Author Topic: Humor....I need Humor!  (Read 1422200 times)

fireflyr

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #345 on: June 01, 2006, 08:41:03 PM »
Q: What's the difference between an Airbus A320-100 and a beaver?

A: 1,000 trees per hour.

TM

AHHHAAAAAAA!!!

Saw the video---impressive tree mower--- :( :-\

Offline happylanding

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #346 on: June 03, 2006, 10:23:30 PM »
.........."Folks, we have someone celebrating his 65th birthday today by taking his first flight." Round of applause follows........... "So on your way off the plane, be sure to stop by the cockpit and wish Capt. Jones a Happy Birthday"..................

Nite Nite Mates!  :)
I give that landing a 9 . . . on the Richter scale.

Offline SteepTurn

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #347 on: June 04, 2006, 11:46:04 AM »
A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job, and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."

The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave. The blonde yet again repeats "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The head stewardesses doesn't even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; the blode is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the copilot.

The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat. The copilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica."
for climbing --> pull ** for decending --> continue pulling

Offline SteepTurn

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #348 on: June 04, 2006, 11:48:06 AM »
Another one on blondes  ;D ;D ;D

An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her room.

"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here, "she cried," one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
for climbing --> pull ** for decending --> continue pulling

Offline SteepTurn

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #349 on: June 04, 2006, 11:50:50 AM »
Skydiving!!!!


Student in the classroom: "If our chute doesn't open, and the reserve doesn't open, how long do we have until we hit the ground?"

Instructor: "The rest of your life."
for climbing --> pull ** for decending --> continue pulling

Offline happylanding

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #350 on: June 05, 2006, 04:42:21 PM »
An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.

A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.

"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except the lawyers are still going around passing out business cards......."

I give that landing a 9 . . . on the Richter scale.

Offline SteepTurn

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #351 on: June 05, 2006, 04:57:17 PM »
An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.

A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.

"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except the lawyers are still going around passing out business cards......."



look at that!!!
Who is posting this joke???
Probably the only lawyer in this forum... at least the only female lawyer in here)
hahahaha
(hopefully she won't prosecute me for that ;) sigh ???
for climbing --> pull ** for decending --> continue pulling

Offline happylanding

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #352 on: June 05, 2006, 09:34:56 PM »
A Swiss flight has been cancelled and a single young female agent has been assigned to rebook all the passenger.
There is a crowd waiting, and a man passes by, in front of everybody. He is angry, incredibly angry and begins yelling, slapping his ticket on the counter. “I’ve to be on this flight. I do not give a damn, either you give me first class place or it has to be right now, immediately!”. The Swiss young agent, tries to calm him down, saying he has to stay in the line, waiting for his turn. Actually, there is no way she can have any positive reply. He begins shouting “I’ve no intention to stand in line! Do you have any idea who I am?”.
The agent catches her microphone and addresses publicly. “May I have your attention, please. We have a passenger here at the desk who doesn’t know who he is. If anyone could help with the identification, please join us”.
The crowd begins laughing hysterically, the man, angrier than before, glares at the agent and swears “Fuck you”. She smiles “I see, but I’m sorry, sir. Actually, you’ll have to stand in line for that too........”


 :) :) Nite nite, mates!
I give that landing a 9 . . . on the Richter scale.

Offline happylanding

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #353 on: June 06, 2006, 09:08:36 PM »
Q: Why are blondes jokes so short?
A: So brunettes can remember them.............................



poooooooooooor me!! good nite mates!  :) ;) :)
I give that landing a 9 . . . on the Richter scale.

Offline Frank N. O.

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #354 on: June 06, 2006, 09:57:43 PM »
The first of the two is a classic, no idea where it's from but I can imagine it was for real and what a great one :D

The second one I've never heard before in my life! ROFL great one! I don't mind though, I just looked myself in the mirror and saw just how many of my hairs are white now instead of dark brown, man I'm really "going grey" and there's still a month to even my 28th birthday! But I don't mind getting white hair, aka viking-blonde in these parts, I would've had a problem with loosing my hair like my dad started to at this age but my hairlines are as high as ever so no worries there.

Hmmm, I don't really have a joke handy atm, tough day with bad and short sleep, sorry. I'll go find some aviation joke links and find some good ones, and try to remember to not put any that's been here before.

Btw, thanks to all for the posted jokes, even if there's no reply off-hand, sometimes the real world gets in the way.

Frank
"When once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been, and there you will always long to return."
— Leonardo da Vinci

Offline Plthijnx

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #355 on: June 06, 2006, 11:37:34 PM »
A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!
Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.
We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall,
and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared
that said: You got Male.
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline Plthijnx

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #356 on: June 06, 2006, 11:39:32 PM »
April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through class. One day the teacher tried to catch April to see if she was paying attention. She called on her while she was napping.
"Tell me, April, who created the universe?" When April didn't stir Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pen and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good," and April fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our lord and savior," But April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very Good," And April fell back asleep.
Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had had their twenty third child?" And again Johnny jabbed her with the pen. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT FREAKING THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT IN YOU'RE EAR!"
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline Plthijnx

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #357 on: June 06, 2006, 11:51:33 PM »
Bubba and Billy Joe are walking down the street in Atlanta, and they see a sign on a store which reads, "Suits $5.00 each! Shirts $2.00 each! Trousers $2.50 each!" Bubba says to his pal, "Billy Joe, Look here! We could buy a whole gob of these, take'em back to Sand Mountain, sell 'em to our friends, and make a fortune. Just let me do the talkin' 'cause if they hear your accent, they might think we're ignorant, and not wanna sell that stuff to us. Now, I'll talk in a slow Georgia drawl so's they don't know we is from Alabama."
They go in and Bubba says with his best fake Georgia drawl, "I'll take 50 of them suits at $5.00 each, 100 of them there shirts at $2.00 each, 50 pairs of them there trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my pickup and..."
The owner of the shop interrupts, "Ya'll from South Alabama, ain't ya?" "Well... yeah," says a surprised Bubba... "How come you knowed that?" "Because this is a dry-cleaners..."
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline Plthijnx

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #358 on: June 07, 2006, 12:01:26 AM »
A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day, the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey died."
Kenny replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
Kenny said, "Okay then, just unload the donkey."
The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him"?
Kenny said, "I'm going to raffle him off."
"You can't raffle off a dead donkey!" the farmer says.
"Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead." Kenny said.
A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey"?
"I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00."
"Didn't anyone complain"? The farmer asked.
"Just the guy who won. So, I gave him his two dollars back."
Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of Enron.
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline Plthijnx

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #359 on: June 07, 2006, 12:06:11 AM »
A drunk and a preacher were driving up a mountainside in different vehicles.
The drunk was swerving from side to side; the preacher was driving straight and true. All of a sudden, the preacher lost control and drove off the edge of a cliff.
The drunk noticed the preacher going off the edge, so he stopped his car and went to see if he was all right.
He noticed the preacher was climbing up the hillside. He yelled down at the preacher, "Are you alright?" And the preacher replied, "Have no fear my son, I had the Lord riding with me."
The drunk then yelled back, "You had better let him ride with me next time,
cuz your gonna get him killed!"
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown