Author Topic: Humor....I need Humor!  (Read 1410739 times)

Offline Ted_Stryker

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #180 on: March 18, 2006, 12:06:09 AM »
BABY PLANES

A mother and her son were flying on Southwest Airlines. The son, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the stewardess. So, the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The boy said, "Yes, she did." "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you."

We're going to have to come in pretty low! It's just one of those things you have to do... when you land! -- Ted Striker - Airplane!

fireflyr

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #181 on: March 18, 2006, 01:16:06 AM »
"PULLS OUT IN TIME"  HAHAHA!!!!   Liked that Ted!!!!!

Mike, ya beat me cause I was remembering how my first "landlady" got a similar message and I immediatly contracted "AIDS" thus leading to my financial demise.   The thought of living in the parking lot at KOAK and showering in the pilots lounge took me on a sentimental journey.
If any of you young professional pilots out there are still single, look for a woman who makes great money and remember what my Grandpa used to say;   "Marry a woman with big hands, it makes your P****R look bigger"!

Jim

Offline Gulfstream Driver

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #182 on: March 18, 2006, 02:47:09 AM »
"Marry a woman with big hands, it makes your P****R look bigger"!

Wouldn't that be the other way around?
Behind every great man, there is a woman rolling her eyes. --Bruce Almighty

fireflyr

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #183 on: March 18, 2006, 05:08:33 AM »
OH GOD, -----I got it backward------I've had entirely mor than you thinkle peep I ought to---It's st Patty's day ---or something11
I hate when that happensh

SMALL HANDS---SMALL HANDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :'(

Offline Plthijnx

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #184 on: March 18, 2006, 08:54:50 PM »
Jim Jim Jim the posiblitishth to raeyll methsh wif yoush are unbeleivabel.....(still cellibrating st. patty's!)

Harry came into the office an hour late for the third time in a week. "What's the story this time, Harry?" his boss asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change."
Harry sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, boss.
The wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the draw bridge got stuck.
I swam across the river--see, my suit's still damp--ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Trump's helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes."
"You'll have to do better than that, Harry," said the boss. "No woman can get ready in ten minutes!"
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline Plthijnx

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #185 on: March 18, 2006, 08:55:45 PM »
Wally's wedding night At 85 years of age, Wally married Lou Anne, a lovely 25 year old.
Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their wedding she and Wally should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Wally, her 85 year old groom, ready for action.

They unite as one. All goes well, Wally takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Wally. Again he is ready for more "action".

Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Wally kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Wally is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more "action".

And, once again they enjoy each other.

But as Wally gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often.

I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Wally."

Wally, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says:
.........."You mean I was here already?"
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline Plthijnx

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #186 on: March 18, 2006, 08:57:00 PM »
It was a lively night in the revival tent, and Reverend Johnson was gripped with the power of the Spirit.

"I tell you all, the Lord is with us tonight! I can feel His power running through me! There's gonna be a healing tonight! Who needs healing?! Stand up, and tell the audience your name!"

A stooped old woman slowly struggled to her feet with the assistance of her crutches. "Reverend, my name is Mrs. Smith, and I have always had to use these crutches to walk."

"Well, sister, come on up here, and feel the healing power of the Lord!"

As she slowly made her way to the stage, a young man stood up. "Reverend, my name ith Mithter Joneth, and I have alwaith thpoken with a lithp."

"Well, Mr. Jones, come up to the stage and stand next to Mrs. Smith!"

"Now, Mrs. Smith," said the preacher, putting his hands on her head, "feel the *power* of the Lord!" The preacher quivered for a moment, then said, "Now, Mrs. Smith, go behind that screen and pray to the Lord, and you shall be healed!" Mrs. Smith painfully walked behind the screen with on her crutches.

"Mr. Jones, feel the power of the Lord," said the preacher, again placing his hands on the head of the subject. After quivering even more than the first time, he said, "Mister Jones, go behind that screen and pray with Mrs. Smith!"

There was a soft murmur from the crowd as the minutes slowly ticked by, the preacher alternately gazing up to the sky, wringing his hands, and pacing back and forth in a near frenzy. Finally, he spoke.

"Mrs. Smith! I want you to throw your left crutch over the screen!" The audience gasped as the left crutch sailed over the screen and clattered on the stage.

"Now, Mrs. Smith, I want you to throw your right crutch over the screen!" The audience cheered loudly as the right crutch came flying over the screen.

"Now, Mr. Jones, say something in a loud, clear voice so everyone can hear you!"

"MITTITH SMITH JUTH FELL ON HER ATH!"
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline Frank N. O.

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #187 on: March 18, 2006, 09:33:47 PM »
In case it hasn't been posted, and with the Top Gun conversation: "Ice Man The Later Years" (Val Kilmer was only in Top Gun due to contract obligations which might explain why he did this bit, he was also a host on SNL).

http://www.usafitz.com/SupportingPages/iceman.htm

Frank
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Offline Gulfstream Driver

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #188 on: March 18, 2006, 09:52:39 PM »
 :D  That was awesome!
Behind every great man, there is a woman rolling her eyes. --Bruce Almighty

Offline Mike

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #189 on: March 19, 2006, 02:58:11 AM »
Ohhh...my...god....!!!
How funny is that?!?!
I was rolling on the floor laughing!!! :D

but wait! isn't this in the wrong thread?


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Offline Callisto

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #190 on: March 19, 2006, 04:01:01 AM »
 ;D ;D ;D That was great! Awesome find!!!

It's funny to see celbs with a sense of humor about them selves.  Tom would never have done that... he seems pretty stuck up.
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fireflyr

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #191 on: March 20, 2006, 11:51:54 AM »
HAHAHA ;D ;D ;D

LMAO, Val Kilmer is funny!!   Love SNL!

Offline Ted_Stryker

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #192 on: March 20, 2006, 04:45:32 PM »
Love that SNL Clip!

Can you imagine Iceman and Capt. Oveur in the same cockpit!  ;D ;D ;D

We're going to have to come in pretty low! It's just one of those things you have to do... when you land! -- Ted Striker - Airplane!

Offline Plthijnx

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #193 on: March 20, 2006, 05:17:54 PM »
A man goes to the doctor for his yearly checkup. Doctor tells him he's sterile. Guy says, "But doc..you must be mistaken.. my wife is six months pregnant with my kid.. I can't be sterile."
Doctor says, "I have a friend that hunts. Every year, never fails. One day he goes out to hunt and he comes across a beaver's dam. He settles in and waits, and eventually, he spots the beaver coming out of the water. He goes to take aim, but realizes that instead of his gun, he had accidentally brought his umbrella. Frustrated at the beauty of the shot, but lack of ability to follow through, he pretends to take aim and shouts, 'BANG!'. And wouldn't you know it, the beaver falls over dead right there. Now how do you suppose that hapepned?"
The guy says, "Well, I'd have to say someone else shot that beaver."
Doc says, "My point exactly."
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline Plthijnx

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #194 on: March 20, 2006, 05:18:37 PM »
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over.

"So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown