Author Topic: Humor....I need Humor!  (Read 1384192 times)

Offline G-man

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2340 on: April 14, 2011, 09:21:27 PM »
Two Minnesota mechanical engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walks by and asks what they were doing. 'We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole,' said Sven, 'but we don't have a ladder. The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, 'Eighteen feet, six inches, and walked away. Ollie shook his head and laughed. 'Ain't that just like a woman! We ask for the height and she gives us the length!' Sven and Ollie are currently working for the United States Forest Service.
Life may not be the party we hoped for---but while we're here--we might as well dance..........

Offline Firegirl

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2341 on: April 23, 2011, 05:16:59 PM »
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no
lessons, nor prior experience.
She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into
motion.
It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to
slide from the saddle.
In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm
grip.
She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck , but she slides
down the horse's side anyway
The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.
 Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from
the horse and throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup; she is now
at the mercy of the horse's
pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.
As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away
from unconsciousness when to her great fortune.....
Frank, the Walmart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.


 And you thought all they did was say Hello.
 ;)
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet you could shoot beer out of you nose.  --- Jack Handy

Offline FlyboyGil

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2342 on: May 07, 2011, 09:37:26 PM »
You pick up a hitchhiker, a beautiful girl. Suddenly she faints inside your car and you take her to hospital.
Now that's stressful.

But at the hospital , they say she is pregnant & congratulate you that you're going to be a father.
You say that you are not the father, but the girl says you are.
This is getting very stressful

So then...... you request a DNA test to prove that you are not the father. After the tests are completed, the doctor says that you are infertile, and probably have been since birth.
You are extremely stressed but relieved...

On your way back home, you think about your 3 kids at home.
NOW THAT'S STRESS!!!!
IF YOU CAN'T SAY ANYTHING NICE, YOU'RE PROBABLY AT THE ICE CAPADES

Offline Busdriver

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2343 on: May 09, 2011, 08:00:00 AM »
If Eva had been chinese we still would live in paradise, she would have eaten the snake...

Offline FlyboyGil

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2344 on: May 12, 2011, 11:06:14 PM »
One day, while going to the shop, I passed by a retirement village.  On the front lawn were six old ladies, lying naked on the grass.

I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way.

On my return trip, I passed the same retirement village with the same six old ladies lying naked on the lawn.

This time my curiosity got the better of me and I went inside to talk to the retirement village Administrator, and asked her

Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn?

Yes,' she said, "aren't they darlings?  They're retired prostitutes - they're having a garage sale.
IF YOU CAN'T SAY ANYTHING NICE, YOU'RE PROBABLY AT THE ICE CAPADES

Offline G-man

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2345 on: May 14, 2011, 01:29:49 PM »
Life may not be the party we hoped for---but while we're here--we might as well dance..........

Offline Mike

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2346 on: May 19, 2011, 03:13:30 AM »
Awesome! I love it!


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Offline tundra_flier

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2347 on: May 24, 2011, 04:56:03 AM »
If Eva had been chinese we still would live in paradise, she would have eaten the snake...

Sorry, just made me think of this web comic  http://www.sandraandwoo.com/2008/12/18/0017-the-forbidden-fruit/

Offline Stef

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2348 on: May 24, 2011, 10:15:25 AM »
They sure throw big weddings for helicopter pilots over there in Britain!  ::bow::

And here's an image of a cute cat:


Offline Mike

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2349 on: May 26, 2011, 03:11:32 AM »
man! that's one fat cat!  :o

Hey, that reminds me of my first English lessons . . . . The cat is fat.  ::rofl::


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Offline Frank N. O.

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2350 on: May 26, 2011, 05:45:18 AM »
Wow I didn't even notice the cat that much at first, I just looked at the guy getting a big booboo (flat-screens aren't really that much lighter than CRT's so still not something you want to get hit in the head with). There's actually a cat that walks around that looks a fair bit like that one with the same daded white/yellow fur although it's not quite as far and mostly looks like it's got very thick fur, especially on it's very long tail.

Frank
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Offline Artoo

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2351 on: May 26, 2011, 05:37:50 PM »
Why is nothing plugged into the display?  Makes me suspicious of staging.
Stay on target!

Offline Mike

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2352 on: May 26, 2011, 07:21:59 PM »
in the old days, the TV's were thicker and the cats were thinner . . .  ;D


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Offline Frank N. O.

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2353 on: May 28, 2011, 04:14:03 AM »
Hmm now you mention it then it does look a little weird. Both the lack of cables and that, depending on how the cat moved it's head, then the cat's movements doesn't quite sync with the tv's leaning.

Frank
"When once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been, and there you will always long to return."
— Leonardo da Vinci

Offline G-man

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2354 on: June 08, 2011, 12:52:31 PM »
ATC Funnies

Tower Controller: “BA356, proceed to stand 69″
BA: “Yes, Sir, Nose in or Nose out?”

United cargo jet (with female pilot): “This is my secondary radio. Is my transmission still fuzzy?
Oakland ARTCC controller: “I don’t know. I’ve never seen it.” (Earned him two weeks on the beach)”

Pilot (after a long time in a holding pattern): Tower, could we get an EFC? (Translation: how much longer?)
Tower: Indefinite.
Pilot: I’m pretty sure we don’t have fuel for that.

Pilot: O’Hare Tower, Bonanza X, request landing. I can land on any runway and hold short of any other runway.
Tower (with an over-full load): Roger, we request you land at Chicago Executive and hold short of O’Hare.

Tower: Airliner X, it looks like you have a baggage door open.
Airliner: Thank you for the report, but that must be our APU door that’s open for cooling.
Tower: Airliner X, you have luggage falling out of your APU door.

Lost Student Pilot: Tower, Cessna X, Requesting help determining my location, I’m lost.
Tower: Can you fly over any identifiable man made objects like a highway or water tower?
Pilot: Affirmative, I just flew by a water tower, but all it said was “Class of ’09.”

Denver Tower: Gulfstream X, You’re cleared to 9,000 feet. For a vector to Hector, contact the sector director.

Tower: Airliner 757 vectored 310 at 145 knots behind traffic.
Pilot: Roger that, 310 at 145 to clean out the stall horn.

Approach: Airliner Heavy, report your airspeed for spacing.
Pilot: Approach, we’re really hauling ass.
Approach: Airliner Heavy, I couldn’t care less about your cargo, I need to know your airspeed.

Kids on a tour of the Tower: Have you ever had a real emergency?
Controller: There was that one time when we ran out of coffee.

Controller: Flight XYZ, can you climb to FL390?
XYZ: Standby (A few seconds pass)
XYZ: We can make it, but we’ll have to throw out a few passengers
Controller: That’s approved.
Life may not be the party we hoped for---but while we're here--we might as well dance..........