Author Topic: Humor....I need Humor!  (Read 1410787 times)

Offline happylanding

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #780 on: January 12, 2007, 10:29:42 PM »
Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground.

The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate.

"Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."
I give that landing a 9 . . . on the Richter scale.

Offline happylanding

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #781 on: January 12, 2007, 10:30:50 PM »
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend awake. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" Holmes questioned.

Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent."
I give that landing a 9 . . . on the Richter scale.

Offline happylanding

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #782 on: January 12, 2007, 10:31:31 PM »
Queen Elizabeth II was visiting one of New York's finest hospitals and during her tour of the wards she passed a room where one of the male patients was masturbating.

"Oh God," said the Queen, "that's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this?"

The doctor leading the tour explains, "I am sorry your Royal Highness, but this man has a very serious condition where his testicles fill up rapidly with semen. If he doesn't do what he is doing at least 5 times per day, he could swell up and he might die"

"Oh, I am sorry," said the Queen, "I was unaware that such a medical condition existed."

On the same floor they soon passed another room where a young, blonde nurse was performing oral sex on another patient.

"Oh my God," said the Queen, "What's happening here?"

The doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."
I give that landing a 9 . . . on the Richter scale.

Offline happylanding

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #783 on: January 12, 2007, 10:32:55 PM »
Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"
"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techiniques - visualization, association - it made a huge difference for me."
"That's great! What was the name of the clinic?"
Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that red flower with the long stem and thorns?"
"You mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife. . ."Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"
I give that landing a 9 . . . on the Richter scale.

Offline happylanding

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #784 on: January 13, 2007, 05:18:29 PM »
two small prawns playing in the water.
one looks at the other and says "hey mate! what's up? you are absent minded today! something happened?".
the other (looking sad and worried): "my mom went to a cocktail party yesterday....and hasn't come back yet......"
 :-\ ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
I give that landing a 9 . . . on the Richter scale.

fireflyr

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #785 on: January 14, 2007, 04:45:33 AM »
AND NOW, FOR YOU PHILOSPHY MAJORS, a definition; ::wave::

"Political Correctness is a doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical liberal minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end."

Offline digits

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #786 on: January 14, 2007, 01:25:58 PM »
Just to make sure I understand that, I'm not surprised to say I love women if they are mysterious? Too late for that, they already know. Heck, I mostly worked on my student degree with my female classmates (ok partly also because most of them were smarter and more mature so work could be done) and even my best friend is female, I just enjoy being near nice women. I find them intelligent and insightful and of course many of them are also, in my humble opinion, very nice to look at (I mean the face btw, I am a gentleman after all, and I'm happy just being in the company of a nice woman, they are that wonderful ::bow:: ). Do you think I'm lost? ::rofl::

Frank

Frank, I will tell you that the point about the fact that women are mysterious applies to men too. ;D
I do not have a big number of female friend, I'm much more the type who prefer going out with beer buddies and I consider I've male friends, instead of females. one day, by the way, talking to my brother, who has tons of experience with females, he told me that I was mad and I probably did not have any beer buddy but just men around me who just wanted one thing...and I will censure the exact words he used :) Btw, facts have not given reason to such a postulate, until now and I'm qute sure, that, even if the advice comes from an "insider", it will not apply. But when I was involved into a relationship, the only one I've had, until so far, I noticed several times that certain things were - say - reversed. to give you examples, it is usually said that women expect men to "read into your mind", behaving as you would like or that we use subtle way to mean something or that we usually answer the question "is there something wrong?" with a no, when in fact, something is wrong and we expect the significant other to understand what it is wrong. I think I can say I never behaved such ways but I saw my former behaving several times alike. So, I dare say that in my life I applied in the most natural way, almost never thinking about a best possible answer that would have reflected a stereotyped way of thinking, but behaving as I would have, with the maximum flexibility and understanding and giving - in the meantme the maximum of freedom. You wonder that when my relationship closed I was "accused" of not having understood the moods, the desires, the meanings and the needs of my significant other?!? and even worse, I was accused of not being jealous? letting the other do whatever he wanted?!?
ALso men are a mystery, let be assured! :)


:) :) ::rofl:: ::bow::
When once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been, and there you will always long to return. - Leonardo da Vinci

fireflyr

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #787 on: January 14, 2007, 03:27:34 PM »
Just to make sure I understand that, I'm not surprised to say I love women if they are mysterious? Too late for that, they already know. Heck, I mostly worked on my student degree with my female classmates (ok partly also because most of them were smarter and more mature so work could be done) and even my best friend is female, I just enjoy being near nice women. I find them intelligent and insightful and of course many of them are also, in my humble opinion, very nice to look at (I mean the face btw, I am a gentleman after all, and I'm happy just being in the company of a nice woman, they are that wonderful ::bow:: ). Do you think I'm lost? ::rofl::

Frank


Frank, I will tell you that the point about the fact that women are mysterious applies to men too. ;D
I do not have a big number of female friend, I'm much more the type who prefer going out with beer buddies and I consider I've male friends, instead of females. one day, by the way, talking to my brother, who has tons of experience with females, he told me that I was mad and I probably did not have any beer buddy but just men around me who just wanted one thing...and I will censure the exact words he used :) Btw, facts have not given reason to such a postulate, until now and I'm qute sure, that, even if the advice comes from an "insider", it will not apply. But when I was involved into a relationship, the only one I've had, until so far, I noticed several times that certain things were - say - reversed. to give you examples, it is usually said that women expect men to "read into your mind", behaving as you would like or that we use subtle way to mean something or that we usually answer the question "is there something wrong?" with a no, when in fact, something is wrong and we expect the significant other to understand what it is wrong. I think I can say I never behaved such ways but I saw my former behaving several times alike. So, I dare say that in my life I applied in the most natural way, almost never thinking about a best possible answer that would have reflected a stereotyped way of thinking, but behaving as I would have, with the maximum flexibility and understanding and giving - in the meantme the maximum of freedom. You wonder that when my relationship closed I was "accused" of not having understood the moods, the desires, the meanings and the needs of my significant other?!? and even worse, I was accused of not being jealous? letting the other do whatever he wanted?!?
ALso men are a mystery, let be assured! :)


:) :) ::rofl:: ::bow::
"men are a mystery"---HORSE FEATHERS ::unbelieveable::
It's just that we think yes is yes, no is no, and we are clueless when women hint at things :-\    I mean there are a thousand ways we fall into the verbal traps set by the onerous feminists terrorists whom we worship blindly like a group knuckle-dragging troglodytes staring at a volcano ::bow:: ::bow::
Let's face it, women think anyone who just blurts unrefined data in a succint manner to facilitate a conversation is either an idiot or.... "mysterious" !
Ladies, my wife can tell you what color socks I was wearing and what she couldn't eat for lunch that day 15 years ago when sitting crosslegged at a marriage seminar I allowed she was getting "a tiny bit" wide at the hips  ::eek::  ::knockedout:: 
Celibacy is a reward for men who aren't vigilant of the words that tumble from our babbling pie holes, we are a lot of things but we ain't mysterious ::banghead::

Offline happylanding

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #788 on: January 14, 2007, 08:49:58 PM »
Fireflyr, I'll give you a point in saying that my observations are drawn from a single experience, and Iím still waiting for other ones to confirm or deny the first set of conclusions.† ;D Maybe one day - on that exact forum - I will tell you that you men are not a mystery after all (hoping that, solving the mystery, doesnít take menís sex appeal away, though :) ). By the way, Iíve not fallen in love yet again in order to live another story and be able to add or remove something from my first conclusion. But my question is: does that mean that a man would never uhhm, think about, say for example, what you said 6 months before and throw it back to you as a boomerang some day or another? Because, actually my former should have won the medal to that!† ??? So, now I'm out of knowledge. I sometimes laugh about it.... but jokes apart, is it - or not - really something that men do not tend to do? Or, better said, do you think that women/men can "generally" behave in specified ways that are uncomprehensible to the other sex?!?
« Last Edit: January 14, 2007, 08:53:40 PM by happylanding »
I give that landing a 9 . . . on the Richter scale.

Offline digits

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #789 on: January 14, 2007, 10:48:55 PM »
Or, better said, do you think that women/men can "generally" behave in specified ways that are uncomprehensible to the other sex?!?

i certainly do think so. if you just consider all the scientists and writers that have spend so much time in investigating all kinds of psychological differences, have done tons of research, written thousands of books, than i'm quite sure there ARE some mysteries left and worth investigating.

or they are all just depressed bachelors :D
When once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been, and there you will always long to return. - Leonardo da Vinci

Offline tundra_flier

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #790 on: January 15, 2007, 04:53:47 AM »
OK, No joke, I heard on the radio last month that I study at a British university (sorry, can't remember which one) gave concrete proof that men and women think differently, and address problems differently.  It was based on a study of only 52 students at that university, yet was deemed worthy of the world news!   ::rofl::

Actually Happy, men's minds are pretty easy to read.  The american philosipher Bill Engball summed up how very simply.
Men think about 3 things.
Sleeping
Eating
and Sex.

If a mans rested and well fed, you know what he'd thinking about.   ::cowboy::

"Here's your sign"

Phil

fireflyr

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #791 on: January 15, 2007, 06:53:21 PM »
Happy, I was just being silly in that post, but as it's been said before "there is truth in humor"....

As for relationships and gender differences, there are many inconsistencies but in general, men don't do well with subtle hints (we're clueless) ::banghead:: and women are generally better at remembering inconsequential (to a guy anyway) incidents from the distant past ::angel::
Jim

Offline Gulfstream Driver

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #792 on: January 15, 2007, 09:16:36 PM »
OK, No joke, I heard on the radio last month that I study at a British university (sorry, can't remember which one) gave concrete proof that men and women think differently, and address problems differently.†


Well, duh!  It's amazing that some of these studies get federal funding.
Behind every great man, there is a woman rolling her eyes.† --Bruce Almighty

Offline happylanding

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #793 on: January 16, 2007, 09:46:30 PM »
Happy, I was just being silly in that post, but as it's been said before "there is truth in humor"....

As for relationships and gender differences, there are many inconsistencies but in general, men don't do well with subtle hints (we're clueless) ::banghead:: and women are generally better at remembering inconsequential (to a guy anyway) incidents from the distant past ::angel::
Jim

Thanks for the answer mates! I should maybe reconsider who wore the pants in the couple I was into! :) Jokes apart, there must be a why on the fact I'm not used about these kind of behaviour and I start thinking that growing up playing with my brother football and hockey and guns and choosing my dad's path (until a certain point) probably gave me a more direct way to approach problems! But now I clearly see why my mom, when she thinks about facts in the past, she attaches them not to the year or whatever she was doing, but to her weight at the time! :)  ::rofl::
I give that landing a 9 . . . on the Richter scale.

Offline happylanding

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #794 on: January 16, 2007, 10:30:27 PM »
John's dad picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part.
John enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years."
"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."
 ::rofl::
I give that landing a 9 . . . on the Richter scale.