Author Topic: Humor....I need Humor!  (Read 1384139 times)

airtac

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1905 on: August 12, 2008, 02:56:12 AM »
To which I'd like to add #34---"aw hell. I can fly the box it came in" ::)

Offline TheSoccerMom

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1906 on: August 12, 2008, 04:53:40 AM »
To which I'd like to add #34---"aw hell. I can fly the box it came in" ::)

Uhh, Daddy Airtac, uh...  but that isn't FUNNY...  because, uhm, you...  CAN.

 :D                     :D                    :D                    :D
Don't make me come back there!!!!

Offline Rooster Cruiser

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1907 on: August 12, 2008, 10:43:10 PM »
Quickie In The Bushes
> >>
> >> There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and
> >> one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway
> >> for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky
> >> and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.
> >>
> >> The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a
> >> hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for
> >> thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.
> >>
> >> He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running
> >> behind the shrubbery.
> >>
> >> The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.
> >> After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.
> >> The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes
> >> left, would you care to do it again?'
> >> He asks her 'Shall we?'
> >>
> >> She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But
> >> let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you shit
> >> on its
> >> head.'
> >> ------------------------- AND JUST WHAT WERE YOU
> >> THINKING???--------------------------.
"Me and Earl was haulin' chickens / On a flatbed outta Wiggins..."

Wolf Creek Pass, by CW McCall

Offline Oddball

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1908 on: August 12, 2008, 11:12:27 PM »
well I dont know about the rest but I was thinking about the firing order of a Rolls Royce Merlin  ::whistle:: ::whistle::
"You can teach monkeys to fly better than that!"and "spring chicken to sh**e hawk in one easy lesson"

Offline cotejy

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1909 on: August 13, 2008, 09:17:17 PM »
35 ways to annoy people

1. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual service." 
2. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
3. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 18 inch paper, 54 copies. >:D
4. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
5. Name your dog "Dog."
6. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
7. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."
8. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."
9. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.
10. Practice making fax and modem noises.
11. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
12. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."
13. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy."
14. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
15. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
16. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.
17. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
18. Honk and wave to strangers.
19. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
20. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
21. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
22. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.
23. Ask people what gender they are.
24. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
25. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
26. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book.
27. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
28. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
29. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."
30. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."
31. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something
about "psychological profiles."
32. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
33. Make appointments for the 31st of September.
34. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
35. At work, call yourself on the speakers (don't change your voice).

--- Someone really done number 1 to me once. Trust me, I didn't went to the clerk to change it. The unpersonnal ATM machine got this one.

Offline Rooster Cruiser

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1910 on: August 14, 2008, 04:49:27 PM »
"I can't see the Resemblance..."
 ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl::
"Me and Earl was haulin' chickens / On a flatbed outta Wiggins..."

Wolf Creek Pass, by CW McCall

Offline FlyboyGil

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1911 on: August 17, 2008, 09:02:48 PM »







« Last Edit: August 17, 2008, 09:13:24 PM by FlyboyGil »
IF YOU CAN'T SAY ANYTHING NICE, YOU'RE PROBABLY AT THE ICE CAPADES

Offline FlyboyGil

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1912 on: August 18, 2008, 01:13:09 AM »
Make sure you read this sign before going into the BC interior
IF YOU CAN'T SAY ANYTHING NICE, YOU'RE PROBABLY AT THE ICE CAPADES

Offline Oddball

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1913 on: August 18, 2008, 08:37:28 AM »
So that confirms one of the oldest question in the world...............a bear does go to the potty in the woods  ::whistle::
"You can teach monkeys to fly better than that!"and "spring chicken to sh**e hawk in one easy lesson"

Offline Rooster Cruiser

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1914 on: August 19, 2008, 08:31:29 AM »
I saw this one over the weekend and I couldn't resist taking a pic of it!

Sorry about the size.  I don't have Microsoft Office so I don't know how to cut it down.
« Last Edit: August 19, 2008, 08:37:07 AM by Rooster Cruiser »
"Me and Earl was haulin' chickens / On a flatbed outta Wiggins..."

Wolf Creek Pass, by CW McCall

Offline FlyboyGil

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1915 on: August 21, 2008, 12:50:27 AM »
I saw this one over the weekend and I couldn't resist taking a pic of it!

Sorry about the size.  I don't have Microsoft Office so I don't know how to cut it down.

To go with one of Gibbo's jokes: "And then the fight started"  ;D ;D ;D
IF YOU CAN'T SAY ANYTHING NICE, YOU'RE PROBABLY AT THE ICE CAPADES

Offline Rooster Cruiser

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1916 on: August 21, 2008, 01:14:59 AM »
 >:D >:D >:D >:D >:D
"Me and Earl was haulin' chickens / On a flatbed outta Wiggins..."

Wolf Creek Pass, by CW McCall

Offline Mike

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1917 on: August 21, 2008, 04:44:37 AM »
35 ways to annoy people

32. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.


We did this one 4 years back with the Ely crew in a little cowboy town called "Picoche".
The local folk was not amused and we barely escaped a serious barfight

(It was "Heard it through the Grapevine" by CCR . . . the only non-country song in their jukebox machine)

PS: I guess you gotta watch out in bars where the juke box only plays country songs . . .  ;)


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Offline G-man

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1918 on: August 21, 2008, 08:27:34 PM »
A redneck family from the hills of Arkansas was visiting the city, and they were in the mall for the first time in their lives.  The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart, and then slide back together again. 
The boy asked, 'Paw, what's at? 
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I dunno.  I ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life.  I ain't got no idea'r what it is.'
While the boy and his father were watching wit h amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.  The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.  The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.  Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year-old blonde stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, Boy........go gitcha momma.'

Life may not be the party we hoped for---but while we're here--we might as well dance..........

Offline cotejy

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1919 on: August 22, 2008, 12:06:58 PM »
old one but...

Anyone know the difference between an electric toy train and a women breast?













There's none, both are intented to be used by kids but most of the time, daddy is the one playing with them.