Author Topic: Humor....I need Humor!  (Read 1408859 times)

Offline Rooster Cruiser

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2355 on: June 15, 2011, 06:22:44 PM »
A  BLONDE’S TRIP TO  ITALY

 

A young New York blonde woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean, but just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.

 

"You have so much to live for," said the man.  "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow.   I can stow you away on my ship.  I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

 

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy, the woman accepted.  That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small, but comfortable, compartment in the hold.  From that time on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn.  Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

 

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

 

"I have an arrangement with one of your sailors," she replied.  "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy."

 

"I see," said the captain.

 

Then her conscience got the best of her and she blurted out, "Plus, he's screwing me."

 

"He certainly is," replied the captain.  "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

 ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl::
"Me and Earl was haulin' chickens / On a flatbed outta Wiggins..."

Wolf Creek Pass, by CW McCall

Offline Plthijnx

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2356 on: June 16, 2011, 06:03:34 AM »
Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment.
This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by
using a Q & A format:


Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?

A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.


Q.. Where will the government get this money?

A. From taxpayers.


Q. So the government is giving me back my own
money?

A. Only a smidgen of it.


Q. What is the purpose of this payment?

A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a
high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.


Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?

A. Shut up.


Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.S. economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:



* If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka .


* If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.


* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India , Taiwan or China .



* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala ..



* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea .


* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .



* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go
to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.


Instead, keep the money in America by:


1) Spending it at yard sales, or

2) Going to ball games, or

3) Spending it on prostitutes, or

4) Beer or

5) Tattoos.


(These are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S.)
Conclusion:

Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you
met at a yard sale and drink beer all day!

No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline tundra_flier

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2357 on: June 16, 2011, 08:36:53 AM »
Or airplane parts, most of those are still made in the US.  Explains the price.   ::cowboy::
Or better yet, flight instruction.   ::wave::

Offline Rooster Cruiser

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2358 on: June 16, 2011, 08:41:07 AM »
Nix the Airplane Parts part.  As of June 1st, all Cessna Citation spare parts are being shipped from Toluca, Mexico.  I have no idea where they are being made, but the distribution point is now Toluca.  So even Cessna has outsourced its parts support!   ::banghead:: ::rambo::

RC
"Me and Earl was haulin' chickens / On a flatbed outta Wiggins..."

Wolf Creek Pass, by CW McCall

Offline Chopper Doc

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2359 on: June 25, 2011, 01:12:39 AM »
Channelling Henny Youngman:

My wife has been missing for over a week now, and police have told me to prepare for the worst.  So I went to the thrift store and got all her clothes back.

A poor old lady slipped and fell on some ice today.  At least I think she was poor: she only had $5 in her purse.

My neighbour was pounding on my door last night at 3:30am; can you believe it, 3:30am?   Lucky for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.

I was explaining to my wife about reincarnation, and how after death you come back as a different creature.  When she said she'd like to return as a cow, I replied, "You're obviously not listening to me."

My girlfriend thinks I'm a stalker.  OK, she's not really my girlfriend.  Yet.
"I keep a bottle of stimulants handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy."
  - WC Fields

Offline Stef

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2360 on: June 29, 2011, 09:59:44 AM »
So my wife came up to me and said, "Take off my shirt." So I took off her shirt. Then she said, "Take off my skirt." I took off her skirt. "Take off my shoes." I took off her shoes. "Now my hose, bra, and panties." I took them off. Then she looked at me and said, "I don't want to catch you wearing my things ever again."

Offline Stef

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2361 on: July 07, 2011, 09:46:40 AM »
Newton, Pascal, and Einstein are playing hide-and-go-seek in heaven.

Einstein closes his eyes and starts counting.

Pascal goes and hides behind a cloud.

Newton stays where he is, and draws a 1mx1m square on the floor around him.

Einstein finishes counting and turns around.

"Ah ha, Newton! I found you!"

"No you haven't, you've found one Newton over 1m2 . . . You found Pascal."

Offline Jupiter

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2362 on: July 07, 2011, 09:50:06 AM »
hahaha, brilliant!
Studying Aerospace Engineering since 2008
Designing, building and maintaining aircraft since 2008
Drummer since 1999
Balloon support crew since 2009
Built rockets between 2008-2010

Offline Mike

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2363 on: July 07, 2011, 05:29:11 PM »
....I don't get it..... ::thinking::


Dear IRS: Please cancel my subscription.

Offline Mike

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2364 on: July 07, 2011, 05:29:40 PM »
haha! just kidding! good one! ::rofl::


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Offline Stef

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2365 on: July 11, 2011, 07:50:29 AM »
An old drunk wandered into a Catholic Church in Ireland in a zig zag fashion and disappeared into the confession booth. The priest on duty watched and when he did not appear for a while thought OK he must want to confess and went into the adjoining booth. After 10 minutes of no sound or movement he knocked on the wall, a voice replied “No use knocking here mate there is no paper on this side either.”

Offline Stef

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2366 on: July 13, 2011, 10:49:05 AM »

Offline Mike

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2367 on: July 13, 2011, 05:36:54 PM »
This just happened to my on my flight home to LAS from ABQ.
The captain came on the PA after we arrived at the Gate early in Las Vegas and said:

Ladies and Gentlemen, I want you to go out and tell at least 3 people that Southwest Airlines got you to Las Vegas 23 minutes early.
Because I am sure if we were 23 minutes late you would tell everybody.


 ;D


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Offline Firegirl

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2368 on: July 14, 2011, 09:51:29 PM »
Two blondes were flying to Miami from Cleveland. Fifteen minutes into the flight, the captain announced "One of the engines has failed and the flight will be an hour longer. But don't worry we have three engines left".

Thirty minutes later, the captain announced "One more engine has failed and the flight will be two hours longer. But don't worry we have two engines left".

An hour later the capain announced "One more engine has failed and the flight will be three hours longer. But don't worry we have one engine left".

One blonde looked at the other the other blonde and said "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day"

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet you could shoot beer out of you nose.  --- Jack Handy

Offline TheSoccerMom

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2369 on: July 14, 2011, 10:45:56 PM »
HA HA HA, I LOVE that joke!   ::rofl::

It also reminds me of this -- why that pesky #1 engine keeps shutting down....


Don't make me come back there!!!!