Author Topic: Humor....I need Humor!  (Read 1403635 times)

Offline Mike

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #90 on: February 05, 2006, 05:26:00 AM »
I just realized that Firegirl has a Jack Handy quote on her signature.
Do you guys know Jack Handy? (they had a skid on SNL every now and then...)

Here is one of my favorite "deep thoughts":


   It takes a big man to cry,
   but it takes a bigger man
   to laugh at that man.


 :D haha,... totally off the wall poetry...


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Offline Firegirl

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #91 on: February 05, 2006, 06:30:18 PM »
Isn't Jack Handy the best?

Here is something else for you guys. Read and learn:

Woman are evil by nature....
 
    A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub...She gestured  alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.  She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.  "Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," he replied.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.

"Tell him," she whispered, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet you could shoot beer out of you nose. --- Jack Handy

Offline Gulfstream Driver

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #92 on: February 05, 2006, 08:48:03 PM »
If a child asks me why it's raining, I would say, "Because God is crying."

If he asks why God is crying, I would say, "Probably because of something you did."
--Jack Handy
Behind every great man, there is a woman rolling her eyes. --Bruce Almighty

Offline Gulfstream Driver

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #93 on: February 05, 2006, 08:53:03 PM »
Women ARE evil.  Here's a mathematical proof.

If you have a wife/girlfriend, you need to spend time with them. We all know that time is money.  And money is the root of all evil. 
So, if

Women = Time
Time = Money
Money = Evil,

Then

Women = Evil
Behind every great man, there is a woman rolling her eyes. --Bruce Almighty

fireflyr

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #94 on: February 06, 2006, 12:55:36 AM »
Ever heard the one about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac who stayed awake nights contemplating the meaning of Dog?  ???

Offline Mike

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #95 on: February 06, 2006, 02:27:39 AM »
If a child asks me why it's raining, I would say, "Because God is crying."

If he asks why God is crying, I would say, "Probably because of something you did."
--Jack Handy

      If trees could scream,
     would we be so cavalier
    about cutting them down?
   We might, if they screamed
 all the time, for no good reason.

--Jack Handy



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fireflyr

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #96 on: February 06, 2006, 10:16:54 AM »
WOW DUDE--It's like REEEALY getting philosophical here, ya know?

I yam who I yam-----Popeye

Offline Frank N. O.

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« Reply #97 on: February 07, 2006, 07:33:43 PM »
Truly superior pilots are those who use their superior judgment to avoid those situations where they might have to use their superior skills.

Regards engine power: Lots is good, more is better, and too much is just enough.

A checkride ought to be like a skirt, short enough to be interesting but still be long enough to cover everything.

Experience is the knowledge that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

Speed is life, altitude is life insurance.

Flying is the second greatest thrill known to man.... Landing is the first!

Every one already knows the definition of a 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. But very few know the definition of a 'great landing.' It's one after which you can use the airplane another time.

That's it for now, I'm giving small amounts so you can enjoy each one to the fullest :)
Frank
"When once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been, and there you will always long to return."
Leonardo da Vinci

Offline Frank N. O.

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #98 on: February 07, 2006, 08:02:32 PM »
Btw, thank you one and all for the great posts.

About Firegirl's picture with the Spam-ad then allow me to post Bill Engvall's joke:
SPAM: Stuff Posting As Meat

About the fighter and bomber then my favourite is the variant with a F-14 and B-52 and the trick was that the bomber-pilot switched off two engines LOL. Btw, love the CW vote incentive: "Comming in hot on one engine: in a 172 :D

Frank
"When once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been, and there you will always long to return."
Leonardo da Vinci

Offline Frank N. O.

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #99 on: February 10, 2006, 06:29:58 PM »
And now what to my knowledge is a true story and even from my home-country!

A beautiful summer day with good thermals, near Billund airport, Denmark:
Billund ATC: "Gliders 82 and D5, state position and altitude?"
82: Overhead Coal Lake, 6400 feet."
D5: "Same position, same altitude."
ATC (cool, dry voice): "So should I go get my collision report form??"

And another personal favourite of mine:

Tower: "Mission 123, do you have problems?"
Pilot: "I think, I have lost my compass."
Tower: "Judging the way you are flying, you lost the whole instrument panel!"

And some more funny ones:

Tower: "Hawk 20, is this the same aircraft declaring emergency about two hours ago ?"
Pilot: "Negative, Sir. It's only the same pilot."

Controller: "FAR1234 confirm your type of aircraft. Are you an Airbus 330 or 340?"
Pilot: "A340 of course!"
Controller: "Then would you mind switching on the two other engines and give me a 1000 feet per minute, please?"

727 pilot: "Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make a 360 in this airplane?"
Controller: "Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth."

Controller: "USA353 (sic) contact Cleveland Center 135.60.
(pause)
Controller: "USA353 contact Cleveland Center 135.60!"
(pause)
Controller: "USA353 you're just like my wife you never listen!"
Pilot: "Center, this is USA553, maybe if you called her by the right name you'd get a better response!"

Pilot: Oakland Ground, Cessna 1234 at Sierra Academy. Taxi, Destination Stockton
Ground: Cessna 1234, Taxi Approved, report leaving the airport

Cessna 152: "Flight Level Three Thousand, Seven Hundred"
Controller: "Roger, contact Houston Space Center"

Frank
"When once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been, and there you will always long to return."
Leonardo da Vinci

Offline Plthijnx

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #100 on: February 10, 2006, 09:50:26 PM »
so Mike.....is THIS how you walk your dog?!?!? lazy man. just lazy.  ::) 8) ;D
The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life to experience all three at the same time. - Unknown

Offline Ted_Stryker

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #101 on: February 10, 2006, 10:30:23 PM »
so Mike.....is THIS how you walk your dog?!?!? lazy man. just lazy. ::) 8) ;D

LOL!!  You know... it could also be that the dog is taking the chopper for a walk!  :))
We're going to have to come in pretty low! It's just one of those things you have to do... when you land! -- Ted Striker - Airplane!

Offline Mike

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #102 on: February 11, 2006, 02:06:38 AM »
so Mike.....is THIS how you walk your dog?!?!? lazy man. just lazy. ::) 8) ;D

What an interesting and complicated looking kite this dog is flying?!!! ;D
Amazing! Must be a circus dog...


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Offline Frank N. O.

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #103 on: February 12, 2006, 06:52:59 PM »
Is that really a real photo or edited? If it is real then it surely is a fantastic photo and a very calm dog. It reminds me of a commercial I saw of a Hughes (or whatever it's called now) helicopter with a helicopter hovering right behind a old farm porch with a dog lying there and then it lifts off and then a bird or something small comes by and that makes the dog react, but not the helicopter.

Frank
"When once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been, and there you will always long to return."
Leonardo da Vinci

Offline Mike

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #104 on: February 13, 2006, 03:47:23 AM »
that seems like a cool commercial. So you have it as a wmv file somewhere?


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