Author Topic: Humor....I need Humor!  (Read 1390010 times)

Offline Mike

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1080 on: July 11, 2007, 04:21:38 AM »
Ok, but back to humor!    ;D


How to Tell the Sex of a Fly



A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter

"What are you doing?"
She asked.

"Hunting Flies"
He responded.
"Oh. ! Killing any?"
She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked.
"How can you tell them apart?"

He responded,
"3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone."



Dear IRS: Please cancel my subscription.

Offline Rooster Cruiser

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1081 on: July 11, 2007, 04:35:18 AM »
Gil, I hope you understand we had to delete your religious joke there.

It's sad and even though I totally agree, I DO NOT want to get roped into a discussion about this subject here with Chicken Wings. . .

Quite frankly, these guys scare the crap out of me.


Sorry.



Dang Mike!  Why should you be afraid of the PC Gestapo?  Hehe.  j/k 
"Me and Earl was haulin' chickens / On a flatbed outta Wiggins..."

Wolf Creek Pass, by CW McCall

Offline mehek

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1082 on: July 11, 2007, 10:02:42 AM »
nice jokes.  ::rofl::
                         ::rofl::
                                 ::rofl::
                                         ::rofl::
                                       

Offline Skid Kid

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1083 on: July 16, 2007, 04:30:11 AM »
http://www.strategypage.com/humor/articles/military_jokes_20076152.asp
In the end, its shear boredom that gets to you on deployments.
Don't worry, it'll buff out.

Offline Rooster Cruiser

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1084 on: July 18, 2007, 09:50:09 PM »
http://www.strategypage.com/humor/articles/military_jokes_20076152.asp
In the end, its shear boredom that gets to you on deployments.

Yer right.  Them boys were terribly bored to stage that!!!  ::unbelieveable::
"Me and Earl was haulin' chickens / On a flatbed outta Wiggins..."

Wolf Creek Pass, by CW McCall

Offline Rooster Cruiser

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1085 on: July 23, 2007, 05:13:10 AM »
Two friends are sitting on a park bench. The first guy turns to his friend and said,

"You know what a Freudian Slip is? Well, the other day, I walked into the train station to buy some tickets and the girl behind the counter had HUGE boobs. So I tried to ask for two tickets to Pittsburg, what actually came out was, "I'd like two pickets to Tittsburg!"

To which the friend replied,

I know exactly what you mean. Yesterday, I saw my wife coming down the stairs, and I meant to say, "Honey, I love you." But when I opened my mouth, what came out was,

B*tch, you ruined my F*CK*NG life!"
"Me and Earl was haulin' chickens / On a flatbed outta Wiggins..."

Wolf Creek Pass, by CW McCall

Offline Firegirl

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1086 on: July 23, 2007, 09:32:01 PM »
 A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond
 female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.
 She opened it then slammed it shut & stormed back in the house.
 A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and
 again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
 As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again,
 marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than
 ever.
 

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is!"


My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet you could shoot beer out of you nose.  --- Jack Handy

Offline Rooster Cruiser

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1087 on: July 25, 2007, 02:53:53 AM »
WELCOME TO THE HUSBAND STORE!!

A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City , where a
woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance
is a description of how the store operates:

 WELCOME TO THE HUSBAND STORE!!

You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a
catch... you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
Happy Shopping!!!!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband...
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1: These men have jobs and love the Lord.

The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2: These men have jobs, love the Lord, and like kids.

The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3: These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the
fourth floor and sign reads:

Floor 4: These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she
goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:

Floor 5: These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6: You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!

If the grass looks greener on the other side of the fence... you can rest
assured the water bill is higher there too!
"Me and Earl was haulin' chickens / On a flatbed outta Wiggins..."

Wolf Creek Pass, by CW McCall

Offline PiperGirl

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1088 on: July 30, 2007, 02:44:59 PM »
Here's a bit of Michigan humor for you...

ANNOUNCING....
U.P. AIR, NOW OPERATING FROM PELLSTON AND ESCANABA  AIRPORT.
YA SHURE, YA BETCHA ! DIS IS DA LATEST AIR SERVICE TO SPROUT UP IN MICHIGAN, ALSO SERVING VISCONSIN, NORT AND SOUT DAKOTA, and MINNESODA.
 
If you are travelin' soon, consider U.P. Air, da no-frills airline. You're all in da same boat on U.P. Air, vere flyin is a upliftin experience.
 
Dere is no first class on any U.P. air flight. Meals are potluck. Rows 1-6, bring rolls; 7-15, bring a salad; 16-21, a main dish, and 22-30, a dessert. Basses and tenors please sit in da rear of da aircraft.
 
Everyone is responsible for his or hers own baggage. All fares are by free vill offering and da plane will not land 'til da budget is met. Pay attention to your flight attendant, who vill acquaint you vit da safety system aboard dis U.P. Air 599.
 
Okay den, listen up. I'm only gonna say dis vonce. In da ewent of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, I am frankly going to be real surprised and so vill Captain Elmer Aho, because no maater vat FAA vants, we fly all our ruutes right around four tousand feet, so loss of cabin pressure vould probably mean da Second Coming or someting of dat nature, and I vouldn't bodar with doze liddle masks on da rubber tubes. You're gonna have bigger tings to vorry about den dat.
 
Just stuff doze back up in dair little holes. Probably da masks fell out because of turbulence vich, to be honest vit you, ve're going to have quite a bit of at four tousand feet, sort a like driving across a plowed field, but after a vile you get used to it.
 
In da event of a vater landing, I'd say forget it. Start saying da Lord's Prayer and just hope you get to da part about forgive us our sins as ve forgive doze who sin against us, vich some Catolicks people say 'Trespass against us,' vich isn't right, but vat can you do?
 
Da use of cell phones on da plane is strictly forbidden, not because day may confuse da plane's navigation system, vich is seat of da pants all da vay. No, it's because cell phones are a pain in da vazoo, and if God meant you to use a cell phone, He vould have put your mout on da side of your head.
 
Ve start lunch right about noon and it's buffet style vith da coffee pot up front. Den ve'll have da hymn sing; hymnals are in da seat pocket in front of you. Don't take yours vit you when you go or I am going to be real upset and I am not kiddin! After hymns ve vill play a medley on de airplane's ovverhed speakers of Champaane musik by Lawerence Velk.
 
Right now I'll say Grace. 'Come, Lord Jesus, be our guest and let deze gifts to us be blessed. Fadar, Son, and Holy Ghost, may ve land in Escanaba or pretty damm close.
No guilt in life, no fear in death /This is the power of Christ in me /From life’s first cry to final breath /Jesus commands my destiny~ Newsboys "In Christ Alone"

Offline Frank N. O.

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1089 on: July 30, 2007, 04:43:47 PM »
Firegirl: I posted this to my best friend Chey who's a beautiful blonde, but also a university graduate with a deegree in IT technology which is her main work-field (also as a tech consultant/supporter), she'll get a great laugh from it I'm sure

Rooster Cruiser: LOL, great story, but aren't a lot of men like that too?

PiperGirl: Haha, quite a funny story and a nice contribution as your first post, welcome aboard  ::wave::

Frank
"When once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been, and there you will always long to return."
— Leonardo da Vinci

Offline Fabo

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1090 on: July 30, 2007, 05:51:42 PM »
Seems like we are getting the ratio of girls to men higher, huh?


Kinda like the michegan air joike.

Vitaj do nas! A naj se ci u nas lubi!
"When once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been, and there you will always long to return."

Offline PiperGirl

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1091 on: August 02, 2007, 03:39:43 PM »

Essential additions for the workplace vocabulary:  ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl::

ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.  ::complaining:

ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than by working hard.

SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.

PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The Anna Nicole show or the Bachelor is a prime example.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message"404 Not Found" (meaning that the requested document, like the person's brain, could not be located.)

GENERICA: Features of the North American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions.

OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.  ::banghead::

WOOFYS: Well Off Older Folks.

CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously farting while passing through a cube farm, then enjoying the sounds of dismay and disgust (leads to PRAIRIE DOGGING) .

No guilt in life, no fear in death /This is the power of Christ in me /From life’s first cry to final breath /Jesus commands my destiny~ Newsboys "In Christ Alone"

Offline Fabo

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1092 on: August 02, 2007, 05:15:20 PM »
404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message"404 Not Found" (meaning that the requested document, like the person's brain, could not be located.)

I like this one most  ::bow::
"When once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been, and there you will always long to return."

Offline FlyboyGil

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1093 on: August 03, 2007, 12:04:15 AM »
An attractive blonde arrived at the casinon and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude".
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed..."YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
 
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL OF THE STORY -
Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men
IF YOU CAN'T SAY ANYTHING NICE, YOU'RE PROBABLY AT THE ICE CAPADES

Offline Rooster Cruiser

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1094 on: August 03, 2007, 10:42:36 PM »
Fifteen reasons why men have 2 dogs and not 2 wives:



1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog's parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or desk.

7. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

8. Dogs find you are amusing when you're drunk.

9. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

10. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, 'If I died, would you get another dog?'

11. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

12. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

13. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.

14 Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

15. If a dog decides to leave you, it won't take half of your stuff.
"Me and Earl was haulin' chickens / On a flatbed outta Wiggins..."

Wolf Creek Pass, by CW McCall