Author Topic: Humor....I need Humor!  (Read 1403475 times)

Offline Mike

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1275 on: October 06, 2007, 10:08:58 PM »
WHERE'S THE GUY?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Waiting......    ::whistle::

 ::whistle::

 ::whistle::

He was there but probably got removed for being "partially risque"...It was borderline, although I really did not think it was that bad--Oh well....

If I offended...Sorry Mike  ::knockedout::

me? offended?
I thought you knew me better than that! ;D

I was just trying to keep it semi clean in here and make sure nobody else gets offended....

no worries everybody!


Dear IRS: Please cancel my subscription.

Offline catisfat

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1276 on: October 07, 2007, 04:32:12 PM »
hiya G- man
way too funny laundry chart  ::rofl::

Offline G-man

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1277 on: October 07, 2007, 05:06:33 PM »

me? offended?
I thought you knew me better than that! ;D

I was more apologising to those who were offended.... I have come a long way in the last few years....

I was just trying to keep it semi clean in here and make sure nobody else gets offended....
no worries everybody!

As for me......I will attempt to find a "cleaner" dancing guy---I'm guessing the famous Mr Bean one is out too?? Mike I'll send it to ya...

Life may not be the party we hoped for---but while we're here--we might as well dance..........

Offline catisfat

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1278 on: October 07, 2007, 05:20:58 PM »
looks like i missed the juicy stuff, dancing boys?
bloody hell, always a day late and a dollarr short

Offline G-man

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1279 on: October 07, 2007, 05:46:13 PM »
Life may not be the party we hoped for---but while we're here--we might as well dance..........

Offline catisfat

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1280 on: October 07, 2007, 06:12:43 PM »
G-man
I'd pay to see that

Offline Rooster Cruiser

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1281 on: October 07, 2007, 09:13:53 PM »
Religions of the World

"Me and Earl was haulin' chickens / On a flatbed outta Wiggins..."

Wolf Creek Pass, by CW McCall

Offline catisfat

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1282 on: October 07, 2007, 10:27:28 PM »
rooster, i am sure i am a card carring member of all of them
got some funny road signs I'd like to share

Offline Rooster Cruiser

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1283 on: October 08, 2007, 04:56:04 AM »
Here is one of my all time favorite billboards.  Send this off to PETA!  Hehe.   >:D ::rofl:: ::rambo::
"Me and Earl was haulin' chickens / On a flatbed outta Wiggins..."

Wolf Creek Pass, by CW McCall

Offline Rooster Cruiser

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1284 on: October 08, 2007, 05:12:24 AM »
Waterskiing in North Dakota
"Me and Earl was haulin' chickens / On a flatbed outta Wiggins..."

Wolf Creek Pass, by CW McCall

Offline Rooster Cruiser

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1285 on: October 08, 2007, 05:33:03 AM »
North Dakota sends Troops to Iraq
"Me and Earl was haulin' chickens / On a flatbed outta Wiggins..."

Wolf Creek Pass, by CW McCall

Offline G-man

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1286 on: October 08, 2007, 05:34:41 AM »
Cant remember if I posted this or not....  ::type::

Dear Miss Ann Landers,


I have just met a new woman in my life (we'll call her Wanda), and am trying to impress her as I think she may be the woman for me, however this may prove difficult and any advice you have would be truly appreciated. I am a 40 year old recovering alcoholic (although I am not doing too good right now), I have been married and divorced three times and have 5 children (two of them born out of wedlock). My sister is a prostitute in downtown San Francisco, and my brother is currently on death row in San Quentin for rape/murder. My father was killed in a drug deal that went bad and I have never met my mother who left when I was six months old to join a Kibbutz in Israel. I just filed bankruptcy after yet another woman had my wages garnished for a child I supposedly fathered in the late 80's, have lost my trailer-home to the bank, and I currently live in a homeless shelter.

My question to you is---should I tell Her that I am a helicopter pilot?

Yours sincerely

G-man
Life may not be the party we hoped for---but while we're here--we might as well dance..........

Offline G-man

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1287 on: October 08, 2007, 05:42:49 AM »
Here are the notes I give to my daughters "friends"...

Dad's Rules

Rule One- If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two- You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three- I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes to big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four- It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: early.

Rule Five- I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Six- As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge . Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like change the oil in my car?

Rule Seven- The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient tamperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Eight- Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Nine- Be afraid.. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi . When my retardant inhalation starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine
 
Rule Ten- I am a helicopter pilot, I have lots of pilot friends, Mike, Soccermom, Airtac, Gibbo, FlyboyGil, Rooster Cruiser, even Frank, to name a few, who fly all over the world. They range from police pilots, fire fighting pilots and news pilots---any one of us could be watching and tracking you at ANY time.
 
Enjoy your date
Life may not be the party we hoped for---but while we're here--we might as well dance..........

Offline Rooster Cruiser

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1288 on: October 08, 2007, 06:41:09 AM »
Right on, G-Man!  ::bow:: ::bow:: ::bow::  I'm gonna save a copy of this so when my daughter starts going on dates in 10 years or so, I'll present these rules to those boys.
"Me and Earl was haulin' chickens / On a flatbed outta Wiggins..."

Wolf Creek Pass, by CW McCall

Offline Frank N. O.

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1289 on: October 08, 2007, 08:57:48 AM »
 ::rofl:: those billboards were all really funny (although they do require asense of humour, but hey that's a good thing in life to have as I know we all agree on).
Really cool way to do waterskiing on too  8)

G-Man those two were great  ::rofl:: |:)\
That last one reminds me of one that Bill Engvall did in his stand-up: When my daughter's boyfriend comes over to pick her up, I'll step away with the lad and pull him close so only he and I can hear the conversation and then say: That there is my babygirl, she's my life, so if you have any ideas of hugging or kissing then remember this "I got no problems going back to jail!". ::rofl::

Frank
« Last Edit: October 08, 2007, 08:59:51 AM by Frank N. O. »
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