Author Topic: Humor....I need Humor!  (Read 1416964 times)

Offline cotejy

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2250 on: April 26, 2010, 08:17:45 PM »
Geek joke to start the week:


Offline G-man

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2251 on: April 26, 2010, 08:52:05 PM »
Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, the PRINCESS.

But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.

No matter what;

metal,

wood,

stone,

anything she touched would melt. Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.. The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?

He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king,

"If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured."

The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.

The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.

THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.

The first brought a sword of the finest steel.

But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly.

The second prince brought diamonds. He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted. He too was sent away disappointed.

The third prince approached. He told the princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there." The princess did as she was told, though she turned red.

She felt something hard.. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!!

The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.

And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.

Question: What was in the prince's pants?
(Scroll down for the answer)










M&M's of course.



They melt in your mouth, not in your hand. What were you thinking??  YOU PERVERT.
Life may not be the party we hoped for---but while we're here--we might as well dance..........

Offline cotejy

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2252 on: April 28, 2010, 03:28:17 PM »
Not really humor because it's a real story but certainly a funny "only in Canada" story...

François Gravel priest in Immaculée-Conception district (Trois-Rivière QC) celebrated mass last Sunday wearing this suit:




Offline Gulfstream Driver

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2253 on: April 29, 2010, 05:36:23 PM »
I like it...Too bad he's backing the wrong team!
Behind every great man, there is a woman rolling her eyes.  --Bruce Almighty

Offline Oddball

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2254 on: April 29, 2010, 05:41:39 PM »
For those of us on the other side of the "Pond" what team is that?
"You can teach monkeys to fly better than that!"and "spring chicken to sh**e hawk in one easy lesson"

Offline Fabo

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2255 on: April 29, 2010, 06:47:05 PM »
For those of us on the other side of Channel who know how to use Teh Interwebz ::bow:: , Montreal Canadiens ::wave::
"When once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been, and there you will always long to return."

Offline Oddball

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2256 on: April 29, 2010, 08:02:33 PM »
Ok so call me old fashioned and lazy  :D ;D
"You can teach monkeys to fly better than that!"and "spring chicken to sh**e hawk in one easy lesson"

Offline Plthijnx

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2257 on: May 17, 2010, 09:47:18 PM »
hey guys! been a while! here ya go!

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire engine with lights flashing and a wailing siren at full blast zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat next to the driver of the fire engine was a Dalmatian.
The children, never having seen a dog in a fire engine before, started to discuss what the dog might be for.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."
Several more ideas were put forward and an animated discussion soon ensued when a little girl who had sat quietly throughout the discussion and deep in thought finally brought the argument to a close...
"They use the dog," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline Plthijnx

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2258 on: May 17, 2010, 09:49:43 PM »
HAVE YOU EVER
BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD?

WELL...YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.
 
MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY
FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.
I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.
SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME
NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.
 
 
COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?
UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.
THIS BALDING, GREY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO
OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM
IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL .
 
'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.
 
'WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.
 
HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?'
 
'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED.
 
HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.
 
THEN, THAT
 
UGLY,
 
OLD,
 
BALD,
 
WRINKLED,
 
FAT ASS,
 
GREY-HAIRED,
 
DECREPIT,
 
SON-OF-A-BITCH ASKED ME :
 
 
'WHAT DID YOU TEACH?"
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline Plthijnx

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2259 on: May 17, 2010, 09:50:14 PM »
One afternoon, Harry Harrington walks into his supervisor's office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."
"We're short-handed, Harry," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."
"Thanks, boss," says Harry. "I knew I could count on you!"
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline Firegirl

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2260 on: May 18, 2010, 12:02:20 AM »
One day a long, long time ago, there was this pilot who, surprisingly, was not full of bullshit...

But it was just one pilot and it was a long, long time ago...

And it was just for that one day...


heh heh . . . it reminded me of Chuck  ::rofl::
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet you could shoot beer out of you nose.  --- Jack Handy

Offline Mike

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2261 on: May 18, 2010, 05:15:29 AM »
One day a long, long time ago, there was this pilot who, surprisingly, was not full of bullshit...

But it was just one pilot and it was a long, long time ago...

And it was just for that one day...


heh heh . . . it reminded me of Chuck  ::rofl::

HA HA!! this sounds like something Julio would say......  ;)


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Offline FlyboyGil

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2262 on: May 19, 2010, 11:58:05 PM »
A son asked his mother the following question: 'Mom, why are wedding dresses white?'

The mother looks at her son and replies: 'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure’

The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.  'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'

The father looks at his son in surprise and says: 'Son, all household appliances come in white.'

(They are still looking for dad!) 
IF YOU CAN'T SAY ANYTHING NICE, YOU'RE PROBABLY AT THE ICE CAPADES

Offline 4X-NTY

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2263 on: June 10, 2010, 11:06:23 PM »
A little thing I picked up from an Israeli aviators forum:
guy 1: "we pilots like everything twice-two seats,two engines,two sets of wings"
Guy 2 in reply: "just the opposite of the Migs in the Syrian airforce-one seat,one engine,one-time use"
Nitay "Pitz" Ronen

Offline FlyboyGil

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2264 on: June 13, 2010, 09:59:00 PM »
Have any of these been posted yet?

The difference between a duck and a co-pilot?
The duck can fly.


A check ride ought to be like a skirt.
Short enough to be interesting, but long enough to cover everything.


Speed is life.  Altitude is life insurance.


It only takes two things to fly:
Airspeed, and money.


The three most dangerous things in aviation:
1. A Doctor or Dentist in a Cessna.
2. Two captains in a DC-9.

The difference between flight attendants and jet engines:
The engines usually quit whining when they get to the gate.

If something hasn't broken on your helicopter -- it's about to.

Basic Flying Rules:
1. Try to stay in the middle of the air.
2. Do not go near the edges of it.
3. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly in the edges.

Unknown landing signal officer (LSO) to carrier pilot after his 6th unsuccessful landing attempt:
"You've got to land here son.  This is where the food is."



IF YOU CAN'T SAY ANYTHING NICE, YOU'RE PROBABLY AT THE ICE CAPADES