Author Topic: Humor....I need Humor!  (Read 1390122 times)

Offline Plthijnx

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #300 on: May 15, 2006, 02:02:30 PM »
Herman: Is that beautiful car yours?
Charlie: It is and it is not.
Herman: What do you mean?
Charlie: When it is for shopping, it is my wife's. When it is for a party, it is my son's. And when it needs gas, it is mine.
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline Stef

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #301 on: May 19, 2006, 07:14:12 PM »
A police officer pulled a guy over for speeding.

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: Who's car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner' card.

The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

Driver: No problem.

Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying son of a b**** told you I was speeding, too.

Offline Plthijnx

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #302 on: May 20, 2006, 03:43:59 AM »
ROFLMAO! GREAT one stef!!!
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline piet03

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #303 on: May 25, 2006, 03:57:29 PM »
An elderly clergy passed on and was waiting in line patiently outside the pearly gates. Another fellow shows up wearing a hawaiin flowery shirt sunglasses cut off jeans,A big fancy watch, sandles and a leather jacket with a pint of vodka in the pocket. Saint Peter saw the new arrival and ushered him to the front of the line. Witha minimum of red tape the new guy was admited to heaven. Hours later the clergy arrives at the front of the line. Just a little bit peeved, he tells Saint Peter."All my life I have been a God fearing man. Idedicated my life to church and congregation. How come I ,a man of the lord have had to wait for hours and that drunken bum was wisked right in?
  Saint Peter explaned "Revrend, Up here we go by results. When you were in the pulpit preaching, half your congregation slept, But when chuck was flying, His passengers did some serious praying."

Offline Mike

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #304 on: May 25, 2006, 09:31:14 PM »
HA HA !!!  :D
We should make this one into a strip, huh?!  ;)  ::)


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fireflyr

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #305 on: May 25, 2006, 11:53:28 PM »

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you
pass  by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
 
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
 
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.
 
Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only
be one passenger in your car?
 
Think of your answer before you continue reading.
 
 
This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job
application.
 
You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first.
 
Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back.
 
However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.
 
The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer.
 
He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him
take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams."
 
Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations.

Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."
 
HOWEVER...,
 
The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.
 
.......God, I just love happy endings!  |:)\


Offline madpilot44

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #306 on: May 26, 2006, 03:54:24 AM »
jeez fireflyr that last one was just great!! you should have seen my face going through it: first thoughtfull, then amazed at the guy's answer, the LMAO jaja :D

great one  |:)\
To most people, the sky is the limit. To those who love aviation, the sky is home.

Offline Skygal

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #307 on: May 26, 2006, 07:08:34 AM »
CASINO
  Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table.
 An attractive blonde from St John's arrived and bet twenty-thousand
 dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.

 She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
 completely nude.
 "With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled,
 "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
 As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed...
 "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers and then picked
 up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared
at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she
 roll?"
 The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

 MORAL - Not all Newfies are stupid and not all blondes are
 dumb................. but all men are men.

HAAAAAHAHA!!
I was looking back and saw this---------CDNpilot, not everyone knows what a "Newfie is---maybe only us Canadians!!!!  great one, I just wish I'd thought of that when I was younger (before wrinkles)

fireflyr

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #308 on: May 26, 2006, 01:05:35 PM »


 
Subject: A special birthday


A Special Birthday This Week  :)
 

       Can you believe it? Monica Lewinsky turned 31 this
       week. It seems like only yesterday she was crawling
       around the White House on her hands and knees.
 

       They grow up so fast.  :-\

Offline happylanding

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #309 on: May 26, 2006, 02:51:01 PM »
Male or female hormones?!?

In a current report, scientists suggest that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. To test the finding, 10 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100 per cent of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, refused to apologize when wrong and went all together to the loo..........


…It has been confirmed that beer actually contains small traces of MALE hormones NOT female hormones. To prove this theory, the scientists fed 100 women 12 pints of beer and observed that these women became obsessed with sex but fell asleep long before they could please their partners.
I give that landing a 9 . . . on the Richter scale.

Offline Turbomallard

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #310 on: May 26, 2006, 08:26:07 PM »
"Do not read this signature under penalty of law."

Offline Mike

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #311 on: May 26, 2006, 09:08:38 PM »
Subject: Sunday afternoon quickie 

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie
with their 8 year old son in the apartment was to send him out on
the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the
neighbourhood activities. He began his commentary as his parents put their
plan into operation:
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot", he
shouted. A few moments passed ... "An ambulance just drove by"
A few moments later, "Looks like the Anderson's have company", he called
out. "Matt's riding a new bike....."
A few moments later, 'Looks like the Sanders are
moving" "Jason is on his skate board...."

A few more moments, "The Coopers are having sex!!"

Startled, Mother and Dad shot up in bed!!! Dad
cautiously asked,
"How do you know they are having sex?"

"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a
Popsicle too."

 8)


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Offline Mike

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #312 on: May 26, 2006, 09:20:41 PM »
Chuck is that U?

http://www.ilstu.edu/~jlcunni/itm.mp3

TM

HA HA  :D

Now, where in the world do you guys find this stuff???

I think we now have a jingle for our TV show!!


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Offline Turbomallard

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #313 on: May 26, 2006, 11:44:41 PM »
Chuck is that U?

http://www.ilstu.edu/~jlcunni/itm.mp3

TM

HA HA  :D

Now, where in the world do you guys find this stuff???

I think we now have a jingle for our TV show!!

I used to have this on a 45 record (those of you who are too young to know what that is... look it up). It had something similar on the B side, as well. Do an online search for "Henhouse Five Plus Too" for more info.

And... is this Chuck testing his turbine Lancair with no tiedown and very small wheel chocks:

http://bellsouthpwp2.net/n/e/ne1h/Dontdothis.wmv

Funny, scary, and pitiful all at the same time... may I never do something so dumb (but you never know).

TM
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Offline happylanding

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #314 on: May 28, 2006, 09:00:07 AM »
Getting old..........

Getting  older has its drawbacks, but I guess there aren't too  many good
alternatives to getting older. Whenever you  see a gathering of seniors, it
is an even bet they are  talking about everything that is wrong with them.

You know, the usual, memory, urinary problems,  knees, eyesight, etc., etc.

Well, I am a senior  and I absolutely refuse to discuss these issues with
everyone else. If I have a problem, I find a solution.  It is not always the
solution that I like, but I handle  it the best way I know and I don't
discuss it with every  person I see on the street that is past 62. No
sir....

With this in mind, I bought myself a new  scooter. I wanted something that
was easy on gas and  could zip me to the store and about town. This seems to
meet my EVERY need. I love it!


      Remember:
      Senior  Citizens Are Valuable
      We  are more valuable than any of the younger  generations:
      We have silver in our hair.
      We have  gold in our teeth.
      We have stones in our kidneys.
      We have lead in our feet and ....
      We are loaded  with natural  gas.
I give that landing a 9 . . . on the Richter scale.