Author Topic: Humor....I need Humor!  (Read 1384131 times)

Offline PiperGirl

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1575 on: February 07, 2008, 04:29:23 AM »
 ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: Nice Rc!
No guilt in life, no fear in death /This is the power of Christ in me /From life’s first cry to final breath /Jesus commands my destiny~ Newsboys "In Christ Alone"

Offline Rooster Cruiser

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1576 on: February 08, 2008, 09:51:27 PM »
UPS MAN


One Monday morning the UPS man is driving the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.
 
'Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last
night,' the UPS man comments.
 
Bob, in obvious pain, replies 'Actually we had it Saturday
night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild.'
 
'Hell, we all got so drunk around midnight that we started
playing WHO AM I.'
 
The UPS man thinks a moment and says, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'
 
'Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and with only our 'privates' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.'
 
The UPS man laughs and says, 'Damn, I'm sorry I missed that.'
 
'Probably a good thing you did,' Bob responded. 'Your name came up seven times.......'
"Me and Earl was haulin' chickens / On a flatbed outta Wiggins..."

Wolf Creek Pass, by CW McCall

airtac

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1577 on: February 11, 2008, 02:34:55 AM »
AND FOR MY CANUCK BROTHERS; ;D

Bless Her Little Newfie Heart

  Little Melissa comes from Chance Cove Newfoundland and attends third grade. After school she tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.

  "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint, I was wondering if I gave a Valentine to someone who was not, will God get mad at me for giving them a valentine?"

 Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a Valentine to?"

 "Osama Bin Laden," she says.

 "Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock.
 "Well," she says, "I thought that if a little Newfoundland Christian Girl could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit."And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell
everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

 Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new-found pride.  "Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

 "I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, our Canadian Soldiers can shoot the bastard"

 


Offline G-man

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1578 on: February 11, 2008, 03:10:30 AM »
A Fascinating Recent UCLA Study (The Girls Will Like This One)

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive, on a man, can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example: If she is ovulating, she tends to be more attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.

Life may not be the party we hoped for---but while we're here--we might as well dance..........

Offline G-man

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1579 on: February 13, 2008, 05:15:53 AM »
A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.
His buddy asks, "How will I recognize him?"
"That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment."

So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.
"A female horth."

So he shows him a prized filly.

"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"?
So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"?
So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

"Nith earzth, can I see her mouf"?
The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

"Nice mouf, can I thee her twat"?
Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.

"Perhapth I thould rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit"?
Life may not be the party we hoped for---but while we're here--we might as well dance..........

Offline G-man

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1580 on: February 13, 2008, 06:44:44 AM »
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. 
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig  )

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home. What the..?!

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)
   
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm......)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
( If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
( I know some people like that

Starfish have no brains)
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)

Life may not be the party we hoped for---but while we're here--we might as well dance..........

Offline AirScorp

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1581 on: February 13, 2008, 12:52:09 PM »
Yay!!!! The 30 minute pig orgasm joke! Thanks G, had never actually read it
It's all Greek to me!

Offline Rooster Cruiser

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1582 on: February 13, 2008, 02:17:00 PM »
<<<Left Handed.  Does this mean I should become a switch-hitter?   ::silly::
"Me and Earl was haulin' chickens / On a flatbed outta Wiggins..."

Wolf Creek Pass, by CW McCall

airtac

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1583 on: February 13, 2008, 03:27:49 PM »
<<<Left Handed.  Does this mean I should become a switch-hitter?   ::silly::

Not in the San Francisco sense of the phrase ::sick:: ---(rather be a pig!)  ::bow::

Offline Oddball

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1584 on: February 14, 2008, 08:35:57 AM »
so what happens if a mad scientist mated a pig and a lion with each other?  ::thinking::
"You can teach monkeys to fly better than that!"and "spring chicken to sh**e hawk in one easy lesson"

Offline Rooster Cruiser

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1585 on: February 14, 2008, 02:51:20 PM »
so what happens if a mad scientist mated a pig and a lion with each other?  ::thinking::

You'd get a left-handed porker that goes "Meow"?   ::thinking::
"Me and Earl was haulin' chickens / On a flatbed outta Wiggins..."

Wolf Creek Pass, by CW McCall

airtac

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1586 on: February 14, 2008, 04:47:34 PM »
so what happens if a mad scientist mated a pig and a lion with each other?  ::thinking::

Wouldn't work--can't have 50 thirty minute orgasms in a day---not enough hours---ask any post pubescent boy with carpel tunnel syndrome ::knockedout::

Offline Mike

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1587 on: February 14, 2008, 06:40:54 PM »

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. 
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)


It would be kind of a nice thing to see the research they did and how they found this one out!  ::rofl:: ;D



(WAIT! maybe not in our forum though . . . . on second thought)


Dear IRS: Please cancel my subscription.

Offline tundra_flier

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1588 on: February 15, 2008, 04:13:28 AM »
So how come the women that call me a Pig never want to have sex??  ???   ::knockedout::

Phil  ;D

airtac

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1589 on: February 15, 2008, 04:53:08 AM »
Can't answer that question Phil but it's good to see yer around--we've missed you and the Tundra Toy.............. ::wave::