Author Topic: Humor....I need Humor!  (Read 1383263 times)

Offline Rooster Cruiser

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1875 on: July 02, 2008, 04:33:19 PM »
Ya know, I could actually see my old African Grey Parrot saying stuff like that!  He had Chutzpah!
"Me and Earl was haulin' chickens / On a flatbed outta Wiggins..."

Wolf Creek Pass, by CW McCall

Offline Rooster Cruiser

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1876 on: July 03, 2008, 06:28:15 AM »
REASONS TO LIKE BEER BY 7 YEAR OLDS

A handful of 7 year old children were asked ' what they thought of beer.' Some interesting responses, but the last one is especially touching...

 ::drinking:: ::drinking:: ::drinking:: ::drinking:: ::drinking:: ::drinking:: ::drinking:: ::drinking:: ::drinking:: ::drinking::

7 year old Tim- ' I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mom gets.'

7 year old Melanie - ' Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice.

7 year old Grady - 'My Mom and Dad both like beer. My Mom gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn't think this is very funny.'

7 year old Toby - 'My Mom and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing.'

7 year old Sarah - 'My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn't have too much.

7 year old Lilly - ' My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances.. One time he danced right into the pool.'

7 year old Ethan - ' I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbeque and they taste disgusting.'

7 year old Shirley - ' I give Dad's beer to the dog and he goes to sleep.'

7 year old Jack - ' My Mom drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn't make any sense.'
"Me and Earl was haulin' chickens / On a flatbed outta Wiggins..."

Wolf Creek Pass, by CW McCall

Offline Mike

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1877 on: July 09, 2008, 12:37:29 AM »
this is an old classic but it cracks me up every time . . .   ::rofl:: ;D

 
> **The Brothel Parrot. . . ..**


> A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a
> large, beautiful
> parrot ..There was a sign on the cage that said
> $50.00..
>
> 'Why so little,' she asked the pet store owner.
>
> The owner looked at her and said, 'Look, I should
> tell you first that
> this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution
> and sometimes it says
> some pretty vulgar stuff.'
>
> The woman thought about this, but decided she had to
> have the bird any way.
>
> She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her
> living room and
> waited for it to say some thing.
>
> The bird looked around the room, then at her, and
> said,
> 'New house, new madam.'
>
> The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but
> then thought 'that's
> really not so bad.'
>
> When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school
> the bird saw and said,
> 'New house, new madam, new girls.'
>
> The girls and the woman were a bit offended, but
> then began to laugh
> about the situation, considering how and where the
> parrot had been raised.
>
> Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home
> from work.
>
> The bird looked at him and said,

>
> 'Hi Keith'
>


Dear IRS: Please cancel my subscription.

Offline Rooster Cruiser

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1878 on: July 09, 2008, 02:34:54 AM »
When Girls don't put out.

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for what I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing satisfaction from all of the excitement.  Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not getting any tonight either....but at least that b**** knows I'm smarter than her.   >:D >:D >:D >:D >:D >:D
"Me and Earl was haulin' chickens / On a flatbed outta Wiggins..."

Wolf Creek Pass, by CW McCall

Offline AirScorp

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1879 on: July 09, 2008, 08:42:09 AM »
this is an old classic but it cracks me up every time . . .   ::rofl:: ;D

 
> **The Brothel Parrot. . . ..**
.....
> Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home
> from work.
>
> The bird looked at him and said,

>
> 'Hi Keith'
>


Talk about a classic there Mikey! That one was one of my standards when I was in high school  ::rofl::
"'New house, new madam, new girls.... But Keith sure is a regular!!!!' was my puchline..

Now to find the ones with the octapus and the other one with the penguin-job! Pity both are theatrical to post even if I could remember them right  ::banghead::
It's all Greek to me!

Offline Rooster Cruiser

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1880 on: July 10, 2008, 02:38:23 AM »
Psychiatrists vs Bartenders

EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY
 BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM . . . 'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it.   I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'

 'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come
 talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of
those  fears.'

 'How much do you charge?'

 'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.

 'I'll sleep on it,' I said.

 Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you ever
 come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

 'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful
 lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10.  I was so happy to have
 saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'

 'Is that so?'with an attitude he asked, 'And how may I ask, did a
 bartender cure you?'

 'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there
now  ! ! ! '

FORGET THOSE SHRINKS. GO HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO YOUR BARTENDER!

 ::drinking:: ::drinking:: ::drinking:: ::drinking:: ::drinking:: ::drinking:: ::drinking:: ::drinking:: ::drinking:: ::drinking::
« Last Edit: July 10, 2008, 06:42:45 AM by Rooster Cruiser »
"Me and Earl was haulin' chickens / On a flatbed outta Wiggins..."

Wolf Creek Pass, by CW McCall

Offline Rooster Cruiser

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1881 on: July 14, 2008, 03:49:19 AM »
PAY RAISE

A Mexican house maid asked her American employer for a pay increase.

The wife was very upset about this and asked: "Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"

Maria: "Well Seņora, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you." Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?" Maria: "Your husband said so." Wife: "Oh. "

Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you." Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?" Maria: "Your husband did." Wife: "Oh."

Maria: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you." Wife (really furious now): "Did my husband say that?" Maria: "No Seņora, the gardener did."

SHE GOT THE RAISE

 ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl::
"Me and Earl was haulin' chickens / On a flatbed outta Wiggins..."

Wolf Creek Pass, by CW McCall

Offline Rooster Cruiser

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1882 on: July 14, 2008, 03:54:02 AM »
GUNSLINGER AND OLD PROSPECTOR

An old prospector walks his tired old mule into a western town one day He'd been out in the desert for  about six months without a drop of whiskey.

He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger wa l ked out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance. I just never wanted to."

A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said, "We ll , you old fool, you're gonna' dance now," and started shooting at the old man' s feet. The old prospector was hopping a round and everybody was laughing.

When the gunslinger fired his last bullet, he holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, and pulled both hammers back making a double clicking sound. The gunslinger heard the sound and everything got quiet. The crowd watched as the gunslinger slowly turned around looking down both barrels of the shotgun

The old man asked, "Did you ever French kiss a mule square in the ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No. But I've always wanted to."



The lessons from this story are:

1. Don't waste ammunition.

2. Don't mess with old people.

 ;D ::rambo:: ::rambo:: ;D
"Me and Earl was haulin' chickens / On a flatbed outta Wiggins..."

Wolf Creek Pass, by CW McCall

Offline Rooster Cruiser

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1883 on: July 15, 2008, 07:19:45 AM »
Don't mess with old people, Part 2

George P..., an elderly man, from Meridian ,
  Mississippi , was going up to bed, when his wife told him
  that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which
  she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the
  back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were
  people in the shed stealing things.
 
  He phoned the police, who asked 'Is someone in your
  house?' He said 'No.' Then they said 'All
  patrols were busy. You should lock your doors and an
  officer will be along when one is available.'
 
  George said, 'Okay.' He hung up the phone and
  counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.
 
  'Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because
  there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you
  don't have to worry about them now because I just shot
  them.' and he hung up.
 
 
  Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a
  Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance
  showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the
  burglars red-handed.
 
  One of the Policemen said to George, 'I thought
  you said that you'd shot them!'
 
  George said, 'I thought you said there was nobody
  available!'
 
  (True Story) I LOVE IT! Don't mess with old
  people.
"Me and Earl was haulin' chickens / On a flatbed outta Wiggins..."

Wolf Creek Pass, by CW McCall

Offline rtrhead71

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1884 on: July 15, 2008, 07:30:52 AM »
UPS Air Cargo

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS ' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.



P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
*
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
*
P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit
*
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
*
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minutedescent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
*
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
*
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
*
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
*
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
*
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
*
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search
*
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
*
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
*
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
*
And the best one for last
*
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like amidget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget. .
Blue side up?  Even over water???

Offline happylanding

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1885 on: July 21, 2008, 09:48:20 PM »
I really hope that the sense doesn't get lost in translation!!!! :-)

A family is sitting around the table, having dinner. Suddenly, the son asks his dad:
"Dad, how many different types of tits there are?"
The father, surprised from the question, replies:
"Well, son, there are three types. at 20 the tits of a woman are like watermelon: round and firm. at 30 or 40 they are like pears: still beautiful, but somehow...falling. after 50 they are like onions."
"Like onions?" asks the son.
"Oh, well, yes. you look at them and you start....crying."

The wife and daughter aren't exactly happy to hear that kind of reply and so the daughter asks:
"Mom, how many types of penis there are?".
The mother smiles and then replies:
"Well, dearie, there are three kind of penis. At 20 a penis is like an oak: hard and strong. At 30 its like a beech tree: flexible but reliable. thereafter, it's like a christmas tree.
"Like a Xmas tree, Mom?"
"Oh well, yes my dear. It's death from the root onward and the balls are only for decoration......".

 >:D >:D >:D >:D

I give that landing a 9 . . . on the Richter scale.

Offline FlyboyGil

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1886 on: July 21, 2008, 10:12:01 PM »
Ah Happy. We always love your dirty jokes  ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
IF YOU CAN'T SAY ANYTHING NICE, YOU'RE PROBABLY AT THE ICE CAPADES

Offline happylanding

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1887 on: July 21, 2008, 10:16:40 PM »
Ah Happy. We always love your dirty jokes  ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

Sadly they aren't written in quite often! I would have never imagined that working means no time at all to spend enjoying the coop! :-( :-(
I give that landing a 9 . . . on the Richter scale.

Offline FlyboyGil

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1888 on: July 21, 2008, 10:20:05 PM »
Ah Happy. We always love your dirty jokes  ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

Sadly they aren't written in quite often! I would have never imagined that working means no time at all to spend enjoying the coop! :-( :-(

Yeah work does get in the way alot :-( But how else can we afford to fly?  ;D ;D
IF YOU CAN'T SAY ANYTHING NICE, YOU'RE PROBABLY AT THE ICE CAPADES

Offline FlyboyGil

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1889 on: July 21, 2008, 10:20:59 PM »
This is what happens when a local restaurant sits across the street from a redneck bar  ::cowboy:: ::cowboy:: ::cowboy:: ::cowboy::

IF YOU CAN'T SAY ANYTHING NICE, YOU'RE PROBABLY AT THE ICE CAPADES