Author Topic: Humor....I need Humor!  (Read 1410134 times)

airtac

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #960 on: April 21, 2007, 02:35:38 PM »
The dog/cat diary had my wife rolling on the floor ::rofl:: PRICELESS!!

The Beer Scooter had ME doing the same ::rofl::   in a "been there, done that" --<insert REALLY embarrassed smilley>--

Offline FlyboyGil

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #961 on: April 21, 2007, 08:03:13 PM »
Can you tell me how to get...?
IF YOU CAN'T SAY ANYTHING NICE, YOU'RE PROBABLY AT THE ICE CAPADES

Offline gibbo_335

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #962 on: April 22, 2007, 10:50:00 PM »
Saw this on another site and thought you all would apprieciate it, everything is clearer now!!!! 

This story explains a lot of things. How many times have you woken up the morning after a hard night's drinking and thought ´How on earth did I get home?´ As hard as you try, you cannot piece together your return journey from the pub to your house.

The answer to this is that you used a "Beer scooter".

The Beer Scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased to the drunk by Bacchus, the Roman god of wine. Bacchus has acquired a large batch of these magical devices.



Is there a dealership for these in Australia??? I WANT ONE!!  Should that be NEED one !! ::rofl:: that's great~!~
« Last Edit: April 22, 2007, 10:52:50 PM by gibbo_335 »
YEWWWwwwwwwwww

Offline gibbo_335

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #963 on: April 22, 2007, 10:54:02 PM »
LOVE A DRUNK ...

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door.  The man gets up and goes to the door where a
drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband.  "It is 3 o'clock in the morning." He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.  "Just some drunk guy asking for a push!"

"Did you help him?" she asks.  "No. I did not.  It is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring rain outside!"

His wife said, "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us?  You should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man reluctantly gets dressed and goes out into the pouring rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello.  Are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?"  calls out the husband.

"Yes! Please!" comes the reply from the darkness.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk
YEWWWwwwwwwwww

Offline happylanding

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #964 on: April 24, 2007, 09:28:36 PM »
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate
father to start their family. On the day the surrogate father was to
arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be
here soon" Half an hour later, just by chance a door-to-door baby
photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning, madam. I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good. I've made a speciality of
babies"
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"

After a moment, she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is
fun too; you can really spread out!"
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me"
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But, if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different
angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results"
"My, that's a lot of....." gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in
and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure" 
"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures.
"This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London"
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with"
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job
done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get
a good look"
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes," the photographer said, "And for more than three hours too. The
mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate.
Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the
squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean squirrels actually chewed on your,
um......equipment?"
"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so we 
can get to work."
"Tripod?????"
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for
me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? ....... Good Lord, she's
fainted!!"


I give that landing a 9 . . . on the Richter scale.

Offline happylanding

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #965 on: April 24, 2007, 09:36:54 PM »
Why the Internet is Like a Penis


1. It can be up or down.  It's more fun when it's up, but that makes it
difficult to get any real work done.


2. In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information
considered vital to the survival of the species.  Some people still
think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today
use it for fun most of the time.


3. It has no conscience and no memory.  Left to its own devices, it will
just do the same damn dumb things it did before.


4. It provides a way to interact with other people.  Some people take this
interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark.  Sometimes it's
hard to tell what kind of person you're dealing with until it's too
late.


5. If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread
viruses.


6. It has no brain of its own.  Instead, it uses yours.  If you use it too
much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think
coherently.


7. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size
and influence warrant.


8. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble.


9. It has its own agenda.  Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it
will warp your behavior.  Later you may ask yourself "why on earth did
I do that?"


10. Some folks have it, some don't.
Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off.  They
think that those who don't have it are somehow inferior.  They think it
gives them power.  They are wrong.
Those who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy, but think it's
not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it.  Still, many
of those who don't have it would like to try it.


11. Once you've started  playing with it, it's hard to stop.  Some people
would just  play with it all day if they didn't have work to do.
I give that landing a 9 . . . on the Richter scale.

Offline happylanding

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #966 on: April 24, 2007, 09:40:07 PM »
Women keywords and their meaning


1. FINE
This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about
but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will
cause you to have one of those arguments.


2. FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your
football game is going to last before you take out the trash,  so I
feel that it's an even trade.


3. NOTHING
This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually
used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting  to turn you inside out,
upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will
last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine".


4. GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over
"Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".


5. GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will
get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing"
and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

6. LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very
misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you  are an idiot
at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and
arguing with you over "Nothing".

7. SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few
things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is
to not move or breathe and she will stay content.

8. OH
This word followed by any statement is trouble. Example; "Oh, let me get that".
Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night". If she says "Oh"
before a statement, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that
she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not
expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days. "Oh" as the lead to a sentence
usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get
out of it, or you will get raised eyebrows "Go ahead" followed by acts so
unspeakable that I can't bring myself to write about them.


9. THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man.
"That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and  hard before paying you
retributions for what ever it is that you have done.
"That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with
a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead". At some point in the near future when she has
plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.


10. PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to
come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for  doing whatever it is
that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful
and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".


11. THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint, just say you're welcome.


12. THANKS A LOT
This is much different than "Thanks". A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when
she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that  you have hurt her in
some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to
ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh", as she will only tell you "Nothing".

I give that landing a 9 . . . on the Richter scale.

Offline Baradium

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #967 on: April 25, 2007, 02:09:15 AM »
7. SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few
things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is
to not move or breathe and she will stay content.

The first thing that came to mind what I read this was a purr....


<--- constantly in trouble
"Well I know what's right, I got just one life
In a world that keeps on pushin' me around
But I stand my ground, and I won't back down"
  -Johnny Cash "I won't back Down"

Offline G-man

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #968 on: April 25, 2007, 04:42:52 PM »
All I can say is---At least we can make fun of ourselves......  ::rofl::

Helicopter Monkey

A passer by near a fire incident walked into a pet store and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, a government fire officer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll take a 6114 monkey, please."

The man nodded, went to a cage at the side of the store and took out a monkey. He put a collar and leash on the animal and handed it the owner, saying, "That'll be $1,000." The owner paid and left with the monkey.

Surprised, the passer by went to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did that one cost so much?"

The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that 6114 fire line monkey, he can cut line, Swat flames, lay hose, spray water, cut trees with no back talk or complaints. It's well worth the money."

The passer by then spotted a monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive--$10,000! What does it do?"

"Oh, that one is a "helitack" monkey; it can marshal helicopters, brief passengers, hook up buckets, complete weight and balance forms, and load aircraft. A very useful monkey indeed," replied the shopkeeper.

The person looked around a little longer and found a third monkey in a cage. The price tag read, "$50,000". The shocked tourist exclaimed, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What in the world could it do?"

"Well, I've never actually seen him do anything but drink beer and play with his dick, but his papers say he's a Helicopter Pilot!"

Life may not be the party we hoped for---but while we're here--we might as well dance..........

Offline happylanding

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #969 on: April 25, 2007, 05:17:25 PM »

The first thing that came to mind what I read this was a purr....
<--- constantly in trouble

Mmmmmmm................
 ::rofl::
I give that landing a 9 . . . on the Richter scale.

Offline Frank N. O.

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #970 on: April 25, 2007, 05:22:17 PM »
 ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: aw man. I feel like getting inside information there in Happy's post, or maybe she's a double-agent? :D

G-Man: Laughing at yourself is great, as long as other people laugh with you and not at you. Laughter at yourself is both a skill showing you're capable of several levels of understanding as well as giving you the release one need not to get too blown up with hot air that you get shot down (hybris)  |:)\

Frank
"When once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been, and there you will always long to return."
— Leonardo da Vinci

Offline happylanding

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #971 on: April 25, 2007, 05:30:25 PM »
::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: aw man. I feel like getting inside information there in Happy's post, or maybe she's a double-agent? :D

Haha! Actually, to tell the truth, in my opinion fine is always the worst you can get from a woman.
I give that landing a 9 . . . on the Richter scale.

airtac

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #972 on: April 26, 2007, 03:25:53 AM »
"A helicopter pilot"     Gman, you're AOK----and truthful to |:)\ |:)\ |:)\ |:)\ |:)\

Offline G-man

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #973 on: April 26, 2007, 03:49:21 AM »
"A helicopter pilot"     Gman, you're AOK----and truthful to |:)\ |:)\ |:)\ |:)\ |:)\

Thank you----you you're ok too, along with the mother, especially for being "stuck wing" pepes  !!!!!  ::bow::  ::bow::  ::bow::
Life may not be the party we hoped for---but while we're here--we might as well dance..........

Offline TheSoccerMom

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #974 on: April 27, 2007, 01:49:13 AM »
Uhh.... am I "the mother"?!?!  Wow, that's what they call me at work too.....    :D

Okay -- this is what the fueler told me this morning out on the ramp:

QUESTION:   WHY DO SINGLE WOMEN LIVE LONGER THAN MARRIED WOMEN?

ANSWER:      BECAUSE THEY WANT TO.


 ::rofl::               ::rofl::              ::rofl::               ::rofl::           ::rofl::
Don't make me come back there!!!!