Author Topic: Humor....I need Humor!  (Read 1423311 times)

Offline diveej

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #435 on: June 27, 2006, 07:14:48 PM »
The Big Flood
It had been raining for days and days, and a terrible flood had come over the land. The waters rose so high that one man was forced to climb onto the roof of his house.

As the waters rose higher and higher, a man in a rowboat appeared, and told him to get in. "No," replied the man on the roof. "I have faith in the Lord; the Lord will save me." So the man in the rowboat went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him.

The waters rose higher and higher, and suddenly a speedboat appeared. "Climb in!" shouted a man in the boat. "No," replied the man on the roof. "I have faith in the Lord; the Lord will save me." So the man in the speedboat went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him.


The waters continued to rise. A helicopter appeared and over the loudspeaker, the pilot announced he would lower a rope to the man on the roof. "No," replied the man on the roof. "I have faith in the Lord; the Lord will save me." So the helicopter went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him.

The waters rose higher and higher, and eventually they rose so high that the man on the roof was washed away, and alas, the poor man drowned.

Upon arriving in heaven, the man marched straight over to God. "Heavenly Father," he said, "I had faith in you, I prayed to you to save me, and yet you did nothing. Why?" God gave him a puzzled look, and replied "I sent you two boats and a helicopter, what more did you expect?"

Offline diveej

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #436 on: June 27, 2006, 07:15:33 PM »
three women(blondes ) are trapped on a desert island and are wondering wot to do they all decide after some time to try and get off the island
they fumble around in the foreset and they manage to find a magic lamp they rub it (not in that way) and a genie pops out and say s i will grant you all one wish
the first blonde says to the genie I would like to be 10 times more clever -the genie snaps his fingers there is a puff of pink smoke and the blonde runs into the forest builds a canoe and sails away
the second asks to be 100 times more cleverer there is a puff of pink smoke she runs off uilds a yaught and sails away
the third is greedy and says I would like to be 1million times more clevererer this time there is a puff of blue smoke and the blonde turns into a man and walks across the bridge home



Offline diveej

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #437 on: June 27, 2006, 07:15:49 PM »
Yo moma so stupid she threw a grenade at me, i pulled the pin out, and threw it back
 

Offline Ted_Stryker

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #438 on: June 29, 2006, 03:46:19 PM »
Sent to me by an ex-USAF Recci F4 Driver....who had it sent to him... who...

anyway... ENJOY!!   ;D

This is a hoot!!!


Instrument Flying..

Most people wish to fly on the old gauges at one time or another but are prevented by the high cost of the instruments necessary for this form of flight. The following is a more or less known and extremely simple method which may be used by all.

Place a live cat on the cockpit floor, because a cat always remains upright, he or she can be used in lieu of a needle and ball instrument. Merely watch to see which way he leans to determine if a wing is low and if so, which one. This will enable you to your aircraft level in route with complete accuracy and confidence.

A duck is used for final instrument approach and landing, because of the fact that any sensible old duck will refuse to fly under instrument conditions, it is only necessary to hurl your duck out of the cockpit window and follow her to the ground.

There are some limitations on the cat and duck method, but by rigidly adhering to the following check list a degree of success will be achieved which will not only startle you, but will astonish your passengers as well, and may have an occasional tower operator with an open mouth.

Get a wide-awake cat, most cats do not want to stand up all the time, so it may be necessary to carry a fierce dog along to keep the cat at attention.

Make sure your cat is clean, dirty cats will spend all the time washing. Trying to follow a washing cat usually results in a slow roll followed by an inverted spin. You will see that this is most unprofessional.

Old cats are the best, young cats have nine lives, but an old used up cat with only one life left has just as much to loose and will be more dependable.

Avoid stray cats. Try to get one with good character because you may want to spend time with her.

Beware of cowardly ducks, if the duck discovers that you are using the cat to stay upright, she will refuse to leave the aeroplane without the cat. Ducks are no better on instruments than you are.

Get a duck with good eyes. Near sighted ducks sometimes fail to recognise that they are on the old gauges and will go flogging into the nearest hill. Very near sighted ducks will not realise that they have been thrown out and will descend to the ground in a sitting position. This is a most difficult manoeuvre to follow in an airplane.

Choose your duck carefully, it is easy to confuse ducks with geese. Many large birds look alike. While they are very competent instrument flyers, geese seldom want to go in the same direction that you do. If your duck seems to be taking a heading to Ireland or Sweden, you may be safe in assuming that someone has given you a goose.

By: Sqn Ldr G. E. Whitelam Int 3, HQ STC

 
We're going to have to come in pretty low! It's just one of those things you have to do... when you land! -- Ted Striker - Airplane!

Offline diveej

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #439 on: July 04, 2006, 03:22:21 PM »
1200 people attended the recent International Psychic Society
conference.

Moderator: "How many attendees believe in ghosts?"
(Over 80% of the hands were raised)

Moderator: "How many have actually seen a ghost?"
(58% of the hands were raised)

Moderator: "How many believe that a ghost can be solid?"
(23% of the hands were raised)

Moderator: "How many have ever physically touched a ghost?"
(3% of the hands were raised)

Moderator: "How many have ever had sex with a ghost?"
(After some pause one lonely hand at the back of the hall went up)

Moderator: "May I ask where you are from, sir?"
Attendee: "I am from Australia."

Moderator: "And you say you've had sex with a ghost?"

Attendee: "Oh sorry! I thought you said "goat."


Offline diveej

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #440 on: July 04, 2006, 03:22:47 PM »
There were three men who were lost in the forest. They were then
captured by cannibals. The cannibal king then told the prisoners
that they could live if they pass the trial. First step of the
trial is to go to the forest with the cannibals and get ten pieces
of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to
gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten
apples." The king then explains the trial to him. You have to shove
the fruits up your ass without any expression on your face or you'll
be eaten. The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced
out in pain, so he was killed and went to heaven.

The second one arrives and shows the king his ten fruits were berries.
When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that
this should be easy. 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... 7... 8... on the
ninth berry he burst out in laughter, therefore also was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked,
"Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?"

The second one replied, "I know, but I couldn't help it. I was doing
just great when all of a sudden that third guy showed up with all
those watermelons!"

Offline Plthijnx

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #441 on: July 05, 2006, 05:00:28 PM »
A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him.

He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.


As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.


The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door.

She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him.

"I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me toSunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.

Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline happylanding

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #442 on: July 07, 2006, 02:32:58 PM »
HOHOHO.........

A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow*** there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free."

The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you going?" the wife asks. "I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!"

 ;) ;) ;)
I give that landing a 9 . . . on the Richter scale.

Offline Zaffex

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #443 on: July 07, 2006, 06:33:49 PM »
Not to sound whiny or "easily offended", but could we lay off just a little on the jokes concening my faith? I'm just asking.
"You know you're a redneck pilot when you think avgas makes a good cologne."

Offline Frank N. O.

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #444 on: July 08, 2006, 01:20:15 PM »
I don't know if this would be considered humour but I'll post it anyway, and my comment to this is:
Even for danish standards that's really a casual uniform! :D

http://www.airliners.net/open.file/0171522/L/

Frank
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Offline Gulfstream Driver

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #445 on: July 08, 2006, 06:33:24 PM »
Looks like fireflyr!   :D :D
Behind every great man, there is a woman rolling her eyes. --Bruce Almighty

Offline Mike

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #446 on: July 08, 2006, 08:32:19 PM »
This one is for you, Plthijnx:
 ;)


An elderly couple, Ray and Jean, are "snowbirds" in Arizona. Ray had always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one
day, he buys them, and wears them home walking proudly.
 
He walks into the house and says to his wife, "Notice anything
different about me?"
 
Jean looks him over, "Nope."
 
Frustrated, Ray storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back
into the room completely naked except for the cowboy boots.
 
Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT
NOW?"
 
Jean looks up and says, "Ray, what's different? It's hanging down
today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again
tomorrow."
 
Furious, Ray yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE?
IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!"
 

To which Bessie replies, "Shoul'da bought a hat, Ray, Should of bought a
hat!!!!."


Dear IRS: Please cancel my subscription.

Offline happylanding

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #447 on: July 09, 2006, 09:52:05 PM »
You should have bought a hat! HAHAHA!  ;D ;D ;D


A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin resort way up the mountains. They had registered on Saturday and had not been seen for five days.

An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting concerned about the welfare of these newlyweds.

The old man decided to go and see if they were all right. He knocked on the door of the cabin and a weak voice from inside answered. The old man asked if they were OK.

"Yes, we're fine. We're living on the....fruits of love."

The old man replied, "I thought so ... would you mind not throwing the peelings out the window? They're choking my ducks!"

____________________________________________

And this one.....
it's quite explicit (so, if it's too much, I beg you pardon and take it down as soon as you tell me!), but I heard it yesterday and I could not pass it down to you since it's tooo toooo tooooo funny....

So.......what's the difference between women and washing powder?
..........None, they do it best at 90 degrees....
I give that landing a 9 . . . on the Richter scale.

fireflyr

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #448 on: July 11, 2006, 12:07:39 AM »
Looks like fireflyr! :D :D

ROFL!!!!!!!-------Eric, I'm gonna get you for that!!!!!!!!!!!!

Offline Gulfstream Driver

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #449 on: July 11, 2006, 04:08:33 AM »
Bring it on.  *insert squinting smiley*
Behind every great man, there is a woman rolling her eyes. --Bruce Almighty