Author Topic: Humor....I need Humor!  (Read 1384184 times)

Offline G-man

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2085 on: April 15, 2009, 02:20:58 PM »
What do you call a helicopter pilot in a suit and tie?







Wait for it..And I can attest to this one.. ::whistle:: ::whistle::






" The defendant"..  ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::whistle:: ::whistle::
Life may not be the party we hoped for---but while we're here--we might as well dance..........

Offline Chopper Doc

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2086 on: April 24, 2009, 03:42:37 AM »
Nice, G-Man
"I keep a bottle of stimulants handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy."
  - WC Fields

Offline Stef

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2087 on: April 27, 2009, 10:25:49 AM »
Try this:

Go to Google, type in "find chuck norris" and hit "I'm feeling lucky"  ;D

Offline Oddball

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2088 on: April 27, 2009, 12:26:03 PM »
I had to go by a diffrent route to find that one Stef  ::rofl::
"You can teach monkeys to fly better than that!"and "spring chicken to sh**e hawk in one easy lesson"

Offline FlyboyGil

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2089 on: April 29, 2009, 10:30:54 PM »
 LIE  DETECTOR!
 John  was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual  gimmick.  His  wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to  change.
 One  day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases.
 It  was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

> It  was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy,
> their  11 year old son, returned home from school.
> Tommy  was over 2 hours late..
>   
> 'Where  have you been?
> Why  are you over 2 hours late getting home?' asked
> John.
>
> 'Several  of us went to the library to work on an extra
> credit project,' said
>  Tommy.
>   
> The  robot then walked around the table and slapped  Tommy,
>
> knocking  him completely out of his chair.
>   
> 'Son,'  said John,
> 'this  robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you
> really were after
> school..'
>   
> 'We  went to Bobby's house and watched a
> movie.' said Tommy.
>
> 'What  did you watch?' asked Marsha.
>   
> 'The  Ten Commandments.' answered Tommy.
>   
> The  robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped
> him,
> knocking  him off his chair once more.
>   
> With  his lip quivering, Tommy got up,
> sat  down and said, 'I am sorry I lied.
> We  really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'
>   
> 'I  am ashamed of you son,' said John.
> 'When  I was your age, I never lied to my parents.'
>
>   
> The  robot then walked around to John
> and  delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his
> chair.
>
> Marsha  doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and
> said,
> 'Boy,  did you ever ask for that one!
> You  can't be too mad at Tommy.
> After  all, he is your son!'
>   
> With  that the robot immediately walked around to  Marsha
> and  knocked her out of her chair, into the next room!


P.S. This is my 1300th post!!!  ::drinking:: ::drinking:: ::drinking::
IF YOU CAN'T SAY ANYTHING NICE, YOU'RE PROBABLY AT THE ICE CAPADES

Offline G-man

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2090 on: May 01, 2009, 05:09:33 PM »
MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE
 
NICKNAMES:
   • If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and  Sarah.
   • If Mike , Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT:
   • When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50.  None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
   • When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY:
   • A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
   • A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need, but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS:
   • A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a  towel ...
   • The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.  A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS:

   • A woman has the last word in any argument.
   • Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE:

   • A woman worries about the future, until she gets a husband.
   • A man never worries about the future, until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS:

   • A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
   • A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE:

   • A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
   • A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP:

   • A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
   • A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL:

   • Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
   • Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING:

   • Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
   • A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
Life may not be the party we hoped for---but while we're here--we might as well dance..........

Offline tundra_flier

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2091 on: May 01, 2009, 07:17:58 PM »
The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically.
This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK).

If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT!!! This virus will wipe out your private life entirely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.

Take two good friends to the nearest liquor store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is, sadly, controlling your life. Get help immediately.

Offline Fabo

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2092 on: May 02, 2009, 03:24:26 AM »
   • The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.  A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

And that includes items which name is written in plain language on the box :)

Tundra Flier:

I am doing this all weekend now. Not forgeting Bothersome Oppresionist Oldman Zoidberg's Eliminator (BOOZE)
"When once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been, and there you will always long to return."

Offline TheSoccerMom

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2093 on: May 03, 2009, 05:40:48 PM »
Speaking of BOOZE....

Even deer get thirsty.

 ;D

Don't make me come back there!!!!

Offline tundra_flier

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2094 on: May 04, 2009, 03:55:27 AM »
Speaking of BOOZE....

Even deer get thirsty.

 ;D



Is that considered Baiting, or just a clever blind?   ::cowboy::

Phil

Offline cotejy

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2095 on: May 04, 2009, 05:51:29 PM »
Euh! Am I the only one here surprise that "drive in liquor" exist? Such think exist somewhere!

You can actually order like a bottle of burbon directly to your car. You will get it directly through the driver window and you can continue your way.





Offline G-man

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2096 on: May 04, 2009, 06:23:09 PM »
Euh! Am I the only one here surprise that "drive in liquor" exist? Such think exist somewhere!

I'm guessing yes and yes.

They are a common sight in Louisiana---you can order drive through daiquiris. As long as it is a frozen drink with the lid on and a straw.

Louisiana Law States, (LSA 32:300---always best to carry a copy when drinking "smoothies" and driving down there ::whistle:: ::whistle:: ) : “Open alcoholic beverage container” means any bottle, can, or other receptacle that contains any amount of alcoholic beverage and to which any of the following is applicable: (i) It is open or has a broken seal. (ii) Its contents have been partially removed. “Open alcoholic beverage container” shall not mean any bottle, can, or other receptacle that contains any amount of frozen alcoholic beverage unless the lid is removed or a straw protrudes through the lid."

I know--I know--I am a welth of information..  ::drinking:: ::drinking:: ::whistle:: ::whistle::
« Last Edit: May 04, 2009, 06:24:49 PM by G-man »
Life may not be the party we hoped for---but while we're here--we might as well dance..........

Offline tundra_flier

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2097 on: May 04, 2009, 07:00:10 PM »
Euh! Am I the only one here surprise that "drive in liquor" exist? Such think exist somewhere!

You can actually order like a bottle of burbon directly to your car. You will get it directly through the driver window and you can continue your way.






How is this any worse than walking out of the store and getting back into your car?   ???

Phil

Offline cotejy

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2098 on: May 04, 2009, 09:59:37 PM »
Euh! Am I the only one here surprise that "drive in liquor" exist? Such think exist somewhere!

You can actually order like a bottle of burbon directly to your car. You will get it directly through the driver window and you can continue your way.

How is this any worse than walking out of the store and getting back into your car?   ???

Phil

It's completly different. I'm not comfortable with the concept of drive in in general but I'm just stunt with the drive in liquor concept. Do we really need this? I mean, isn't it just great to be in front of a bottle rack and choosing them. When I go in a liquor store, I always have a general idea of what I want and I choose them on the spot with my feeling of the moment. If I need a bottle of Whisky; what interesting experience to stand there and look at the bottles. I eventually end up choosing the same bottles each time but I give myself the choice to be tempted by something else. Or I add a small 2 onces bottle of a random thing to taste.

For me, drive in are for "I need to be feed and I don't have time to sit and enjoy my meal. Give me something quick so I can hit the road again and kill some miles between here and my destination. This is not an eating experience, it's more stuffing stuff in my stomac.

I won't stop at drive in for liquor the same way I wouldn't for sushi. It's a produce that deserve the respect of choosing it carefully. Looking at him in the eye when you choose, decide to experience new things,... Scotch, Whisky, Cognac,... these guys can't be delivered the same way a burger is. But that's me...


Offline BrianGMFS

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #2099 on: May 08, 2009, 12:16:17 AM »
Picture this... Interstate 93 Just south of Concord NH. The state run rest areas in both north and southbound lanes also have a state operated liquor store!!!!   ::loony::


Brian

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