To All Our Family and Friends,
Just a note to let you know we are hoping to see you Thanksgiving Day. But... Martha Stewart will NOT be dining with us this Thanksgiving. I'm letting you know in advance, so don't act surprised. Since Ms. Stewart won't be coming, I've made a few changes...
Our sidewalk will not be lined with homemade, paper bag luminaries. After a trial run, it was decided that, no matter how cleverly done, rows of flaming lunch sacks do not have the desired welcoming effect.
Once inside, our guests will note that the entry hall is not decorated with the swags of Indian corn and fall foliage I planned to make. Instead, I got the kids involved in the decorating by having them track colorful autumn leaves in from the front yard. The mud was their idea.
The dining table will not be covered with expensive linens, fancy china or crystal goblets. If possible, we will use dishes that match and everyone will get a fork. Since it IS Thanksgiving, we will refrain from using the plastic Peter Rabbit plate and the Santa napkins left over from last Christmas.
Our centerpiece will not be the tower of fresh fruit and flowers that I promised. Instead, we will be displaying a hedgehog-like decoration handcrafted out of the finest construction paper. The artist assures me it is a turkey.
We will be dining fashionably late. The children will entertain you while you wait. I'm sure they will be happy to share every colorful comment I have made regarding Thanksgiving, pilgrims and the turkey hotline. Please remember that most of these comments were made at 5:00 a.m. upon discovering that the turkey was still hard enough to cut diamonds.
As accompaniment to the children's recital, I will play a recording of tribal drumming. If the children should mention that I don't own a copy of tribal drumming OR that the tribal drumming sounds suspiciously like a frozen turkey in a clothes dryer, ignore them. They are lying.
We toyed with the idea of ringing a dainty silver dinner bell to announce the start of our feast. In the end, we chose to keep our traditional method. We also decided against a formal seating arrangement, so when the smoke alarm sounds, gather 'round the table and sit where you like. In the spirit of harmony, we will ask the children to sit at a separate table... in a separate room... next door.
Now, I know you have all seen pictures of one person carving a turkey in front of a crowd of appreciative onlookers. This will not be happening at our dinner. For safety reasons, the turkey will be carved in a private ceremony. I stress "private" meaning: Do not, under any circumstances, enter the kitchen to laugh at me. Do not send unsuspecting children to check on my progress. I have an electric knife... the turkey is unarmed. It stands to reason I will win... when I do, we will eat.
I would like to take this opportunity to remind my young diners that "passing the rolls" is not a football play. Nor is it a request to bean your sister in the head with warm tasty bread.
One important reminder for the adults: For the duration of the meal and especially while in the presence of young diners, we will refer to the gravy made from 'giblets' by it's lesser known name... Cheese Sauce. If a young diner questions you about the origins or type of said Cheese Sauce, please plead ignorance. Cheese Sauce stains.
There is one last change. Instead of offering a choice of 12 different scrumptious desserts, we will be serving the traditional pumpkin pie, garnished with whipped cream and small fingerprints. You will still have a choice: take it, or leave it.
I hope you aren't too disappointed that Martha Stewart will not be dining with us this Thanksgiving. She probably won't come next year either.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone!
