Author Topic: Happy 4th Everybody!  (Read 5329 times)

Offline Mike

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Happy 4th Everybody!
« on: July 02, 2011, 11:52:20 PM »
Happy 4th Everybody!

 ::wave:: ::wave:: ::wave:: ::wave:: ::wave:: ::wave:: ::wave::

Think of me when you're out barbequeing, or at an airshow!

(I'll be working  :'( )
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Offline Jupiter

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Re: Happy 4th Everybody!
« Reply #1 on: July 03, 2011, 11:31:18 AM »
This should be appropriate then... :P


To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

(You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!
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Offline Mike

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Re: Happy 4th Everybody!
« Reply #2 on: July 03, 2011, 01:28:54 PM »
HA HA!
nice!  ::rofl::
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Offline Chopper Doc

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Re: Happy 4th Everybody!
« Reply #3 on: July 03, 2011, 06:03:41 PM »
Happy Fourth, from your cousins in Canada.
"I keep a bottle of stimulants handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy."
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Offline Oddball

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Re: Happy 4th Everybody!
« Reply #4 on: July 03, 2011, 06:33:14 PM »
Happy Fourth from your former Over Lords  ;D :D :P
"You can teach monkeys to fly better than that!"and "spring chicken to sh**e hawk in one easy lesson"

Offline 4X-NTY

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Re: Happy 4th Everybody!
« Reply #5 on: July 04, 2011, 11:48:00 AM »
Happy 4th from overseas!  ::wave:: ::wave::
EDIT: I am glad to say that I did a little celebration here in Israel with a bunch of Jewish Americans in McDonald's and later with my friend's family who came from America a long time ago.
« Last Edit: July 04, 2011, 11:12:46 PM by 4X-NTY »
Nitay "Pitz" Ronen

Offline Stef

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Re: Happy 4th Everybody!
« Reply #6 on: July 05, 2011, 10:52:32 AM »
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Well, with this logic, the whole world should be under British rule. And we know how *that* worked out in the past...  ;D

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Ahem... the Queen seems to be ill informed about her own country's elected officials.  ::whistle::

Offline Jupiter

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Re: Happy 4th Everybody!
« Reply #7 on: July 05, 2011, 11:27:37 AM »
Whoops...

yeah, have to admit I copied it from some website, and forgot to check if everything was still up-to-date...  ::banghead::
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Offline Oddball

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Re: Happy 4th Everybody!
« Reply #8 on: July 05, 2011, 01:22:12 PM »
Don't worry Stef even our "elected" Minister's don't know what they are doing.
"You can teach monkeys to fly better than that!"and "spring chicken to sh**e hawk in one easy lesson"

Offline Stef

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Re: Happy 4th Everybody!
« Reply #9 on: July 06, 2011, 03:31:54 PM »
Don't worry Stef even our "elected" Minister's don't know what they are doing.

You are stating the obvious! People who are happy with their politicians raise their hands, please!

Offline Mike

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Re: Happy 4th Everybody!
« Reply #10 on: July 06, 2011, 04:59:17 PM »
haven't heard anything from the US politicians lately . . . .

the only thing the country seems to be interested in is the Casey Anthony trial.....

 ::loony::
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Offline Chopper Doc

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Re: Happy 4th Everybody!
« Reply #11 on: July 10, 2011, 09:15:11 PM »
If the Casey Anthony trial took over the media, it's because the media decided to sensationalise the trial instead of exposing the abject failure of their Democrat friends in Washington; how else could all of the "bad" stuff Bush did get expanded, and every crisis in American life become an opportunity for further expansion of government/union power and reach, or fail to even bring down a budget in over two years? 

And yet the Anthony trial leads?  The NY Times, the so-called "paper of record", runs ten times (48-5) as many stories about Anthony as they do about the illegal behaviour of the Democrats (vis. no budget) and they claim they aren't in bed with the Dems?

To find anything to compare the arrogance of the White House and Senate, twisting law, tradition, and bond with unthinkable frequency, you can't use American history - you need to use post-War II Soviet intransigence in eastern Europe or Chairman Mao's Cultural Revolution to draw a parallel.  Even Wilson's abuses of power will not approximate the changes that future generations of Americans will need to endure, long abfter Obama's gone.

And the media follows every faccial expression of any player in the Anthiony trial.  Shame on the press, shame on the circus.
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Offline Oddball

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Re: Happy 4th Everybody!
« Reply #12 on: July 13, 2011, 08:55:58 PM »
Don't worry Stef even our "elected" Minister's don't know what they are doing.

You are stating the obvious! People who are happy with their politicians raise their hands, please!

 ::wave:: ::wave:: ::wave:: I have to admit this.........  but I'm happy with Alec Salmond as First Minister in the Scottish Parliament (sorry for going a bit political)
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Offline Stef

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Re: Happy 4th Everybody!
« Reply #13 on: July 14, 2011, 10:30:39 AM »
but I'm happy with Alec Salmond as First Minister in the Scottish Parliament (sorry for going a bit political)

Good for you! No problem with being political. I wonder where the notion came from that it's impolite to talk about religion, politics or money... And I wonder why people always start fighting and can't respect another person's viewpoint. I like to explain it with this little gem from Bertrand Russel: "If an opinion contrary to your own makes you angry, that is a sign that you are subconsciously aware of having no good reason for thinking as you do. Whenever you find yourself getting angry about a difference of opinion, be on your guard; you will probably find, on examination, that your belief is going beyond what the evidence warrants."

Well, anyway, I am pretty disillusioned here with my political options. I have decided to do whatever I can on the local level and ignore those clowns up there until the next election. It's a total sideshow... We have really serious problems with the Euro zone on the brink of collapse and they're arguing about a few words in our national anthem.  ::loony::  ::complaining:

Offline Rooster Cruiser

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Re: Happy 4th Everybody!
« Reply #14 on: July 14, 2011, 03:26:34 PM »
Stef, do you know what they say about opinions around where I live?

"Opinions are like arseholes:  Everybody has one...  and they're often full of $hit!"

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