Author Topic: Humor....I need Humor!  (Read 1410590 times)

Offline Mike

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1965 on: October 15, 2008, 04:34:13 PM »
somebody sent this to me in an email....
....almost more sad than funny......


It said:  HALLOWEEN IS GOING TO SUCK THIS YEAR:


Dear IRS: Please cancel my subscription.

Offline Firegirl

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1966 on: October 16, 2008, 01:25:49 AM »

some kind of reminded me of Chuck....

REDNECK PICK-UP LINES:

> 1) Did you fart?
>  cuz you blew me away.
>
>  2) Are yer parents retarded?
>  cuz ya sure are special.
>
>  3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea
>  I can't hold it in.
>
>  4) Do you have a library card?
>       cuz I'd like to sign you out
>
>  5) Is there a mirror in yer pants?
>  cuz I can see myself in em.
>
> 6) If you was a tree & I was a Squirrel,
>       I'd store my nuts in yer hole.
>
> 7) You might not be the best lookin girl here,
>       but beauty's only a light switch away.
>
> 8) Man - 'Fat Penguin!'
> Woman - 'WHAT?'
> Man - 'I just wanted to say something that would break the ice.'
>
> 9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.
>
> 10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him?
> I think he went inta this cheap motel room...
>
> 11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
>
> 12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon.
>
>
> AND.. the best for last!
>
>  13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it, my nuts
tighten up.
>
>

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet you could shoot beer out of you nose.  --- Jack Handy

Offline Rooster Cruiser

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1967 on: October 16, 2008, 07:40:32 AM »
I prefer these two:

14)  Honey you look finer than a new set of snow tires.

15)  Well, ain't you cuter than two speckled puppies under a wagon!

 ;D ;D ;D
"Me and Earl was haulin' chickens / On a flatbed outta Wiggins..."

Wolf Creek Pass, by CW McCall

Offline cotejy

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1968 on: October 17, 2008, 12:51:46 PM »
ATC: 1
Pilot: 0
http://tac.tv/video.php?vid=771

Fighter Pilot: 1
DC 132 Pilot: 0
http://tac.tv/video.php?vid=921

Offline Rooster Cruiser

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1969 on: October 23, 2008, 05:11:15 AM »
Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year,



And every year Morris would say,



'Esther,I'd like to ride in that helicopter.'



Esther always replied,



'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks,



And fifty bucks is fifty bucks'



One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said,



'Esther, I'm 85 years old.



If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'



To this, Esther replied,



'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty
bucks.'



The pilot overheard the couple and said,



'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If
you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't
charge you a penny!



But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'



Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.



The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.



He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,



But still not a word.



When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said,



'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you
didn't.



I'm impressed!'



Morris replied,



'Well, to tell you the truth,



I almost said something when Esther fell out,



But you know,



fifty bucks is fifty bucks!'

 ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl::
"Me and Earl was haulin' chickens / On a flatbed outta Wiggins..."

Wolf Creek Pass, by CW McCall

Offline FlyboyGil

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1970 on: October 23, 2008, 09:49:27 PM »
TRUE THIS!!! (especially the last one!!)
« Last Edit: October 23, 2008, 11:09:23 PM by FlyboyGil »
IF YOU CAN'T SAY ANYTHING NICE, YOU'RE PROBABLY AT THE ICE CAPADES

Offline G-man

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1971 on: October 24, 2008, 03:43:55 AM »
Perils of a  Catholic Upbringing 

As I walked down the busy sidewalk, knowing I was late for Mass, my eye fell upon one of those unfortunate, homeless vagabonds that are found in every city these days.

Some people turned to stare. Others quickly looked away as if the sight would somehow contaminate them.

Recalling  my old pastor, Father Mike, who always admonished me to 'care for the sick, feed the hungry and clothe the naked,' I was moved by some powerful inner urge to reach out to this unfortunate person.

Wearing what can only be described as rags, carrying every worldly possession in two plastic bags, my heart was touched by this person's condition.

Yes, where some people saw only rags, I saw a true, hidden beauty.

A small voice inside my head called out, 'Reach out, reach out and touch this person!'












So, I did..




I wont be at mass this week.. ::whistle:: ::whistle::


Life may not be the party we hoped for---but while we're here--we might as well dance..........

Offline Firegirl

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1972 on: October 25, 2008, 07:51:33 PM »
has this already been posted before?
it's a classic:

 ;) ;D

Subject: Why men don't write advise columns

Dear Walter,

I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.

When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor girl. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbor girl is 22. We have been married for ten years.

 When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.

 Can you please help?

 Sincerely,  Sheila

******************************

  Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.

 Walter
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet you could shoot beer out of you nose.  --- Jack Handy

Offline Firegirl

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1973 on: October 26, 2008, 07:01:21 PM »
That must be some damn fine paint:

 ;)
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet you could shoot beer out of you nose.  --- Jack Handy

Offline Oddball

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1974 on: October 26, 2008, 09:37:40 PM »
 ::thinking:: I wonder if i can buy that paint on E-bay?
« Last Edit: November 03, 2008, 03:09:18 PM by Oddball »
"You can teach monkeys to fly better than that!"and "spring chicken to sh**e hawk in one easy lesson"

Offline G-man

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1975 on: November 01, 2008, 03:56:02 AM »
Life may not be the party we hoped for---but while we're here--we might as well dance..........

Offline Firegirl

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1976 on: November 01, 2008, 05:42:21 PM »
speaking of Blonde Jokes:


A Blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says 'Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident.'


The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing 'That's horrible!!! So many men dying that way!'

Confused, he says, 'Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved.'

After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, 'How many is a Brazilian?


 ::rofl::
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet you could shoot beer out of you nose.  --- Jack Handy

Offline Fabo

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1977 on: November 03, 2008, 11:04:16 PM »
Something worth confirmation of leiafee, I hope you guys dont mind I only put link:

http://www.jumbojoke.com/its_all_greek_to_us_1760.html?awt_l=CEOJV&awt_m=1aEkjtUfU7Onkr
"When once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been, and there you will always long to return."

Offline Rooster Cruiser

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1978 on: November 06, 2008, 09:44:56 AM »
This may have been posted before, but what the heck.  Worth a chuckle.   ;D


Rules of the Universe

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. Don't worry about what people think; they don't do it very often.

3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

6. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention! It never fails.)

7. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

8. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

9. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

10. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
 

11. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

12. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it. Embrace your differences.  Love each other.

13. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

14. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

 

15. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

16. Opportunities always look bigger after they have passed.

17. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

18. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

19. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

20. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

21. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

22. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.


23. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.

24. There is a very fine line between 'hobby' and 'mental illness.'

25. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

26. You should not confuse your career with your life.

27. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

28. Never lick a steak knife.

29. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

30. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

31. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

32. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

33. Your friends love you anyway.

34. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

35. How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?
"Me and Earl was haulin' chickens / On a flatbed outta Wiggins..."

Wolf Creek Pass, by CW McCall

Offline gibbo_335

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1979 on: November 07, 2008, 10:23:18 PM »
In a hurry to get some "action" shots and his request approved, the photographer used a cell phone to call the local airport
to charter a flight. He was told that due to the urgency, a twin engine plane would be ready and waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted the plane warming up outside a hangar.
He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted,
"Let's go".

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane down the runway and took off. 
Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot,
"Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides."

"Why?" asked the pilot.

"Because I'm the photographer for Fox Cable News," he responded.  "And I need to get some close up shots."

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered,
"So, what you're telling me is,  you're NOT my flight instructor"  :o
 
YEWWWwwwwwwwww