Author Topic: Humor....I need Humor!  (Read 1378221 times)

Offline Ragwing

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2130 on: June 14, 2009, 03:16:01 AM »
ODE TO THE TAIL DRAGGER

Tail Dragger I hate your guts
I have the license, ratings and such,
but to make you go straight is driving me nuts.
With hours of teaching and controls in my clutch
It takes a little rudder -- easy, that's too much!

You see, I learned to fly in a tricycle gear
With one up front and two in the rear.
She was sleek and clean and easy to steer
But this miserable thing with tires and struts
Takes a little rudder -- easy, that's too much!

It demands your attention on the takeoff roll,
Or it heads towards the boonies as you pour on the coal
Gotta hang loose, don't over control

This wicked little plane is just too much
With a lot of zigzagging and words obscene
I think I've mastered this slippery machine.
It's not too bad if you have the touch
Just a little rudder -- easy, that's too much!

I relax for a second and from the corner of my eye
I suddenly realize, with a gasp and a cry
That's my own tail that's going by!
You ground looping wreck, I hate your guts
Give a little rudder -- Oh no, THAT'S TOO MUCH!

Offline Plthijnx

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2131 on: June 18, 2009, 08:41:08 PM »
i could use this:
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline Plthijnx

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2132 on: June 18, 2009, 08:46:34 PM »
HOW TO SAVE THE AIRLINES

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.

Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell -- They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?

The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a 'party atmosphere' going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.

Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and 'special services.'

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.

This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,
Bill Clinton
__________________
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline mtnman

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2133 on: June 18, 2009, 09:23:43 PM »
Rules for male aging:

1) never pass up an opportuity to empty your bladder.
2) never take an erection for granted.
3) never assume it is gas.
sunday, monday, tuesday, wednesday, thursday, friday, saturday....see, there is no "someday"!

Offline Rooster Cruiser

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2134 on: June 20, 2009, 05:32:15 AM »
Quote
I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and 'special services.'

Some years back, I worked part time as a DJ at a stripper bar.  My kickback from the girls was normally a mere 10%.  Please keep this in mind when you decide to re-launch Hooters Air!  Hehe.   ::whistle:: ::whistle:: ::whistle:: ::drinking::

RC
"Me and Earl was haulin' chickens / On a flatbed outta Wiggins..."

Wolf Creek Pass, by CW McCall

Offline Rooster Cruiser

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2135 on: June 23, 2009, 04:31:54 AM »
When Insults Had Class


There was a time when words were used beautifully. These glorious insults are from an era when cleverness with words was
 still valued, before a great portion of the English language was boiled down to four-letter words!


The exchange between Churchill and Lady Astor:
She said, "If you were my husband, I'd give you poison," and he said, "If you were my wife, I'd take it."

Gladstone, a Member of Parliament, to Benjamin Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, sir," said Disraeli, "On whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

"He had delusions of adequacy." -Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." - Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." - Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" - Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." - Abraham Lincoln

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend . . . if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second . . . if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop

He is a self-made man and worships his creator." -  John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure." - Jack E. Leonard

"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." -  Robert Redford

"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge." - Thomas Brackett Reed

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." -  Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts . .. . for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilde
 
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx
"Me and Earl was haulin' chickens / On a flatbed outta Wiggins..."

Wolf Creek Pass, by CW McCall

Offline mtnman

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2136 on: June 23, 2009, 01:15:19 PM »
A college professor walks into the lecture hall carrying a large bag.  He takes from the bag, and sets on the counter, a glass beaker, which he fills with scotch.  He then drops a large nightcrawler into the beaker.  The nightcrawler dies instantly.  Looking up at the class the professor asks: "What conclusion can we draw from this experiment?"  ::thinking::
From the back of the room comes a male voice :  "I see if you drink scotch you will never have worms!"   ;D


Same college, the english prfessor makes the statement: "A double negative makes a positive, but a double positive is always positive."
Same student voice in the back of the room responds: "Yeah....Right."   ::rofl::
sunday, monday, tuesday, wednesday, thursday, friday, saturday....see, there is no "someday"!

Offline Oddball

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2137 on: June 23, 2009, 01:36:02 PM »
Beware of any emails warning you not to eat tinned pork due to swine flu ignore it.............................











It's just SPAM.
« Last Edit: June 23, 2009, 02:13:49 PM by Oddball »
"You can teach monkeys to fly better than that!"and "spring chicken to sh**e hawk in one easy lesson"

Offline Rooster Cruiser

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2138 on: June 23, 2009, 02:42:07 PM »
I had SPAM burgers for lunch yesterday.   It's a vastly underrated delicacy!   ;D ::drinking::
"Me and Earl was haulin' chickens / On a flatbed outta Wiggins..."

Wolf Creek Pass, by CW McCall

Offline G-man

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2139 on: June 23, 2009, 05:07:00 PM »
Beware of any emails warning you not to eat tinned pork due to swine flu ignore it.............................
It's just SPAM.

There has been a "rasher" of cases recently..
Life may not be the party we hoped for---but while we're here--we might as well dance..........

Offline FlyboyGil

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2140 on: June 23, 2009, 10:32:21 PM »
When Insults Had Class

Poor ol' Winnie gets blasted multiple times!   >:( >:(
IF YOU CAN'T SAY ANYTHING NICE, YOU'RE PROBABLY AT THE ICE CAPADES

Offline Oddball

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2141 on: June 24, 2009, 07:04:34 AM »
I would nae say blasted my canadian friend more like he had a certain way with words and is much quoted  ;)
"You can teach monkeys to fly better than that!"and "spring chicken to sh**e hawk in one easy lesson"

Offline Ragwing

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2142 on: June 24, 2009, 01:23:05 PM »
Cupid at Law

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.

He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

Offline G-man

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2143 on: June 25, 2009, 06:21:39 PM »
A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten knob...

We all looked at each other and asked, 'What is a seven-hundred-ten knob?'

She replied, 'You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one.'

She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there.

The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked 'is there a 710 on this car?'

She pointed and said, 'Of course, it's right there.' If you're not sure what a 710 knob is...

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Life may not be the party we hoped for---but while we're here--we might as well dance..........

Offline Frank N. O.

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2144 on: June 26, 2009, 12:53:31 PM »
Hahaha, oh man, great insults! Such class |:)\

Frank
"When once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been, and there you will always long to return."
Leonardo da Vinci