Author Topic: Humor....I need Humor!  (Read 1384733 times)

airtac

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #930 on: April 11, 2007, 03:04:16 PM »
Oh dear....  Uhhhh...

Choice "C" -- ALL OF THE ABOVE!!!!    ::whistle::

 ;)    ;)    ;)    ;)    ;)    ;)    ;)
NOT HARDLY S'MOM,
You be OK to hang with anytime anywhere---certainly my choice of pals  ::bow::

Offline TheSoccerMom

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #931 on: April 11, 2007, 06:45:27 PM »
Ha ha, THANKS Airtac!!!!  (Is, er, your mailing address the same?  Your $20 is on the way....)    ;D

 ;D
Don't make me come back there!!!!

airtac

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #932 on: April 11, 2007, 08:50:29 PM »
Ha ha, THANKS Airtac!!!!  (Is, er, your mailing address the same?  Your $20 is on the way....)    ;D

 ;D
Forget the 20 bucks----After all, we did share a breakfast---(let them wonder about that ::) )

Offline gibbo_335

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #933 on: April 11, 2007, 10:38:55 PM »
Ha ha, THANKS Airtac!!!!  (Is, er, your mailing address the same?  Your $20 is on the way....)    ;D

 ;D
Forget the 20 bucks----After all, we did share a breakfast---(let them wonder about that ::) )

Breakfast.....together....in the NUNNERY!!...OMG  ::eek:: the rumours will be rife!!!!! ::rofl::
YEWWWwwwwwwwww

Offline gibbo_335

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #934 on: April 12, 2007, 12:23:15 AM »
Seeing as how I work with Engineers...

Understanding Engineers - Take One

Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when  one
said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer  replied,
"Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own  business, when a
beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the  ground, took off all
her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The  second engineer nodded
approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have
fitted you anyway."


Understanding Engineers - Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass  is
half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.


Understanding Engineers - Take Three

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with  those
blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed
in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"  The priest said,
"Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with  him." He said,
"Hello, George! What's wrong with that group ahead of us?
They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes.
That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our
clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free
anytime." The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said,  "That's so
sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."  The doctor
said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see
if there's anything he can do for them." The  engineer said, "Why can't
they play at night?"


Understanding Engineers - Take Four

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.


Understanding Engineers - Take Five

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"


Understanding Engineers - Take Six

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible
designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical  engineer. Just
look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer.
The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last
one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else
would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area ?"


Understanding Engineers - Take Seven

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers
believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.


Understanding Engineers - Take Eight

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him  and
said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He  bent over,
picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke  up again and
said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful  princess, I will
stay with you for one week." The engineer took the  frog out of his pocket,
smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.  The frog then cried out, "If
you kiss me and turn me back into a  Princess, I'll stay with you for one
week and do ANYTHING you want."  Again, the engineer took the frog out,
smiled at it and put it back  into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked,
"What is the matter? I've  told you I'm a beautiful princess, and that I'll
stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss
me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a
girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
YEWWWwwwwwwwww

Offline TheSoccerMom

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #935 on: April 12, 2007, 01:18:38 AM »
Forget the 20 bucks----After all, we did share a breakfast---(let them wonder about that ::) )

Heeeeeeeeee heeeeeeeeeee, oooh, OUI, mon cher!!!!     ;)           ;)

You shoulda seen the Mother Superior's face, Gibbo!!!!!!!!    :D

 ;)
Don't make me come back there!!!!

Offline tundra_flier

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #936 on: April 12, 2007, 05:04:14 AM »
Quote
Understanding Engineers - Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass  is
half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

No, the glass obviously has a 50% safty factor  ::sulk::

Phil  ::rambo::

Offline gibbo_335

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #937 on: April 12, 2007, 05:30:56 AM »
Is there any other type?? ...ahem to an Engineer ::silly::
YEWWWwwwwwwwww

Offline FlyboyGil

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #938 on: April 13, 2007, 07:01:24 PM »
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the
batteries are getting dead?
:
: Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is
not enough money?
:
: Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars,
but check when you say the paint is wet?
:
: Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
:
: Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
:
: Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
:
: Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a
revolver at him?
:
: Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
:
: Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
:
: If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
:
: Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are
always white?
:
: Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
:
: Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that
something new to eat will have materialized?
:
: Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum
cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to
: give the vacuum one more chance?
:
: Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
:
: How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
:
: When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping
cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all
: right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you
stupid idiot?"
:
: Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off
the table you always manage to knock something else over?
:
: In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when
we complained about the heat?
:
: How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
:
« Last Edit: April 13, 2007, 10:54:47 PM by FlyboyGil »
IF YOU CAN'T SAY ANYTHING NICE, YOU'RE PROBABLY AT THE ICE CAPADES

Offline G-man

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #939 on: April 15, 2007, 02:28:12 PM »
"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night. "
Rodney Dangerfield

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
Lynn Lavner

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."   

Camille Paglia

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant."
George Burns

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."     

Sharon Stone

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men.

Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
Tiger Woods

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
Jack Nicholson

" Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
Barbara Bush

(Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
Robin Williams

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place"
Billy Crystal


"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
Robert De Niro


"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
Dustin Hoffman

 

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked !"
Jerry Seinfeld

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
Robin Williams

"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."
Joan Rivers   

 

"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy."
Steve Martin


" You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-..aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life."
Elmo Phillips

" Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
Oscar Wilde


" It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
George Burns

 
Life may not be the party we hoped for---but while we're here--we might as well dance..........

Offline G-man

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #940 on: April 15, 2007, 02:35:25 PM »
An old southern country preacher from Georgia had a teenage son named David and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:

- a Bible,

- a silver dollar,

- a bottle of whisky and

- a Playboy magazine

I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself, "and when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a Businessman, and that would be OK, But if picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame that would be.
And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he's gonna be a skirt-chasin' bum."

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.
Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's Centerfold.

"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered, "he's gonna be a pilot!"



Life may not be the party we hoped for---but while we're here--we might as well dance..........

airtac

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #941 on: April 15, 2007, 02:38:34 PM »
"he's gonna be a pilot"
HAAAAHAAAHAHA ::bow:: ::rofl::
NOW THAT'S GOOD !! (there's so much truth in humor)

Offline FlyboyGil

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #942 on: April 16, 2007, 05:54:28 PM »
Due to a high rate of disorderly conduct due to alcohol consumption at company picnics, we have made a policy of only 1 cup of alcohol per person.
IF YOU CAN'T SAY ANYTHING NICE, YOU'RE PROBABLY AT THE ICE CAPADES

Offline Fabo

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #943 on: April 17, 2007, 06:29:55 AM »
Nice mornings laugh made my day :D  ::wave::
"When once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been, and there you will always long to return."

airtac

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #944 on: April 17, 2007, 12:52:12 PM »
Must have been washing down those T-Rex drumsticks Mike was talking about ::drinking::