Author Topic: Humor....I need Humor!  (Read 1410640 times)

Offline Stef

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #15 on: November 15, 2005, 11:14:01 AM »
1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
2. The sport of choice for the maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is GOLF.

AMAZING CONCLUSION: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.  ;D

Offline Plthijnx

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #16 on: November 15, 2005, 05:03:38 PM »
good one Steph!

This is the transcription of the ACTUAL (edit by Plt: actual? mmmya. "oh i read it on the internet so it MUST be true!" this is still funny though!) radio conversation between the British and the Irish off the coast of Kerry, October 1998. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations >>10-10-98.

IRISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

BRITISH: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.

IRISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

BRITISH: This is the Captain of a British Navy Ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

IRISH: Negative. I say again, you will have to divert YOUR course.

BRITISH: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER HMS BRITIANNIA! THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE BRITISH ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. I SAY AGAIN !!!, THAT IS 15 DEGREES NORTH OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

IRISH: We are a lighthouse................Your Call.
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline Plthijnx

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #17 on: November 17, 2005, 08:20:09 PM »
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH, MY G-D!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline Plthijnx

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #18 on: November 17, 2005, 09:25:37 PM »
Three midgets are sitting in a bar.
The first midget says 'I have the smallest feet in the world.'
The second midget says 'I have the smallest hands in the world.'
The third midget says 'I have the smallest penis in the world.'
The bartender says 'I get tired of you guys braggin'. Go to Guinness and get it put in the books, and you can sit in here and brag all you want.
After about a week, the first midget comes running in the bar. 'Look bartender, I have a check and a trophy, and I am in the Guinness book for having the smallest feet in the world.'
The second midget comes running in and says 'Look bartender, I have a check and a trophy, and I am in the Guinness book for having the smallest hands in the world!'
The third midget comes running in and says 'Who in the hell is Plthijnx?!?!
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline Stef

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #19 on: November 17, 2005, 10:17:36 PM »
Hahahaha! So then you must also get a lot of these penis enlargement spam mails too, huh? I always wonder which of my ex girlfriends told on me...  ;D ;D

Offline Plthijnx

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #20 on: November 17, 2005, 10:19:15 PM »
haha! yeah, they don't work :-[

edit: the one that did work, when it arrived, was a magnifying glass and a rubber band!
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline Master Yoda

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #21 on: November 18, 2005, 06:16:46 PM »
haha! yeah, they don't work :-[

edit: the one that did work, when it arrived, was a magnifying glass and a rubber band!

And I'm sure you have the Visa bill and worn out measuring tape to prove it!   ;D

Ok, What's black and white and black and white and black and white?


A nun rolling down a hill.
Hey!  What's a mountain goat doing up in this cloud bank?

Offline Mike

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #22 on: November 21, 2005, 05:48:45 PM »

A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wife's birthday.

His wife told him "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for
me that goes from  zero to 200 in under 10 seconds".

The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She
opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday



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Offline Sleek-Jet

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #23 on: November 22, 2005, 07:12:22 AM »
A man comes rushing through the front door of the house..

"Honey, is there anything wrong?", asks the wife.

"No, in fact, I just found out I won the lottery.  Pack your bags", replies the husband.

"That is exciting, where are we going?", responds the wife.

The husband answers, "I don't care, just get out... " ;D
A pilot is a confused soul who talks about women when he's around airplanes, and airplanes when he's around women.

Offline Mike

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #24 on: November 23, 2005, 01:23:47 AM »
Camping with the Lone Ranger and Tonto:

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert.
After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and
says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says,
"Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. 
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in  Leo. 
Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. 
Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. 
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. 
What's it tell you,Tonto?"

Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabe,
you dumber  than buffalo shit.  Someone stole our tent!"




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Offline Mike

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #25 on: November 27, 2005, 10:23:13 PM »

Living Will

A man and his wife were  sitting in the living room and he said to her, "Just so you know,  I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and  fluids from a bottle.  If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
His wife got up, unplugged the TV  and threw out all of his beer.
 


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Offline Plthijnx

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #26 on: November 28, 2005, 04:06:26 PM »
A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat, 'I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' It worked! The headaches are all gone."

The husband replies, "Well, that's wonderful."

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't exactly been a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"

The husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife, and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later, jumps into bed, and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, "Wow! That was wonderful!"

The husband says, "Don't move! I'll be right back." He returns to the bathroom and then goes back to the bedroom, and round two is even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back into the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing in front of the mirror, saying, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife."

His funeral services will be held on Monday.
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline Ted_Stryker

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #27 on: November 29, 2005, 08:15:49 PM »
ATC: "Cessna 12345, What's your position?"

Cessna 12345: "I'm sitting down and facing front!"


-------------------------------


A guy sits down in an airport cafe after pulling his tiny Cessna 152 up to it's tie-down and securing it.  The airport has many other types of aircraft, including military, that pass through all the time.  As he is sipping his coffee in the crowded cafe, an attractive young woman asks if she can sit down at his table since all the others are taken.  Naturally, he is more than pleased to have her join him, and the following, also naturally, takes place....

Woman: "So, you're a pilot?  What kind of plane do you fly?"

Pilot:   "Well, do you know a lot about planes?"

Woman: "No, not really."

Pilot:  "Ah, well, you see that big military one out there on the ramp?"

Woman:  "Yes!  You fly that?", the woman says, impressed and smiling.

Pilot:  "Oh, no", says the pilot in a proud tone.  "That's a C-130.  I fly a C-152!"   ;D

We're going to have to come in pretty low!  It's just one of those things you have to do... when you land!  -- Ted Striker - Airplane!

Offline Mike

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #28 on: November 29, 2005, 08:23:07 PM »
Good one Ted!

I LOVE IT!!

Quote
Pilot:  "Oh, no", says the pilot in a proud tone.  "That's a C-130.  I fly a C-152!"

and then the woman says: Chuck, is that you?

HA HA

Who ever invented thos two jokes must have known Chuck!
(actually don't we all know him anyways, . . . there are many Chucks out there. . . wow deep!)


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Offline Ted_Stryker

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #29 on: November 29, 2005, 09:54:30 PM »
 ;D

I'll have to dig up some of my others....I used to have a million of 'em  :D


"I went to look up my family tree and two dogs were using it!" - Rodney Dangerfield
We're going to have to come in pretty low!  It's just one of those things you have to do... when you land!  -- Ted Striker - Airplane!