Author Topic: Humor....I need Humor!  (Read 1410796 times)

Offline Rooster Cruiser

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1380 on: November 04, 2007, 04:20:06 AM »
The new "Survivor"
"Me and Earl was haulin' chickens / On a flatbed outta Wiggins..."

Wolf Creek Pass, by CW McCall

Offline Rooster Cruiser

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1381 on: November 04, 2007, 05:08:45 AM »
 >:D >:D >:D >:D >:D >:D >:D
"Me and Earl was haulin' chickens / On a flatbed outta Wiggins..."

Wolf Creek Pass, by CW McCall

Offline Rooster Cruiser

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1382 on: November 04, 2007, 05:12:30 AM »
Whipped Cream... ::eek::
"Me and Earl was haulin' chickens / On a flatbed outta Wiggins..."

Wolf Creek Pass, by CW McCall

Offline FlyboyGil

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« Reply #1383 on: November 04, 2007, 08:22:07 PM »
A spoof of the ol' who's on first  :) :)

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking  about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know.? What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO:? No. On the computer! I need something I can use to writeproposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?!
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my compute r?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START".............
IF YOU CAN'T SAY ANYTHING NICE, YOU'RE PROBABLY AT THE ICE CAPADES

Offline Fabo

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1384 on: November 04, 2007, 09:04:20 PM »
So true. Going to install Linux.  ::wave::
"When once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been, and there you will always long to return."

Offline gibbo_335

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1385 on: November 06, 2007, 11:55:58 PM »
Serenity  :D OR Senility  ???  ::)

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the
very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?"
"98," she replied.
"Two years older than me"
"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?

___________________________________________________________
 
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
"And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the
reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
 
___________________________________________________________

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter
eggs.
 ___________________________________________________________

I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought
prostate cancer and diabetes, I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.  Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends.

But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
___________________________________________________________
 
 
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my
doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an
hour.
But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
 
___________________________________________________________
 
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she
had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over K-Mart.
"K-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why K-Mart"?
"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week"
 
 ___________________________________________________________
 
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
 
___________________________________________________________
 
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
 
___________________________________________________________
 
 
It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.
___________________________________________________________
 
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says,
"For fast relief."
___________________________________________________________
 
THE SENILITY PRAYER:
___________________________________________________________
 
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, and
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell
the difference.
___________________________________________________________
 
Always Remember This:
You don't stop laughing because you grow old,  ;D
You grow old because you stop laughing.  ;D
  ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl::
YEWWWwwwwwwwww

Offline AirScorp

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1386 on: November 07, 2007, 02:06:26 PM »
A TV person walks into a little village where the most elderly people supposedly live, microphone in hand, camera crew behind him.

Walks to an elderly man and starts the interview:

-So Granpa, tell us, what is the secret of longevity?
-See, son, to live long you have to do what I did. Eat vegetables and fruit, no meat and live a carefree life
-And how old are you?
-105, son!

Then turns to another one sitting beside him:

-How about you, what did you do to live that long?
-Ohhh, the secret is to resist the temptations.. No sex but with my wife, and that done in an orderly fashion, no thrills, no smoking, no alchool whatsoever. Just open air in the fields and you'll live as long as me.
-And how old are you?
-119 sonny!
-Wow grandpa!

Then another elderly fellow walks in, bent over a cane, looks a total wreck from old age but still standing, hands shaking all over and starts to speak to the TV person with a trembly old-age voice..

-These guys give you sh*t, I'll tell you what to do! All my life I was doing all kinds of drugs, smoking, getting my hands on every stripper there was, drunk like a mule, smoked like a funnel, eated everything I liked, never slept a decent sleep, never worked a day in my life, never exersised! These guys just missed out!
-Wow, and you look like a Methuselah! How old are you exactly?

-Omhhhhhh, 25?
It's all Greek to me!

Offline Frank N. O.

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1387 on: November 09, 2007, 07:11:11 AM »
Oooooh, one heck of a set of jokes there, 25 years old LOL.

And here's another one from my big list of aviation jokes (I hope I haven't posted these yet).

And from the Northeast U.S.:
"Mornin’ center, ABC123 Heavy checking in at 12,000 and 250kts assigned."
"Roger ABC123 Heavy, cross DRESR at 9,000 reduce speed to 210kts."
"Cross DRESR at 9,000 slow to 210, ABC123 Heavy."
From unknown crew...
"Yeah, we have one of those [Cross Dresser] at our company too."

---
And now some aussie humour!
And from Sydney, Australia:
"Hold your push back QANTAS, you've got a Virgin with a tight slot behind you."

---
Ok, this one is great:
"Listen up, gentlemen, or something's gonna happen that none of us wants to see."
---
"You're gonna have to key the mic. I can't see you when you nod your head."

Frank
"When once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been, and there you will always long to return."
— Leonardo da Vinci

Offline PiperGirl

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1388 on: November 09, 2007, 02:36:12 PM »
WHO DOES WHAT


A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee"
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and beside s, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says .




"HEBREWS"
No guilt in life, no fear in death /This is the power of Christ in me /From life’s first cry to final breath /Jesus commands my destiny~ Newsboys "In Christ Alone"

Offline G-man

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1389 on: November 12, 2007, 09:59:35 PM »
What's going on in the car forums?

Bentley Forums
- - - I used the ash tray today. How do I replace it?

Camaro/Firebird Forums
- - - My girl slept with my brother and my wife. How can I kill 'em? btw, I have a record and I ain't going back.

Mustang (Chevelle) forums
- - -Some punk kid in a Civic tried to race me.

Monte Carlo forums
- - -Why do I keep getting pulled over, it ain't stolen yo.

Civic forums
- - -Some punk kid in a Mustang tried to race me.

VW Bug forum
- - - The Save the Earth concert was a success (pics)

Yugo Forum
- - - When's the last time yours ran?

Lamborghini forum
- - - Wind noise around 210MPH

Miata forums
- - - Some redneck jackass in a Chevy Tahoe just ran over my car (pics)

Chevy Tahoe forum
- - -Miata stuck in my undercarriage. How do I safely remove it? (pics)

Pontiac Fiero forum
- - - Just bought a new flame retardant suit (pics)

BMW 7-series forum
- - - Where to get service on my Rolex?

Cadillac forum
- - - Problems parallel parking at bingo.

Chevy Suburban Forum
- - - Is the price of gas going down anytime soon?

Buick Forum
- - - Is Medicare or Medicaid right for me?

Delorean forum
- - - Just got back from the future and blew a head gasket. Please help. I'm from 1985.

Crown Victoria forum
- - - How come people never pass me on the highway?

Honda Accord forum
- - - Mom is giving me the car. Looking for some cheap, used 18 inch rims.

Toyota Echo forum
- - - Do our cars use AAA or AA's?

Ferrari forums
- - - Need suggestions about a business trip to Colombia. Want to get in and out fast.

Porsche forums
- - - Tire just went flat. Is it best to trade or sell the car myself?

Saturn forums
- - - Roman candle landed on my fender. Melted and need to replace.

Jaguar forum
- - - Is the carbon fiber dash kit group-buy still on?

Mercedes forum
- - - My wife and her stink hole lawyer are trying to ruin me in divorce court. How do I get them both killed and not get in trouble with my medical board?

Mini forum
- - - Just flipped the Cooper after seeing The Italian Job. Suing the movie company. (pics)

Dodge Viper forum
- - - I frightened myself on the way home from work yesterday. How to get pee stains out of the leather?

McLaren F1 forum
- - -Some punk kid in a F16 tried to race me.

Dodge Minivan forum
- - - Where's the best place to post the soccer schedule so I don't forget where I'm supposed to be?

Hummer forum
- - - Had a fender bender today. 24 hurt, 10 killed. Do I have to get the black touch-up paint from the dealer? He's 25 miles away. That's $35 in gas.

Fiat forum
- - -Hello? Am I the only member?

Subaru WRX forum
- - - I hate cops. Got ticketed for drifting in the Walmart parking lot.

Chevy pickup forum
- - - How do I git the dried tobacco juice stains off the side of mah truck?

SRT Forums
"Will this void my warranty"

RX7 Forums
- - - 13B Groupbuy full, stop PM'ing me.

DSM Forums
- - -Transmission Groupbuy Full stop PM'ing me

Supra Forums
- - -Head to big to fit in car, should have bought a Targa.

Vette Forums
- - -Why did I pay $50k for something with a Cavalier steering wheel?

Ford 2.3 forums
- - -Help! Replaced everything, still doesn't start!


Life may not be the party we hoped for---but while we're here--we might as well dance..........

Offline gibbo_335

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1390 on: November 12, 2007, 10:15:51 PM »
 ::rofl:: ::rofl:: That made my day G-Man...LOVE IT!!!  ::rofl:: ::rofl::
YEWWWwwwwwwwww

airtac

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1391 on: November 13, 2007, 05:18:03 AM »
G-man, Ah don't git it---cept fer the Chevy pickup one--them tobacky stains come riat off with Dubya D 40 on a rag  ::knockedout::   Give my wife a coffee can to spit in an now I ain't got'em on the passenger no mores ::bow::

Offline Frank N. O.

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1392 on: November 13, 2007, 06:36:25 AM »
Great ones :D

And here's a aviator-one to continue the party with :D

Typhoon forum
- - -Some punk kid in a Bugatti Veyron tried to race me (video) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tYhd_N01fLg

Btw. is the Ford 2.3 the modern Mazda MZR-based PZEV unit or the old one used in the 80's in the Ford Sierra XR4I-based Merkur XR4Ti, Ford Mustang SVO and Ford Thunderbird Turbo?

Frank

P.S. Actually the engine used in the DeLorean DMC-12 was used by several car-brands in Europe (Renault, Volvo, Peugeot, Lancia, Venturi, Alpine) so a head gasket is so easy to find.
"When once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been, and there you will always long to return."
— Leonardo da Vinci

Offline PiperGirl

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1393 on: November 14, 2007, 01:18:06 AM »
G-man, Ah don't git it---cept fer the Chevy pickup one--them tobacky stains come riat off with Dubya D 40 on a rag  ::knockedout::   Give my wife a coffee can to spit in an now I ain't got'em on the passenger no mores ::bow::
::rofl::  ::rofl::  ::rofl::  ::rofl::  ::rofl::  ::rofl::  ::bow::
No guilt in life, no fear in death /This is the power of Christ in me /From life’s first cry to final breath /Jesus commands my destiny~ Newsboys "In Christ Alone"

Offline Franz

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1394 on: November 14, 2007, 12:59:13 PM »
What do toy trains and breast have in common?







Both supposed to be for little kids, but it's usually men who play with them.