Author Topic: Humor....I need Humor!  (Read 1408865 times)

Offline happylanding

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #735 on: January 04, 2007, 11:25:35 AM »
A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled upon an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said "OK. OK. You released me from the lamp, blah, blah, blah. This is the 4th time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish! The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?" The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete . . how much steel!! No, think of another wish!" The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish.

Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women . . . know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment . . .know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say, 'nothing' . . . know how to make them truly happy . . ." The genie said, "You want that bridge with two lanes or four?
I give that landing a 9 . . . on the Richter scale.

Offline Baradium

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #736 on: January 04, 2007, 12:21:12 PM »
50 pages!


I've got a few stories in the past few weeks, but been debating about consequences if the people in the stories were to get on here and recognize the event in question.  ;)
"Well I know what's right, I got just one life
In a world that keeps on pushin' me around
But I stand my ground, and I won't back down"
  -Johnny Cash "I won't back Down"

Offline AirtransRecon

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #737 on: January 04, 2007, 01:13:17 PM »
Change the names and if they ask, deny everything.  8)

KW

Offline Baradium

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #738 on: January 04, 2007, 01:24:27 PM »
Change the names and if they ask, deny everything. 8)

KW

You do realize how small this company is, right?    ;)
"Well I know what's right, I got just one life
In a world that keeps on pushin' me around
But I stand my ground, and I won't back down"
  -Johnny Cash "I won't back Down"

Offline digits

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #739 on: January 05, 2007, 08:55:04 PM »
Something i sent to my flight instructor because his girlfriend was pregnant:


May your son be
as beautiful as a Gulfstream,
as smart as an F-16,
as strong as a C-130,
as quick as a Mig 29,

and for mother's sake, may its delivery be a little faster than that of the A380.


greetings,
digits
When once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been, and there you will always long to return. - Leonardo da Vinci

Offline Frank N. O.

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #740 on: January 05, 2007, 09:11:26 PM »
LOL that's a great one, welcome digits  ::wave::

Frank
"When once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been, and there you will always long to return."
Leonardo da Vinci

fireflyr

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #741 on: January 06, 2007, 03:34:51 AM »
Change the names and if they ask, deny everything. 8)

KW

You do realize how small this company is, right? ;)
With a small company you just have to be a better liar :-\

Offline happylanding

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #742 on: January 06, 2007, 09:52:27 AM »
I cannot remember if I posted it already........

Dad's jealous.....10 Simple Rules For Dating My Daughter

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

BTW, @ digits, your wish card is too funny. great creativity!
I give that landing a 9 . . . on the Richter scale.

Offline Baradium

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #743 on: January 06, 2007, 10:31:30 AM »
You do realize how small this company is, right? ;)
With a small company you just have to be a better liar :-\

Hahahah!

I'll come up with something tomorrow after a little sleep... and hopefully after I can manage to get my truck to start!
"Well I know what's right, I got just one life
In a world that keeps on pushin' me around
But I stand my ground, and I won't back down"
  -Johnny Cash "I won't back Down"

fireflyr

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #744 on: January 06, 2007, 04:41:59 PM »
Thanks for the "rules" Happy!
As an attentive father, I felt like invoking several of those rules when my daughter dating ::rambo::

Offline happylanding

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #745 on: January 06, 2007, 05:34:45 PM »
Thanks for the "rules" Happy!
As an attentive father, I felt like invoking several of those rules when my daughter dating ::rambo::

Ohoh, my pleasure Fireflyr....you know they are also drawn from my experience!! and weren't it enough, I also have an incredibly jealous brother!!  ;D ;D ;D
I give that landing a 9 . . . on the Richter scale.

Offline Frank N. O.

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #746 on: January 06, 2007, 08:43:28 PM »
See that's one of the main reasons I don't date! (Although the women I like are usually capable enough to take care of themselves anyway and I'm as harmless as a puppy).

Now here's something that seems to be made by a skydiver that's cruisin' for a bruisin' with pilots :D (personally I'm not that fond of seeing a wrecked plane used for a billboard like that, it's sad and kind of scary)
http://www.airliners.net/open.file/0862637/L/

Frank
"When once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been, and there you will always long to return."
Leonardo da Vinci

fireflyr

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #747 on: January 06, 2007, 08:57:39 PM »
HAAAHAHA---That's GOOD Frank---helluva good billboard for skydivers ::rofl::

Darn, looks like I just hit 1,000 posts----HMMMM, maybe I've got too much goof off time! :-\
« Last Edit: January 06, 2007, 08:59:47 PM by fireflyr »

Offline Frank N. O.

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #748 on: January 06, 2007, 09:17:57 PM »
There's no such thing as too much goof off time as long as the important things are done  ::wave::

Frank
"When once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been, and there you will always long to return."
Leonardo da Vinci

Offline happylanding

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #749 on: January 06, 2007, 10:49:30 PM »
HAAAHAHA---That's GOOD Frank---helluva good billboard for skydivers ::rofl::

Darn, looks like I just hit 1,000 posts----HMMMM, maybe I've got too much goof off time! :-\

a good excuse to open a bottle of gewurzstraminer, don't you think fireflyr?!?  ;)
I give that landing a 9 . . . on the Richter scale.