Humor....I need Humor!

[Mike]

Saw this in the German "Fliegermagazin". Pretty cute!

Pilot:     >>Cincinnati Ground, Cargo 2974, we don't know where we are parking.<<
Ground: >> Cargo 2974, Indy Ground, aparently you don't know where you landed either.<<

[happylanding]

I did not have a lot of time lately (I still don't actually! ) and see that I've quite ignored the thread. so, here we are...............

Enjoy!

An elderly lady goes into the doctor and tells him - "Doctor, I don't know what the problem is, but I've been farting all the time. It's not really a problem socially because they don't make any noise and don't smell. I just can't stop farting all the time. In fact while I've been in here I must have farted at least 20 times."

The doctor nods and gives her some pills. "Here take these for two weeks and come see me again when you are done."

So she takes the pills and returns two weeks later as instructed. Infuriated, she confronted the doctor. "What kind of medicine is this? I'm still farting just as much? They still don't make any noise, but now they stink terribly!"

The doctor nodded, "It's alright, now that we have your sinus' cleared up, we'll work on your hearing next!"

[happylanding]

A petty thief, a teacher and a lawyer die and go to heaven.

When they get there they are stopped by St. Peter, who then says, "Sorry, heaven's crowding up, so you need to answer a question correctly, or else you can't get in."

He looks at the teacher, and asks her: "What was the name of the famous ocean-liner that sank after hitting an iceberg?" "Oh, that's easy," the teacher replied, "the Titanic." So St. Peter let her into heaven.

Next he turned to the petty thief. "How many people died on that ship?" St. Peter asked. "Oooh, that's tough, but I saw the movie, and it was 1, 500." St. Peter stepped away and the thief walked into heaven.

Finally, St. Peter turned to the lawyer. He simply said to him: "Name them."

[Baradium]

He simply said to him: "Name them."

 


Good ones!

[airtac]

I liked the one about farts---reminded me of when I first got my hearing aids, 

[undatc]

Forget all that stuff about lift, gravity, thrust and drag. An airplane flies because of money. If God  had meant man to fly, He'd have given him more money. -- Author Unknown

Instrument flying is an unnatural act probably punishable by God. -- Gordon Baxter

The purpose of the propeller is to keep a pilot cool. If you think not, stop the propeller and watch him sweat. -- Author Unknown

The similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies.
If ATC screws up, the pilot dies.

Asking what a pilot thinks about the FAA is like asking a fire hydrant what it thinks about dogs.

Why did God invent women when airplanes were so much fun?

A male pilot is a confused soul who talks about women when he's flying, and about flying when he's with a woman.

The RF-4E Phantom - living proof that if you put enough engine on something . . . even a brick could fly.

[undatc]

"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees." "Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?" "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

Allegedly, while taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" US Air 2771: "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

[cj5_pilot]

The last 3 post are oldies but well worth revisiting and the one about the dam beavers is really dam good.

Anything about a beaver is fine with me!   

Anyhow, I believe it was Ray Tremblay that wrote about having to blow up a beaver dam with dynamite.  He was working for Fish and Game at the time.  Thing is beavers are TENACIOUS!!!  They REALLY like their dam dams.   

My only problem with beavers is when I'm fishing in their stream in a canoe, minding my own buisness and they scare the H E double hockey sticks out of me by slapping their tail about an inch from the canoe.  It takes half an hour for my heart rate to hit double digits and an hour to pry my fingers off the 629!!!

BTW, ask Tundra about a little trip to "Adkins Rd" and a grouse exploding from underneath our feet....had either of us twitched with the .375 H&H or .35 Whelen it would have been raining grouse feathers for an hour!

[happylanding]

Girl's Prayer............Enjoy!  

Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One whose willy's thick and long.
One who thinks before he speaks,
when promises to call, he won't wait weeks.
pray that he is gainfully employed,
And when I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh, send me a man who will make love to my mind,
Knows just what to say, when I ask "How big's my behind?"
One who'll make love till my body's a twitchin,
In the hall, the loo, the garden and the kitchen!
I pray that this man will love me no end,
And never attempt to shag my best friend.
And as I kneel and pray by my bed,
I look at the asshole you sent me instead.
Amen.

[tundra_flier]

BTW, ask Tundra about a little trip to "Adkins Rd" and a grouse exploding from underneath our feet....had either of us twitched with the .375 H&H or .35 Whelen it would have been raining grouse feathers for an hour!

Well, the pile of bones and bear poop we're just discovered, and the fact that you kept insisting your compass was backwards had something to do with my being just a bit jumpy. 

Phil

[airtac]

The last 3 post are oldies but well worth revisiting and the one about the dam beavers is really dam good.

Anything about a beaver is fine with me!   

I've heard the that beaver TAIL is good eating  dunno tho, never tried it (BEAVER tail) 

[G-man]

[G-man]

dog diary/cat diary
 
DOG DIARY


8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!

9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!

9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!

1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!

7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with my people!
               My favorite thing!

11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!



CAT DIARY


Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the  rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.

In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am.

Bastards!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.

The dog receives special privileges He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. 

For now...

[cj5_pilot]

BTW, ask Tundra about a little trip to "Adkins Rd" and a grouse exploding from underneath our feet....had either of us twitched with the .375 H&H or .35 Whelen it would have been raining grouse feathers for an hour!

Well, the pile of bones and bear poop we're just discovered, and the fact that you kept insisting your compass was backwards had something to do with my being just a bit jumpy. 

Phil

I still remember you asking me (the guy with the bigger gun) to lead

Besides I remember BOTH of us being jumpy in a tent trailer in bear country at Donnely Dike!

[G-man]

Saw this on another site and thought you all would apprieciate it, everything is clearer now!!!! 

This story explains a lot of things. How many times have you woken up the morning after a hard night's drinking and thought ´How on earth did I get home?´ As hard as you try, you cannot piece together your return journey from the pub to your house.

The answer to this is that you used a "Beer scooter".

The Beer Scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased to the drunk by Bacchus, the Roman god of wine. Bacchus has acquired a large batch of these magical devices.

The Beer Scooter works in the following fashion: - The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness and the "slurring gland" begins to give off a pheromone. Bacchus, or one of his many sub-contractors, detects this pheromone and sends down a winged Beer Scooter.

The scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits them in their bedroom via a Trans-Dimensional-Portal. This is not cheap to run, so a large portion of the passenger’s in-pocket cash is taken as payment. This answers the second question after a night out ¨How did I spend so much money? ´

Unfortunately, Beer Scooters have a poor safety record and are thought to be responsible for over 90% of all UDI (Unidentified Drinking Injuries). An undocumented feature of the beer scooter is the destruction of time segments during the trip.

The nature of the Trans-Dimensional portals dictates that time will be lost, seemingly unaccounted for. This answers the third question after a night out `What the hell happened?´ With good intentions, Bacchus opted for the REMIT (Removal of Embarrassing Moments in Time) add on, that automatically removes, in descending order, those parts in time regretted most.

Unfortunately one person's REMIT is not necessarily the REMIT of another and quite often lost time is regained in discussions over a period of time. Independent studies have also shown that Beer Goggles often cause the scooter's navigation system to malfunction thus sending the passenger to the wrong bedroom, often with horrific consequences!

With recent models including a GPS, Bacchus made an investment in a scooter drive-thru chain specialized in half eaten kebabs and pizza crusts.
Another question answered!

For the family man, Beer Scooters come equipped with flowers picked from other people's gardens and Thump-A-Lot boots (Patent Pending). These boots are designed in such a way that no matter how quietly you tip-toe up the stairs, you are sure to wake up your other half. Special anti-gravity springs ensure that you bump into every wall in the house and the CTSGS (Coffee Table Seeking Guidance Systems) explains the bruised shins.
The final add-on Bacchus saw fit to invest in for some Scooters is the TAS (Tobacco Absorption System). This explains how one person can apparently get through 160 Silk Cut purple in a single night.

PS: Don't forget then on-board heater, which allows you to comfortably get home from the pub in the sub-zero temperatures, wearing just a T-shirt.