Author Topic: Humor....I need Humor!  (Read 1409281 times)

Offline happylanding

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #750 on: January 07, 2007, 12:39:41 AM »
A few months after his parents were divorced, Little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"  ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl:: ::rofl::
I give that landing a 9 . . . on the Richter scale.

Offline happylanding

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #751 on: January 07, 2007, 12:45:43 AM »
Anagrams

Dormitory .................................. Dirty Room
Evangelist................................. Evil's Agent
Desperation.............................. A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code..................... Here Come Dots
Slot Machines......................... Cash Lost in 'em
Animosity................................ Is No Amity
Mother-in-law..........................Woman Hitler
Snooze Alarms........................ Alas! No More Z's
Alec Guinness......................... Genuine Class
Semolina................................... Is No Meal
The Public Art Galleries......... Large Picture Halls, I Bet
A Decimal Point...................... I'm a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes.................... That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two..................... Twelve plus one
Contradiction......................... Accord not in it
I give that landing a 9 . . . on the Richter scale.

fireflyr

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #752 on: January 07, 2007, 05:07:33 AM »
HAAAHAHA---That's GOOD Frank---helluva good billboard for skydivers ::rofl::

Darn, looks like I just hit 1,000 posts----HMMMM, maybe I've got too much goof off time! :-\

a good excuse to open a bottle of gewurzstraminer, don't you think fireflyr?!? ;)
All I have is some Chardonnay---oh well, it'll work ::drinking:: ::sleep::

Offline FlyboyGil

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #753 on: January 07, 2007, 04:39:33 PM »
Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers



Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

**************************************************************************************************
Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

****************************************************************************************************
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

****************************************************************************************************
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little Fokker in sight."

******************************************************************************************************

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

*****************************************************************************************************

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

****************************************************************************************************** 

A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): " Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany . Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"


*******************************************************************************************************

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

********************************************************************************************************

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

*******************************************************************************************************

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."

******************************************************************************************************

While taxiing at London 's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?




IF YOU CAN'T SAY ANYTHING NICE, YOU'RE PROBABLY AT THE ICE CAPADES

Offline happylanding

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #754 on: January 07, 2007, 10:05:15 PM »
Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two extra things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating. "It's a very handy thing," God told the couple, who he found under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability.

Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems a sort of thing a man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let it fly. It'd be so cool. I could write my name in the sand. Oh please God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please......" On and on he went like an excited little boy who had to pee. Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly, that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, and she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given this ability. And so Adam was given the ability to control the direction of his misdirection while in a vertical position. And so, he was happy and did celebrate by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him, laughing with delight all the while. And it was good.

Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of leftover gifts. What's left here? Oh yes...............multiple orgasms....."
I give that landing a 9 . . . on the Richter scale.

Offline Mike

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #755 on: January 08, 2007, 09:32:37 AM »
See that's one of the main reasons I don't date! (Although the women I like are usually capable enough to take care of themselves anyway and I'm as harmless as a puppy).

Now here's something that seems to be made by a skydiver that's cruisin' for a bruisin' with pilots :D (personally I'm not that fond of seeing a wrecked plane used for a billboard like that, it's sad and kind of scary)
http://www.airliners.net/open.file/0862637/L/

Frank

HA HA! This is great!
Almost looks like a CW cartoon !!


Dear IRS: Please cancel my subscription.

Offline happylanding

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #756 on: January 08, 2007, 05:30:53 PM »
37 Reasons It's Great To Be A Man
1. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
2. Your orgasms are real. Always.
3. Your last name stays put.
4. The garage is all yours.
5. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
6. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
7. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
8. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
9. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
10. Same work .. more pay.
11. Wrinkles-add character.
12. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
13. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
14. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
15. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
16. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
17. One mood, ALL the damn time.
18. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds.
19. A five-day vacation requires only 1 suitcase.
20. You can open all your own jars.
21. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
22. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
23. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
24. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
25. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
26. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking "He must be mad at me."
27. No maxi-pads.
28. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
29. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
30. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
31. You are unable to see wrinkles in clothes.
32. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
33. Your belly usually hides your big hips.
34. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
35. You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
36. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in minutes.
37. The world is your urinal.
I give that landing a 9 . . . on the Richter scale.

Offline digits

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #757 on: January 08, 2007, 07:25:01 PM »
25. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

i only have/need one :D
When once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been, and there you will always long to return. - Leonardo da Vinci

Offline Frank N. O.

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #758 on: January 08, 2007, 11:06:10 PM »
Happy: ::rofl:: But are there only anti-female jokes like that out there?

3: I like my name but not many people can pronounce Oreskov correctly in english, and probably fewer people understand it's not polish/russian but a danish forrest name so I wouldn't mind taking my wife's last name, unless it was Stein of course. Frank N. Stein, hmm, actually maybe I'd like that (when I went to public school in the first and second grade that was my teasing name btw, Frankenstein).
7: No longer true, at least not until they notice you're a carexpert (personal experience, observed by my mom at least).
18: Not if my older brother Michael is at the other end! ::rofl::
22: Actually I think I pay less than that.
23: Not necessarily true, your mother might very well notice and start pushing you to get a wife.
24: Not if I don't trust the driver I can't.
25: I only have two, a pair of sneakers and some nice leather shoes I've only worn a couple of times, one of them being my student graduation.
31: No I'm not, but I don't care about wrinkles since they're unavoidable :D
32: That's true, I've had a simple parden to the left for 15-20 years, although I've started to get highlights in them, however they are from mother nature so it's not really my own doing :D
33: You must mean divert focus from the hips since to my knowlege hips are on the side and a belly is in front.
35: Uhm, nope.
37: See above.

Frank
« Last Edit: January 08, 2007, 11:10:04 PM by Frank N. O. »
"When once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been, and there you will always long to return."
Leonardo da Vinci

fireflyr

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #759 on: January 09, 2007, 04:30:43 PM »
Happy, most males (me included) are so oblivious to reality, we think your male-bashing is actually complimentary ;D ::rofl::



Offline happylanding

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #760 on: January 09, 2007, 05:00:53 PM »
Happy:  ::rofl:: But are there only anti-female jokes like that out there?
Frank

No idea, Frank, if a similar exists. but when it happened to me to read the last one, I found it too funny not to post in here. btw, for fairness, I will look for the "why it is gorgeous to be a woman"!

Fireflyr: what do you mean by bashing?!?!?
I give that landing a 9 . . . on the Richter scale.

Offline happylanding

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #761 on: January 10, 2007, 07:14:27 AM »
A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY.The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains" I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500!." Figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references.He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. Afterover an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
I give that landing a 9 . . . on the Richter scale.

Offline happylanding

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #762 on: January 10, 2007, 07:16:16 AM »
A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking! A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story:

If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.
I give that landing a 9 . . . on the Richter scale.

Offline happylanding

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #763 on: January 10, 2007, 07:20:02 AM »
An sad, old man sitting was sitting on a park bench when along came a police officer. The officer asked the old man why he was so upset.

The old man replied, "Every morning I wake up with a wonderful 20 year old blonde. She cooks great meals including sausage, and bacon and everything I love. Then we make passionate love in bed. Afterwards, she gives me a bath, with handdrawn hot water, cooks me lunch and followed by more passionate love. In the evening, we'll have top the day off with a fantastic diner and yet more wonderful love.

The police officer gets a puzzled look on his face and asks, "Well, what seems to be the problem?"

The old man replied with a sad look on his face, "I can't remember where I live!"
I give that landing a 9 . . . on the Richter scale.

fireflyr

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #764 on: January 10, 2007, 03:03:49 PM »
Speaking of lawyers,
The post office just issued a new series of stamps featuring lawyers pictures but had to recall them because people couldn't figure out which side to spit on ::rofl::

Happy---"bashing"=insulting   ::rambo::

I know--it's all in good fun ;D ;D