Author Topic: Humor....I need Humor!  (Read 1410039 times)

Offline G-man

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1095 on: August 04, 2007, 03:07:13 AM »
With apologies to the fairer sex........And I know I am going to hell for this one.....

17 Reasons why it is easier to live with a helicopter than a woman -

1)Helicopters usually kill you quickly - a woman takes her time.

2)Helicopters can be turned on by a flick of a switch.

3) Helicopters don't get mad if you do a "touch and go."

4)Helicopters don't object to a preflight inspection.

5)Helicopters come with manuals to explain their operation.

6)Helicopters have strict weight and balance limitations.

7)Helicopters can be flown any time of the month.

8)Helicopters don't come with in-laws.

9)Helicopters don't care about how many other helicopters you've flown before.

10)Helicopters and pilots both arrive at the same time.

11)Helicopters don't mind if you look at other helicopters.

12)Helicopters don't mind if you buy "helicopter" magazines.

13)Helicopters expect to be tied down.

14)Helicopters don't comment on your driving skills.

15)Helicopters don't whine unless something is really wrong.

16) A helicopters attitude is easier to adjust!!! 

17) However, when helicopters go quiet, just like women, it's usually not good.
Life may not be the party we hoped for---but while we're here--we might as well dance..........

Offline Rooster Cruiser

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1096 on: August 04, 2007, 05:46:04 AM »
GMan, the first time I read that, it was about Airplanes!
"Me and Earl was haulin' chickens / On a flatbed outta Wiggins..."

Wolf Creek Pass, by CW McCall

Offline PiperGirl

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1097 on: August 06, 2007, 03:08:47 PM »
The Dot

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with marriage or religion, but the Indian Embassy in Washington , D.C. Has recently revealed the true story...

 :) :) :)



When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop or a motel in the United States . If nothing is there, he must take a job in India answering telephones giving technical advice.

No guilt in life, no fear in death /This is the power of Christ in me /From life’s first cry to final breath /Jesus commands my destiny~ Newsboys "In Christ Alone"

Offline Rooster Cruiser

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1098 on: August 07, 2007, 03:02:54 AM »
LMFAO!!!   ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl::

GREAT ONE, PIPER GIRL!!!
"Me and Earl was haulin' chickens / On a flatbed outta Wiggins..."

Wolf Creek Pass, by CW McCall

Offline Rooster Cruiser

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1099 on: August 07, 2007, 04:52:53 PM »
Mujibar was trying to get a job in India The Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it you cannot qualify for this job." Mujibar said, "I am ready" The manager said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green." Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister manager, I am ready" The manager said, "Go ahead." Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green , and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"

Mujibar now works as a technician at a call center for computer problems. No doubt you have spoken to him. I know I have.   

::complaining: ::complaining: ::complaining:
::banghead:: ::banghead:: ::banghead::
"Me and Earl was haulin' chickens / On a flatbed outta Wiggins..."

Wolf Creek Pass, by CW McCall

Offline PiperGirl

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1100 on: August 07, 2007, 08:22:19 PM »
ROFL! So True So True ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl::
No guilt in life, no fear in death /This is the power of Christ in me /From life’s first cry to final breath /Jesus commands my destiny~ Newsboys "In Christ Alone"

Offline cj5_pilot

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1101 on: August 09, 2007, 06:40:03 AM »
Heh...Ok in THAT vein:

An older gentleman who'd lost his wife years before decides it's time for some female companionship.  He goes to the local red light district and contracts a lady of negotiable affection.  They go to his apartment and start to get down to cases.  After stripping and making sure he's "protected", he starts stuffing cotton in his ears and his nostrils.  Stunned, the young lass asks just what in the world he thinks he's doing.  The gentleman answered:  "There are two things in this world I can't stand, the sound of screaming women and the smell of burning rubber!"

The average pilot, despite the sometimes swaggering exterior, is very much capable of such feelings as love, affection, intimacy and caring. These feelings just don't involve anyone else.

Offline Mike

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1102 on: August 09, 2007, 11:54:23 PM »
>
My wife and I are watching
"Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while
we are in bed.
 
I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
 
"No." She answered.
 
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
 
Yes." She replied.
 
Then I said, " I'd like to phone a friend."
 
 
That's the last thing I remember.




Dear IRS: Please cancel my subscription.

Offline gibbo_335

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1103 on: August 10, 2007, 01:32:36 AM »
 ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: HA HA Mike... I LIKE IT!!!!  ;D
YEWWWwwwwwwwww

Offline Frank N. O.

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1104 on: August 10, 2007, 11:44:59 AM »
Ok here's a joke also suited for younger viewers (as long as they knew ST:TOS that is)
From www.avweb.com

Quote
Overhead during a rather quiet evening on Minneapolis Center.

Unknown aircraft: Minneapolis Center. Still there?

Minneapolis Center: Engineering to Bridge. Aye, Captain. Tricorder readings indicate carbon-based units still infest the planet.

Frank
"When once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been, and there you will always long to return."
— Leonardo da Vinci

Offline Turbomallard

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1105 on: August 12, 2007, 10:41:14 PM »
"Do not read this signature under penalty of law."

Offline Rooster Cruiser

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I like #18!
« Reply #1106 on: August 13, 2007, 01:01:24 AM »
1. A day without sunshine is like night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last thinks the slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future.  Laziness pays off now.
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the heck happened?"
22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates; it's more like a jar of jalapenos.  What you do today, might burn your rear tomorrow
"Me and Earl was haulin' chickens / On a flatbed outta Wiggins..."

Wolf Creek Pass, by CW McCall

Offline PiperGirl

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1107 on: August 14, 2007, 01:42:46 AM »
A Year in the Life of a Blond ;D
January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels....."duh".....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!

March - Got excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"  ::thinking::

April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!!

May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August - Got locked out of car in rain storm.....car swamped, because top was down.

September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???

October - Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!

December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the phone!!!

What a year!!
No guilt in life, no fear in death /This is the power of Christ in me /From life’s first cry to final breath /Jesus commands my destiny~ Newsboys "In Christ Alone"

Offline PiperGirl

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1108 on: August 14, 2007, 02:00:42 AM »
Once there were 3 people in an airplane, one took a bite out of
an apple. She thought it was too sweet so she threw it out of
the plane. The second person took a bite out of a lemon and she
thought it was too sour so, she threw it out of the plane. Then
the last person took a bite out of a grenade and he thought it
was too crunchy so, he threw it out of the plane. Then they
landed and decided to go for a walk. They first passed a little
girl who was crying and they asked, "little girl, little girl,
why are you crying?" and the little girl said, "an apple came
down and killed my new kitty". Next they passed a little boy
who was also crying. And they again asked, "little boy, little boy,
why are you crying?" and the little boy said, "a lemon came
down and killed my new puppy." Then they passed a blonde sitting on
the side walk laughing her butt off. They asked, "why are you
laughing so hard?" and the blonde said, "I farted and the
building behind me blew up!!"
No guilt in life, no fear in death /This is the power of Christ in me /From life’s first cry to final breath /Jesus commands my destiny~ Newsboys "In Christ Alone"

Offline gibbo_335

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1109 on: August 14, 2007, 02:58:52 AM »
An older, white haired man walked into a jewellery
store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.

He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought
another ring over. 

"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000" the jeweller said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the
old man stated,
"By cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque
is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify
the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, the jeweller phoned the old man.

"There's no money in that account."

"I know,"   said the old man, "But let me tell you about my weekend!"  ;D ;D
YEWWWwwwwwwwww