Helicopters or Airplanes--Let the games begin

[TheSoccerMom]

Yeah, yeah, it's a JOKE!!!!!!!!!             

Just like the HELICOPTER pilot I lived with for 10 years.....        

My point was, from personal experience, there ARE helicopter pilots out there with WAY MORE flight hours,
than BRAIN CELLS............                    

Which is why we got along in the first place, I know, I know..........   

 

[Rooster Cruiser]

<yawn>

I'll repeat myself again...  Gimme another beer, etc.   

[Mitchell99]

OK… I have got to post this in the fixed wing school across the airport and watch the building explode!      

[Frank N. O.]

You don't have to do any balance calculations with a helicopter at all? That sounds exagerated (or are you just making a joke?).
I would say though that getting a ride in a helicopter is on my things-to-do-before-I-die-list, even before getting my first date/kiss.
Sadly however, none of the above seems to be in the cards anytime soon

Frank

[Ragwing]

You don't have to do any balance calculations with a helicopter at all? That sounds exaggerated (or are you just making a joke?).

Frank,
don't let them pull your leg too much.  Of course you have to run weight and balance calculations.
Front to back just like a fixed wing AND left to right. 
Just think of trying to lift and your left side has too much weight: Your right skid is up in the air, but your left is still stuck on the ground
The R22 POH has a minimum pilot weight requirement.  We have to sandbag a few gals to get their weight up. (put the sandbag under her seat).

[G-man]

Of course you have to run weight and balance calculations.

I have not done a weight and balance calculation on a helicopter in about 9 or 10 years. They are pretty much there to give examiners something to test you on. Just for shits and giggles--take an R-22 POH and see if you can load it OUT of CG. You have to abide by the limitations though---170lbs etc. Same with a Jet Ranger--it is almost impossible to get it out of CG. With the left seat PIC Astar with front bench seats, you CAN get it out of longitudinal, but only by using seat-belt extenders on the 2 front pax    The Longranger--as long as you abide by the POH and use the recommended "selective seating", and don't load up the baggage compartment with out people in front--again almost impossible.

Hence it makes it easy--kind of "3rd grade" as ,mom says..    That's why all the gauges have colors--so that you can glance at them with out having to read the actual numbers. I had an FAA document once--since lost it, that states you do NOT need to recite number parameters on check rides.

My motto--KISS

I do however complete a "Load Calc" every day for the FS. It is a form which works out your allowable HIGE/HOGE payload for expected altitude/temp ranges.

[Mike]

The Longranger--as long as you abide by the POH and use the recommended "selective seating", and don't load up the baggage compartment with out people in front--again almost impossible.

That one is important though !!
I mean, you're right, you don't have to calculate it because it's common sense but I had a crew get out once and "forget" all their equipment in the back . . . woah!! almost took off backwards!! 
I am a pretty skinny guy in the front on top of that....
One time I flew with two heavy guys up front in a schweizer 300 . . . couldn't hover, only go forward slowly. Got my attention also (was my younger days when I did things I don do no more...)

But the AStar, what a machine. Can't even out-cg it with the basket on one side (sticking out 2 ft from the side of the aircraft which gives it an even longer arm), FULLY LOADED! (200lbs) and nothing to counterbalance...
 

[G-man]

The Longranger--as long as you abide by the POH and use the recommended "selective seating", and don't load up the baggage compartment with out people in front--again almost impossible.

That one is important though !!
I mean, you're right, you don't have to calculate it because it's common sense but I had a crew get out once and "forget" all their equipment in the back . . . woah!! almost took off backwards!! 

Yep--I have to remind them on helispots NOT to automatically put the baggage in the back compartment.

In Hawaii though, with the bench seat up front and the "midwestern beef eatin ho's" you have to watch the weight up front--pretty much once you had more than 450lbs in the front pax seats you needed counter weight in the baggage. And YEP, been there done that--however the "given weight" for 90% of women in the US is 130lbs. We had a little test for them though---made them sit in the plastic chairs on our deck--if the chair came up with their ass when they stood up---they were at least 230lbs. 

[G-man]

How do you know if you're talking to a Helicopter Pilot?

He'll tell you

How do you know if you're talking to an Airline Pilot?

His trophy wife will tell you..

what's the difference between god and a helicopter pilot?

God won't tell you he is a helicopter pilot!!!

What does a helicopter pilot use for contraception?

His personality.

And what does an Airline pilot use for a personality?

His Income!

And finally for this iteration:

A woman runs into a Police station Yelling and screaming!!
The desk sergeant asks whats the Problem? She says I've just been raped by an helicopter Pilot!!!

Police say, How do you know he was an helicopter Pilot ?

She says well! he had a Big watch, a small Dick and he wouldn't stop talking about himself.....

And who says we cant laugh at ourselves---why not--everyone else is..

[Rooster Cruiser]

She says well! he had a Big watch, a small Dick and he wouldn't stop talking about himself.....

And you guys are trying to lure me over to the "Dark Side" with talk like that!?!?      I'm thinking I wouldn't qualify on at least two of those three!   

[Skid Kid]

I'm in agreement with Oddball and Chopper Doc... the silly stick wigglers ain't got nothin on us mechanics! 
Stuck wing or fling wing?  I dunno, I've met the worst egos of both groups (fighter pilots and attack chopper pilots), and I can't tell which is bigger.  Can't complain too much 'cause as long as pilots keep breaking aircraft, I'll still have a job.   

[Jean Loup]

  the "who is better" boring theme...one question is borne by my rotary wing ignorance: Do Helicopters have an auto-pilot, like fixed wing's have???
  thank you donYan

P.S.-  Gliders must be better, since they assist the ISS ...no rotary wings out there!!!  ...yet...

[Jean Loup]

I'm in agreement with Oddball and Chopper Doc... the silly stick wigglers ain't got nothin on us mechanics! 
Stuck wing or fling wing?  I dunno, I've met the worst egos of both groups (fighter pilots and attack chopper pilots), and I can't tell which is bigger.  Can't complain too much 'cause as long as pilots keep breaking aircraft, I'll still have a job.   

forgive for intruding...but, isn't WEAR what brakes more aircraft than pilots do No pilot that I know, nor us Skydivers do what we do, to commit suicide!!!...much LESS brake an expensive tool...
donYan (back-country mechanic)

[Jean Loup]

"How fast can you fly backward?"

...I'd rather fly to where my EYES are positioned, not backward!!! 

[Skid Kid]

forgive for intruding...but, isn't WEAR what brakes more aircraft than pilots do

Yes, wear and tear account for roughly 60% of our unscheduled maintenance, however the other 40% is human error, both the maintainer's and pilot's.  Then again, I work in a weird little sideshow of aviation where we have airframes and rebuilt parts that have a ridiculous amount of hours put on them being used and abused by mechanics and pilots who just got certified.

As for autopilots, some do, but most just have a stability control system to counteract outside forces (wing gusts, etc) of varying degrees of complexity.  The simplest ones being a stabilization bar that uses the gyroscopic effects of weights spinning around and around to dampen oscillations.  More complex varieties use electronic and hydraulic systems to keep the helicopter pointed in the same direction at the same altitude, but the effect is more like a trim system than a true autopilot.