 PM »
A drunk woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi at Fortitude Valley in Brisbane , Australia .
 
The Indian driver opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the Cab.

"What's wrong with you Luv, haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

"I'll not be staring at you lady, I am telling you, that would not be  proper, where I am coming from..."

"Well, if you're not bloody staring at me Luvie, what are you doing then?"

"Well, I am looking and looking, and I am thinking and thinking to myself, where is this lady keeping the money to be paying me?"   


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Offline Stef

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2488 on: November 16, 2012, 02:20:31 PM »
Time for some wordplays...

A will is a dead giveaway.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.

She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

Offline Stef

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2489 on: November 30, 2012, 11:55:13 AM »
The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you, the old Muslim woman says."You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,

"I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago!!!!"