Author Topic: Humor....I need Humor!  (Read 1410633 times)

Offline G-man

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2370 on: July 16, 2011, 05:12:01 AM »
So...those who know me....know my significant other got a letter the other day......she insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, she is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday she received the following letter from the local Target.

Dear Ms. G-woman,

Over the past six months, your man has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your man, G-man are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9.September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11.October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13.October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but certainly not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.
Life may not be the party we hoped for---but while we're here--we might as well dance..........

Offline Mike

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2371 on: July 16, 2011, 03:37:51 PM »
the first one and the last one have "G-Man" written all over it!  ;)

the whole thing reminded me about the fires in San Diego where you guys told every waitress in every restaurant we went for dinner EVERY night that it was my birthday just to see what each restaurant did.....
(kinda funny now, but back then I really hated it)


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Offline G-man

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2372 on: July 16, 2011, 05:24:04 PM »
the first one and the last one have "G-Man" written all over it!  ;)

the whole thing reminded me about the fires in San Diego where you guys told every waitress in every restaurant we went for dinner EVERY night that it was my birthday just to see what each restaurant did.....
(kinda funny now, but back then I really hated it)

Ha....I remember that now.... Gotta have fun on contract. Me and Pat often go and "test ride" the bicycles in Walmart. We even bought some in Michigan a few years back, rode them around town and then returned them on the 30 no questions asked return policy....
Life may not be the party we hoped for---but while we're here--we might as well dance..........

Offline Stef

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2373 on: August 15, 2011, 10:18:20 AM »
Dear Hiring Manager,

Thank you  for your letter of March 1.  After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me a position in your department.

This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters.  With such a varied and promising field of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.

Despite your companies outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at this time.  Therefore, I will assume the position in your department this August.

I look forward to seeing you then.

Best of luck in rejecting future applicants.

Sincerely,
Interviewee

Offline chuckar101

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2374 on: August 15, 2011, 05:14:18 PM »
nice pic, looks like a p3.
WOW I did that!

Offline G-man

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2375 on: August 22, 2011, 02:07:25 PM »
The African Union today adopted a unilateral resolution to deploy army troops and care packages to England as looting and violence spread from London to other major cities. Spokesperson Charity Khumalo said “We can no longer stand by while these savages tear themselves apart.”

The AU, meeting today in an emergency session to discuss the on-going rioting in the UK, has declared that they will do “everything in their power to help bring civilisation to England”.

“It’s just so sad, you know?” said Khumalo, speaking from the organisation’s HQ in Addis Ababa. “Sitting here and watching them on TV while their society implodes. We cannot in good conscience remain idle and let it happen.”

The AU has announced a range of initiatives that Africans can get involved with to help alleviate the misery of the English.
“For instance, we have launched an ‘Adopt an English child’ programme,” Khumalo explained, showing journalists brochures featuring the faces of English kids. “If you donate a mere R50 a month, you can see to it that sweet little Johnny from Peckham receives a basic education, a pack of condoms and a pair of pimpin’ Nikes.”

Khumalo also said that the AU would be parachuting in dentists along with army troops as part of a ‘Feel better about yourselves, Brits!’ initiative.

“You can understand why they’re turning on each other,” the spokesperson told journalists. “You look in the mirror and you see teeth untouched by modern dentistry. It’s heart-breaking enough to make anyone put a brick through a Starbucks.”

The organization also plans to air-drop care packages on major UK cities.

“Vegetables, mainly,” Khumalo confirmed. “We’re sending them vegetables and toothpaste.”

The AU’s flagship event, however, will be a star-studded rock concert to be held in Johannesburg, with all proceeds going towards the establishment of mobile libraries around the UK. Artists ranging from Mafikizolo to Steve Hofmeyer have pledged to perform at the show.

“As a humanitarian, it’s the least I can do,” Hofmeyer said yesterday. “I look at those photos of the adorable little beasts knifing each other in fights over looted X-Boxes and I want to hug them and give them a nice hot cup of Milo.”

Meanwhile, the week’s events has seen terrified South Africans, Nigerians , Ugandans, Kenyans & Somali’s in London and Manchester packing their bags for home.

“This country is going to the dogs, dude,” said Werner du Preez, a gap-year student from Johannesburg. “I’ve been offered a nice little two-bed place in Hillbrow where I can feel safe again.”

The British Prime Minister, David Cameron, would neither confirm or deny that 5000 heavily armed AU Peace Keepers were right now en - route from Mogadishu to London by air to the UK, after decisively defeated the El – Shabab insurgents in recent days.
Life may not be the party we hoped for---but while we're here--we might as well dance..........

Offline Oddball

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2376 on: August 22, 2011, 03:16:51 PM »
 ::bow:: ::rofl::  Loved it G-Man  ;D
"You can teach monkeys to fly better than that!"and "spring chicken to sh**e hawk in one easy lesson"

Offline Rooster Cruiser

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2377 on: August 23, 2011, 06:29:06 PM »
Ouch!  Sad but very appropos.   ::)

RC
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Wolf Creek Pass, by CW McCall

Offline Stef

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2378 on: August 25, 2011, 10:27:52 AM »
Did you hear about Apple?

Apparently they're losing Jobs too.

Okay, here's another one:

Steve Jobs' text was meant to say "I reign as CEO of Apple." Curse you, auto correct!
« Last Edit: August 25, 2011, 12:17:15 PM by Stef »

Offline FlyboyGil

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2379 on: August 27, 2011, 12:24:24 AM »
A dying granny tells her granddaughter, "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the villa, the tractor and other equipment, the farmhouse and $22,398,750.78 in cash." The granddaughter, about to be rich, says, "Oh my granny, you are so generous. I didn't even know you had a farm. Where is it?"
With her last breath, her granny whispered, "Facebook.
IF YOU CAN'T SAY ANYTHING NICE, YOU'RE PROBABLY AT THE ICE CAPADES

Offline Stef

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2380 on: August 27, 2011, 11:53:56 AM »
An old man was eating in a dinner one night when 3 bikers walked in.

The first biker approached the old man, threw his cigarette into the old man's food, and took a seat at the counter.

Then, the second biker walked over to the old man, spit into his glass of milk, and took a seat at the counter.

Finally, the third biker knocked the old man's plate of food into his lap, and took a seat at the counter.

Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers commented to the waitress, "Not much of a man, is he?"

The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles."

Offline Rooster Cruiser

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2381 on: August 29, 2011, 03:18:13 AM »
Stef, please don't ever repeat that story again!  I don't want to be prosecuted by them damn bikers!   ::drinking::

RC
"Me and Earl was haulin' chickens / On a flatbed outta Wiggins..."

Wolf Creek Pass, by CW McCall

Offline Stef

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2382 on: September 03, 2011, 02:07:18 PM »
Don't worry, RC! My lips are sealed!

Now here come a couple of mediocre puns:

The first time I saw a dry-erase board I thought to myself "that's remarkable!"

Why is James Joyce so good at poker? Cause he is impossible to read.

My wife kicked me out so I've been living in a telephone box. I just wanted somewhere to call home.

Why do cigarette lighters float on water? Because it's lighter fluid.

Offline Turbomallard

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2383 on: September 04, 2011, 04:41:01 AM »
Chuck, is that you? (Caution-- language)


http://youtu.be/TzFtunP1ytc

http://youtu.be/8esS3h4hoAk

TM
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Offline Stef

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2384 on: September 06, 2011, 12:03:35 PM »
Ah... not bad! Too long to turn into a comic strip though!  ::)

(Gotta go look somewhere else to steal...)