Author Topic: Humor....I need Humor!  (Read 1410632 times)

Offline Callisto

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #225 on: March 29, 2006, 12:02:19 AM »
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad
attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth
was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying
only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to
"clean up" the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at
the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got
angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the
bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly
there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.  Fearing that
he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I
believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm
sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend
to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to
ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the
bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"


I figured this "foul" joke was perfect here!
« Last Edit: March 29, 2006, 12:03:50 AM by Callisto »
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Offline Plthijnx

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #226 on: March 29, 2006, 04:08:40 PM »

Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building. One turns to the other and says, "You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window."

The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.

The second man says, "What are you a nut? There's no way that could happen."

The first man responds, "No it's true. Let me prove it to you." So he gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.

The second guy tells him, "You know I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one-time fluke."

The first guy says, "No, I'll prove it again," and again he jumps and hurtles toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.

The second man thinks, "Well why not? It works, I'll try it." So he jumps over the balcony, plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors...and hits the sidewalk with a 'splat!'

Back upstairs the bartender turns to the other drinker and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real mean drunk."
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline Plthijnx

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #227 on: March 29, 2006, 05:56:42 PM »
This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint..it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:1 2 3 4


5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%



and


K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-@-$-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far a%% kissing will take you.

A-%-%-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will
get you there, it's the Bull@$it and A%% kissing that will put you over the top.
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline Frank N. O.

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #228 on: March 29, 2006, 06:37:40 PM »
ROFL Those two are awesome! I've never heard either of them before as well :D

Frank
"When once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been, and there you will always long to return."
Leonardo da Vinci

Offline Firegirl

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #229 on: March 29, 2006, 07:48:19 PM »
HA HA :D

Well, you just can't argue with math, can you?! ;)
It's science!
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet you could shoot beer out of you nose. --- Jack Handy

Offline Plthijnx

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #230 on: March 30, 2006, 04:47:44 PM »
Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. One of the students said to his friend: "I'm sure he has Petry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man.

They approached him and one of the students said to him: "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said: "I'll tell you, but first you'll tell me what you think."

One of the students said: "I think it's Petry Syndrome." The old man said: "You thought.......... but you are wrong."

Then the other student said: "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said: "You thought.......... but you are wrong. So they asked him: "Well, what do you have?" The old man said: "I thought it was GAS...........but I was wrong."
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline Plthijnx

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #231 on: March 31, 2006, 04:30:20 PM »
A young guy was complaining to his boss about the problems he was having with his stubborn girlfriend. "She gets me so angry sometimes I could hit her!" the young man exclaimed.

"Well, I'll tell you what I used to do with my wife" replied the boss. "Whenever she got out of hand, I'd take her pants down and spank her."

Shaking his head the young guy replied, "That doesn't work. Once I get her pants down, I'm not mad anymore."
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline Ted_Stryker

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #232 on: March 31, 2006, 06:09:14 PM »
I knew a guy that was a pilot in a bakery.... he'd take the bread from one corner and pile it in the other!

He got sick of the dough though, and decided to go on the loaf.  He had some crust!  Oh well... at least he would rise to the occassion now and then and be good with buttering people up.

 ::) ;D
We're going to have to come in pretty low! It's just one of those things you have to do... when you land! -- Ted Striker - Airplane!

fireflyr

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #233 on: March 31, 2006, 11:00:47 PM »
I knew a guy that was a pilot in a bakery.... he'd take the bread from one corner and pile it in the other!

He got sick of the dough though, and decided to go on the loaf. He had some crust! Oh well... at least he would rise to the occassion now and then and be good with buttering people up.

 ::) ;D
GROAN!!!!!!!

Ted, see if the staff will give you a 24 hour pass---or at least make a pass at your nurse! ;D ;D

Offline Ted_Stryker

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #234 on: March 31, 2006, 11:17:44 PM »
I knew a guy that was a pilot in a bakery.... he'd take the bread from one corner and pile it in the other!

He got sick of the dough though, and decided to go on the loaf. He had some crust! Oh well... at least he would rise to the occassion now and then and be good with buttering people up.

 ::) ;D
GROAN!!!!!!!

Ted, see if the staff will give you a 24 hour pass---or at least make a pass at your nurse! ;D ;D

Lt. Zip tried that... but Capt. Gennelli was too busy working on his escape tunnel.... and Hurowitz keeps scaring off the nurse with showtunes, otherwise I'd make that pass... and win just one, for the Zipper :)
We're going to have to come in pretty low! It's just one of those things you have to do... when you land! -- Ted Striker - Airplane!

fireflyr

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #235 on: April 01, 2006, 12:36:34 AM »
 ;D ;DHAAAAAHAHAAAHA
TOO MUCH, STRYKER!!!!!

fireflyr

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #236 on: April 04, 2006, 03:27:39 PM »
Mike,
While you're in Arkansas, find out if it's true that you are still siblings even if you get divorced. ???

Offline Stef

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #237 on: April 04, 2006, 03:59:29 PM »
Sure, if you're still brother and sister...  ;D

Offline Frank N. O.

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #238 on: April 05, 2006, 02:24:56 AM »
This one is a bit strange but I found it under aviation humour, I'm sure some have heard it before though.

Cancel IFR
Controller: "Cessna 266, descend and maintain 1,500, cleared for the approach, contact tower at the outer marker." Without realizing that his mike is still open he says, "Watch me kill this S.O.B."

Pilot: "CANCEL IFR! CANCEL IFR!"

-From Frank Ledgerwood in Talefeathers, the newsletter of EAA Chapter 268 in Marietta, GA.

Another Frank

P.S. I know what EAA is but is Chapter another word for region/local branch?
"When once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been, and there you will always long to return."
Leonardo da Vinci

Offline Mike

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #239 on: April 05, 2006, 04:49:56 AM »
Mike,
While you're in Arkansas, find out if it's true that you are still siblings even if you get divorced. ???

Good one, Jim!!
Have you been to Arkansas (pronounced here like "Ar-Kansas") before?

Turns out though that my PSD-manager (trainee) to-be is a very dear friend of mine, so I am actually looking forward to go now! (except the "dry county" part...) ;)


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