Author Topic: Humor....I need Humor!  (Read 1384178 times)

Offline FlyboyGil

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2400 on: October 25, 2011, 12:09:33 AM »
How to build your own model helicopter:



Golden!!  ::rofl:: ::rofl::
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Offline Oddball

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2401 on: October 25, 2011, 03:52:34 PM »
Only thing missing is the model getting stuck to a body part  ;D
« Last Edit: October 29, 2011, 11:08:09 AM by Oddball »
"You can teach monkeys to fly better than that!"and "spring chicken to sh**e hawk in one easy lesson"

Offline Stef

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2402 on: October 29, 2011, 09:54:12 AM »
I wish I could tell a good chemistry joke...

but all the good ones argon.

Offline Franz

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2403 on: October 31, 2011, 07:48:30 AM »
Don't bother telling chemistry jokes. I did that once but no reaction

Offline Mike

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2404 on: November 01, 2011, 03:25:23 AM »
I bet I've got a joke you've never xenon here before.


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Offline Rooster Cruiser

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2405 on: November 01, 2011, 05:21:53 AM »
How come dracula didn't have children?

 Because he has a halloweenie   ::drinking::
"Me and Earl was haulin' chickens / On a flatbed outta Wiggins..."

Wolf Creek Pass, by CW McCall

Offline FlyboyGil

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2406 on: November 15, 2011, 10:38:10 PM »
A Chinese guy goes to a Jew to buy black bras, size 38. The Jew, known for his skills as a businessman, says that black bras are rare and that he is finding it very difficult to buy them from his suppliers. Therefore he has to charge £50.00 for them.

The Chinese guy buys 25.

He returns a few days later and this time orders fifty.

The Jew tells him that they have become even harder to get and charges him £60.00 each.

The Chinese guy returns a month later and buys the Jews remaining stock of 50, and this time for £75.00 each.

The Jew is somewhat puzzled by the large demand for black size 38 bras and asks the Chinese guy, "...please tell me - What do you do with all these black bras?"

The Chinese guy answers: "I cut them in half and sell them as skull caps to you Jews for £200.00 each."
IF YOU CAN'T SAY ANYTHING NICE, YOU'RE PROBABLY AT THE ICE CAPADES

Offline FlyboyGil

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2407 on: November 16, 2011, 01:14:48 AM »
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values.
Bill said, 'I did not sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'
Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'

___________________________________________


'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week.'

‘That is very fair, your honour,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'

___________________________________________

A doctor was examining a woman who had been rushed into the Emergency Room. He took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'

'Me neither, doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'

___________________________________________

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'

The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'

___________________________________________

Two Reasons why it is so hard To Solve a Redneck Murder:

1. The DNA all matches.

2. There are no dental records.

___________________________________________

    Moe:  'My wife got me to believe in religion.'

    Joe; 'Really?'

    Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'

    ______________________________________________________________________________________

    Ask about how her husband was. The women started by saying; while shopping for vacation clothes the other day, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.

    'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'

    'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'

    He is still in intensive care.

    ___________________________________________

    The graveside service just barely  finished, when there was a massive clap of  thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of  lightning, accompanied by even more thunder  rumbling in the distance...

    The little old  man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well,  she's there.'

             
             
IF YOU CAN'T SAY ANYTHING NICE, YOU'RE PROBABLY AT THE ICE CAPADES

Offline Oddball

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2408 on: November 22, 2011, 05:27:18 PM »
CHRISTMAS CAKE RECIPE.

Ingredients:

* 2 cups flour
* 1 stick butter
* 1 cup of water
* 1 tsp baking soda
* 1 cup of sugar
* 1 tsp salt
* 1 cup of brown sugar
* Lemon juice
* 4 large eggs
* Nuts
* 2 bottle wine
* 2 cups of dried fruit

Sample the wine to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the wine again. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point it's best to make sure the wine is still OK. Try another cup...
Just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 eggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

Pick the frigging fruit up off floor. Mix on the turner.. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the wine to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Check the wine. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or some fink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Finally, throw the bowl through the window. Finish the wine and wipe counter with the cat.
Go to Tesco and buy cake.

Bingle Jells!
"You can teach monkeys to fly better than that!"and "spring chicken to sh**e hawk in one easy lesson"

Offline FlyboyGil

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2409 on: November 22, 2011, 10:24:43 PM »
I'm passing this on because it worked for me today... Dr Oz on TV said that to reach inner peace we should always finish things we start, and we all could use more calm in our lives. I looked around my house to find things I'd started and hadn't finished, so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how fablus I feel rite now. Sned this to all who need inner piss. An telum u luvum. Wuv U gies !
IF YOU CAN'T SAY ANYTHING NICE, YOU'RE PROBABLY AT THE ICE CAPADES

Offline G-man

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2410 on: November 23, 2011, 02:28:51 AM »
Amazing Amish Christmas Lights
I know it's not the season yet, but these are amazing!
Scroll down to see the Amish Christmas lights.























You know very well that the Amish don't use electricity. Messing  with you people is so easy... ::rofl:: ::rofl::
Life may not be the party we hoped for---but while we're here--we might as well dance..........

Offline ViverGulia

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2411 on: November 25, 2011, 11:11:44 PM »
Here is a music joke, but every time I tell it it somehow turns into a sports joke but anyway...

An orchestra is performing in a bar. They are playing the whole Beethoven's 9th symphony. There is a long section near the end when the basses don't play, so the bass players decide to get a few drinks.  ::drinking::  Pretty soon, the conductor of the orchestra has a problem: it's the bottom of the 9th, and the basses are loaded.
Paratus deficere misere.

Offline Mike

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2412 on: November 28, 2011, 06:59:17 PM »
almost not funny, because it's true......
(and probably the reason why nobody has built a new aircraft in the States in ages)   




NOAH in 2011    


In the year 2011 , the Lord came unto Noah and said:
Once again the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.

Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing
along with a few good humans.

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying:
You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start
the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.


- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.
Noah! He roared, I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark ?
Forgive me, Lord, begged Noah, 'but things have changed.



I needed a building permit.

 
I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler  system.


My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard, and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.


Then, the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark 's move to the sea.
I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.


Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl.

I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!


When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They
argued that accommodations were too restrictive, and that it is cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.


Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.


I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.


Immigration is checking the status of most of the people who want to work.


The Trades Unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.


To make matters worse, they seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.


So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark.





Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a double rainbow stretched across the sky..

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, 'You mean you're not going to destroy the world?'



'No,' said the Lord.
The government beat me to it.


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Offline Kilrah

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2413 on: November 28, 2011, 07:08:40 PM »
Sad but very true... and I can tell you that's not only valid in the States :(

Offline Plthijnx

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2414 on: December 03, 2011, 10:35:03 PM »
I was at Wal-Mart buying a bag of Purina dog chow for my dog ,
in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
Why else would I be buying dog chow, RIGHT ???
So on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog,
I was starting the Purina Diet again, and that I probably shouldn't
because I ended up ...in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds
before I awakened in intensive care, with tubes coming out of most of my
orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet
and all you do is load your pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one
or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it
works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that
practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's butt and a car hit me.
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown