Author Topic: Humor....I need Humor!  (Read 1384701 times)

Offline Plthijnx

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #390 on: June 12, 2006, 01:27:08 AM »
why thank you diveej, and just to break format a little bit in the humor thread, this is how much i appreciate your comment:

Fly Low

The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

fireflyr

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #391 on: June 12, 2006, 01:33:49 PM »
Now there's some hotdogs havng all the fun!!   You notice the guy looking at a chart while they are screaming along at low altitude? 

Offline diveej

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #392 on: June 12, 2006, 02:34:13 PM »
i have a question do u make up all those jokes or copy and paste from other sites and if it is other sites could u give me the adress

Offline Plthijnx

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #393 on: June 12, 2006, 05:00:31 PM »
i sort through the bad ones and post the good ones!
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline happylanding

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #394 on: June 12, 2006, 09:35:24 PM »
Even if it's summer....that's a good laugh  :)
 :) :) :) :) :) :)

Santa Claus, upon trudging out to his sleigh for his annual night freight trip around the world, was surprised to find a guy with a shotgun standing next to his rig. Santa asked him why he was there. The man replied, "I'm from the FAA, and this is an unscheduled 135 inspection. I'll ride right seat." Santa responded, "With all due respects, sir, I've been doing this flight for over 700 years -- but if you insist, well, let's go." As they both climbed into the sleigh, Santa noticed that the FAA inspector brought his shotgun along with him, placing it in his lap, with his finger on the trigger. Santa queried, "What's the shotgun for?" To which the FAA inspector grumbled, "You're going to lose two on takeoff..."


I give that landing a 9 . . . on the Richter scale.

Offline happylanding

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #395 on: June 12, 2006, 09:54:23 PM »
ever seen a blonde on a helicopter?

How does a blonde explain how her helicopter crashed?
She says it was getting cold, so she turned off the ceiling fan..............



I give that landing a 9 . . . on the Richter scale.

Offline Plthijnx

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #396 on: June 13, 2006, 02:25:48 AM »
The big game hunter, Fireflyr, walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his
hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one would
dispute that. Then he said that they could blindfold him and he would
recognize any animal's skin from its feel and, if he could locate the
bullet hole, he would even tell them what caliber the bullet was that
killed the animal. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if
they would put up the drinks. So the bet was on.
They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin.
After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear." Then he felt
the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle." He was right.
They brought him another skin from someone's car trunk. He took a bit
longer this time and then said, "Elk. Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle. He was right
again.
Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks.

Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind and went to sleep.

The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one huge black
eye. He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk
enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this
black eye?"
His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed, put
your hand down my panties, fiddled around a bit and then loudly yelled,
"Skunk... killed with an axe."
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline Plthijnx

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #397 on: June 13, 2006, 02:41:43 AM »
A lady, plthijnx's soon to be ex-wife, walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide.
The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need Cyanide?"
The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord, have mercy -- I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen!
Absolutely not, you can NOT have any Cyanide?"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, " Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

fireflyr

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #398 on: June 13, 2006, 03:09:23 AM »
NOOOOW YOU'VE DONE IT!!!!!!!!!! :o
My wife walked in, asked me who I was on the phone with and what did I mean when I said "she's heard worse than that" and being the honest forthright person that I am, I showed her your post------------------------Do you realize how fast I had to talk so as not to spend the night in the guest bedroom???? HMMMM?
I finally mollified her with assurances that plthijnx is just a good ole boy with a warped sense of humor and a snotlocker full of booze having a good time trying to get me in trouble---it's not my fault---I am an innocent bystander and I was just laughing so hard trying to make plthijnx feel good etc etc etc blah blah blah.
Pal, I gotta warn ya, this woman is 6 feet tall, 155 lbs of mean full blooded Italian who makes her living by cutting people with knives (so what if it's in the operating room--the potential is still there!)  :-\

Offline Plthijnx

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #399 on: June 13, 2006, 03:21:34 PM »
tell her it's alright, my dad was a general surgeon. (thank Gawd! b/c he had to put me back together a few times!)
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline Stef

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #400 on: June 13, 2006, 03:53:57 PM »
Yes, it is a dangerous business, hanging around here...  ;D

The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need Cyanide?"
The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.

This just reminded me of something that happened to me. Not a joke, this really happened!

When I was living in Japan, I had ant problem in my apartment, so I went off to the pharmacy to get some poison. My Japanese being not the best, I had to look up the word "ant" which is "ari" in Japanese. But somehow, until I got there, the word "ari" and "ani" got mixed up in my head, so I asked for something to kill "ani"... which is "older brother" in Japanese!!  ;D The pharmacist gave me a strange look and so I repeated my question.... Well, fortunately after one awkward minute he figured out what I meant and didn't call the police.  ::) Hehehe...

Offline Mike

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #401 on: June 13, 2006, 04:46:59 PM »
plus:

aren't I lucky??


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Offline Frank N. O.

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #402 on: June 13, 2006, 07:30:22 PM »
ROFL, rude but I can see the joke in it, and that's the main ingredient in humour!
That prescription was really funny (as a joke only of course).

Jim: I got the feeling you seriously were in trouble by that, is your wife really a tall italian lady?

Stef: LOL, good thing he considered you might've made a speech-error, smart thinking on his part  |:)\ And lucky for you! :D
Mike: Heck yes you're lucky! It's always the younger brothers that are the most sneaky, we learn from the best! :D

Frank
"When once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been, and there you will always long to return."
Leonardo da Vinci

Offline Mike

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #403 on: June 13, 2006, 10:03:03 PM »
A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event
hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no  shortage of
extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom
approached the  Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.
Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said,   "It
looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said,
"You know, you should lighten up a little.

  Relax and  enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this
the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking
everything so seriously!  I mean, no sex since 1955!
  She took   his hand and led him to a private room where she
proceeded to "relax"   him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest
and  said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his
matter-of-fact  voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

(Don't ya love military time?!)


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Offline Firegirl

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #404 on: June 13, 2006, 10:06:58 PM »
HIS DIARY AND HER DIARY:


1. HER DIARY
Tonight I thought he was acting weird.
We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink.
I was shopping with my friends all day long,
so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late,
but he made no comment.
Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere
quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent.
I asked him what was wrong; he said nothing.
I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.
He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry
On the way home I told him that I loved him,
he simply smiled & kept driving.
I can't explain his behavior.
I don't know why he didn't say I love you too.
When we got home I felt as if I had lost him,
as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore
He just sat there and watched T.V.
He seemed distant and absent.
Finally, I decided to go to bed.
About 10 minutes later he came to bed,
and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love,
but I still felt that he was distracted & his thoughts were somewhere else.
He fell asleep - I cried.
I don't know what to do.
I'm almost sure that
his thoughts are with someone else.
My life is a disaster.



2. HIS DIARY
I shot the worst round of golf in my life today,
but at least I got laid.

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet you could shoot beer out of you nose. --- Jack Handy