Humor....I need Humor!

[FlyboyGil]

George was out shopping at the mall when he met his friend Kevin outside the jewellers.   Kevin noticed that George had a small gift-wrapped box in his hand.

So what'd you just picked up, George?" Kevin asks.

Well, now that you've been asking, replies George, it's me and the missus' anniversary tomorrow. And when I asked her this morning what she wanted for our special day she said, Oh, I don't know dear, just give me something with a lot of diamonds.

"So what'd you get her?" Kevin asks.


George replied,  "I bought her a deck of cards."

[Stef]

A bear walks into a bar. The bartender asks him "What can I get for ya?" The bear says, " I'll take a ............... Beer." Bartender asks, "What's up with the pause?" The bear lifts up his arms to the bartenders face and says, " These old things?" "I've had'em for years!!!"




U2 guitarist The Edge walks into a bar and says to the bartender "I'll ......................................... have a pint of Guinness."

The bartender replies "What's with all the delay?"

[Stef]

A bum asks a man for $2.

The man asked, “Will you buy booze?”

The bum said “No.”

The man asked, “Will you gamble it away?”

The bum said, “No.”

Then the man asked, “Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn’t drink or gamble?”

[Stef]

Seems legit:

[Rooster Cruiser]

Same kind, I check it every day:
http://www.damnyouautocorrect.com/

Be careful though, I won't be held responsible for any dying of laughter

Damn near died of laughter once I read this one:

My Grandma is crazy she is trying to get me to go bunghole jumping with her lol

I'm still trying to pick myself up off the floor...   

[FlyboyGil]

Same kind, I check it every day:
http://www.damnyouautocorrect.com/

Be careful though, I won't be held responsible for any dying of laughter

Damn near died of laughter once I read this one:

My Grandma is crazy she is trying to get me to go bunghole jumping with her lol

I'm still trying to pick myself up off the floor...   

I couldn't stop laughing about the Doctor Hitler one!!!

[Stef]

These here are great... http://imgur.com/a/PqBbz

[Stef]

How do you find Will Smith after a snowstorm?

Just look for the fresh prints.

[Stef]

This one is for Oddball:

An Arab Sheik was admitted to St Vincent ’s Hospital for heart surgery. Prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood in case the need arose. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn’t be found locally, so, the call went out to all the states. Finally a Scottish pilot was located who had a similar blood type. The pilot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.

After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, Diamonds & US dollars. A couple of weeks later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Scottish pilot who was more than happy to donate his blood again. After the second surgery, the Arab sent the pilot a thank-you card & a jar of candies.

The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab this time did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated.

He phoned the Arab & asked him: “I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me a BMW, diamonds & money... But you only gave me a thank-you card & a jar of candies”.

To this the Arab replied: “Aye, but I now have Scottish blood in my veins”.

[Oddball]

Hey what are you trying to say?     

[FlyboyGil]

 

[Mike]

Retirement Dinner
   
A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.  A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.

However, he was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited: 'I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here.  I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister.   I was appalled.
   
As the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.'...
   
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late.  He immediately began to make the presentation and  gave his talk:
   
'I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived,' said the politician. 'In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.'




Moral :  Never,   Never,  Never Be Late!

[Stef]

An Irish boy goes to confess at church.

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose Woman."

The Priest asks, "Is that you, little Timmy Shaughnessy?" "Yes, Father, it is. "

"And, who was the woman you were with," asked the Priest. "

"I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Timmy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Patricia Kelly?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Sheilah O'Brien?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Kathleen Morgan?"

"My lips are sealed. "

"Was it Fiona Grogan, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The Priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast Lad, Timmy ...And, I admire that. But, you have sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend Church Mass for three months. Be off with you now. "

Timmy walks back to his pew. His Friend, Sean, slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Three month's vacation and five good leads."

[Oddball]

OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!   
 

An 85-year-old man was  requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as  part of his physical
exam.

The doctor gave  the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a  semen sample tomorrow.' 

The  next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and  gave him the jar,

which was as clean and empty  as on the  previous day.   

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's  like this -- first I tried

with my right hand, but  nothing.  Then I tried with my left hand, but still  nothing. 

'Then I asked my wife for help.  She  tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. 

She tried with her mouth,  first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still  nothing. 

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an

armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still  nothing..'

The doctor was shocked!

'You asked your  neighbor?'   

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get  the jar open.'

 

[Stef]

A lovely engaged catholic couple are driving on a country road together one day, when the car veers off the road and into a ravine. They both die upon impact. They reach the pearly gates together and when they see St. Peter they ask, "St. Peter, we are so SAD! We are Catholic and were engaged in life and now we're dead. Since this is Heaven, is there any way we can be married here?" St. Peter thinks and says, "You know, that's a good question. But you'll have to wait here while I check to make sure." So St. Peter enters the gates to find the answer. Well, he's gone for quite a while, and the couple get to talking. "You know, marriage in Heaven isn't like marriage on Earth. There IS not DEATH do us part. This is eternal and that's a hella long time." So after this very long absence, St. Peter returns. He says, "Got your answer and good news! Yes! You can be married in Heaven." So then the couple asks, "What if it doesn't work out? Can we get divorced?" St. Peter looks at them and says, "Are you KIDDING ME?!? You SAW how long it took me to find a PRIEST up here. Now you want me to try to find a LAWYER?!?"