Author Topic: Humor....I need Humor!  (Read 800273 times)

Offline cj5_pilot

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1065 on: June 30, 2007, 07:35:52 AM »
Soccermom sent this riddle to me

You are driving in a car at a constant speed.  On your left side is a drop off (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are travel ing on), and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you.  In front of you is a galloping horse which is the same size as your car and you c annot overtake it.  Behind you is another galloping horse.  Both horses are also traveling at the same speed as you.  What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?


For the answer read the next post !








I drive a F-250 Super Duty...the drop off is nothing...and to me a horse in front and back means MUSTANG!   :P

((Yes that isn't very funny...but I'm tired so there you have it ;) ))
The average pilot, despite the sometimes swaggering exterior, is very much capable of such feelings as love, affection, intimacy and caring. These feelings just don't involve anyone else.

Offline FlyboyGil

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1066 on: July 04, 2007, 01:04:47 AM »
A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning. One woman lost it completely. She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, 'I'm too young to die,' she cried.
 
Then she yelled, "If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a man stood up in the rear of the plane. He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went, one button at a time. No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest. She gasped... Then, he spoke:
 
"Iron this ... and then get me a beer."
« Last Edit: July 04, 2007, 01:06:56 AM by FlyboyGil »
IF YOU CAN'T SAY ANYTHING NICE, YOU'RE PROBABLY AT THE ICE CAPADES

Offline gibbo_335

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1067 on: July 04, 2007, 01:29:41 AM »
HA HA get me a beer...nice ;D
You know you're a Freight Dog when all the other arrival traffic is in holding patterns waiting to see if you get in.

Offline G-man

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1068 on: July 04, 2007, 02:47:43 AM »
Life may not be the party we hoped for---but while we're here--we might as well dance..........

Offline happylanding

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1069 on: July 04, 2007, 04:57:52 AM »
Iron this and get me a beer??
HAHA! at  the very least she had the chance to understand what men want and think before dying! :-)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a Duke University Law School graduate from an upper crust family; well-bred, well-connected, and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a redneck from Southeast Alabama A&M.
The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word "Timbuktu".
The Duke graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem:

Slowly across the desert sand Trekked the dusty caravan. Men on camels, two by two Destination-Timbuktu.

The audience went wild!!! How, they wondered, could the redneck top that?! The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited:

Tim and me, a-huntin' went. Met three whores in a pop-up tent. They was three, we was two, So I bucked one and Timbuktu.
I give that landing a 9 . . . on the Richter scale.

Offline Rooster Cruiser

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1070 on: July 08, 2007, 05:35:37 AM »
Last night, I saw a great Truck Driver t-shirt that was being worn by a long-haul driver flying home on an airline after making a delivery of a new truck;

"If I had wanted to make short hauls with lots of stops I'd have become a MAILMAN!!!"
"Me and Earl was haulin' chickens / On a flatbed outta Wiggins..."

Wolf Creek Pass, by CW McCall

Offline Baradium

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1071 on: July 08, 2007, 09:00:23 PM »
Last night, I saw a great Truck Driver t-shirt that was being worn by a long-haul driver flying home on an airline after making a delivery of a new truck;

"If I had wanted to make short hauls with lots of stops I'd have become a MAILMAN!!!"

I think for a lot of the places I go I *am* the mailman....   ::)


People carry such weird stuff too.  Last week this lady was hand carrying a bag of fermented whale meat on our Fairbanks-Anchorage run.  The reason I know what it was is she asked if we had any extra plastic bags as we were about to start engines becuase it was starting to leak...

"Well I know what's right, I got just one life
In a world that keeps on pushin' me around
But I stand my ground, and I won't back down"
  -Johnny Cash "I won't back Down"

Offline happylanding

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1072 on: July 08, 2007, 11:01:06 PM »
A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."

He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right." To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Fine," she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break."

"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!"

So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"

She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either screw him or bake him a cake."

He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"

She replied, "Hellooooo... Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?"
I give that landing a 9 . . . on the Richter scale.

Offline Skid Kid

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1073 on: July 10, 2007, 02:22:41 AM »
« Last Edit: July 10, 2007, 10:31:28 PM by Skid Kid »
Don't worry, it'll buff out.

Offline FlyboyGil

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1074 on: July 10, 2007, 04:04:21 PM »
A husband walked into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife.

He was shown several possibilities that range from  $250 to $500 in price, the  more sheer,  the higher the price. Naturally, he opted for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and took it home.  He presented it to his wife and asked her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

Upstairs, the  wife thought, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modelling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the  $500 refund for myself."

She appeared naked on the balcony and struck a pose.

The husband said, "Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!"

He never heard the shot.

Funeral on Thursday at noon.

Closed coffin.
IF YOU CAN'T SAY ANYTHING NICE, YOU'RE PROBABLY AT THE ICE CAPADES

Offline Rooster Cruiser

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1075 on: July 10, 2007, 06:51:46 PM »
Gil, I LIKE IT!!!   ::rambo:: ::rambo:: ::rambo:: ::rambo:: ::rambo:: ::rambo:: ::rambo::
"Me and Earl was haulin' chickens / On a flatbed outta Wiggins..."

Wolf Creek Pass, by CW McCall

Offline Rooster Cruiser

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1076 on: July 10, 2007, 07:20:19 PM »
A bit Risque, but what the heck...   ;D ;D ;D

A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons. The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!"

"Well, what should I do?", asks the man. "Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast."

Taking the advice, he takes a swing, and POW! He hits the ball 250 yards straight up the fairway. The ecstatic man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson.

The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard."

"What can I do?" asks the wife.

"Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis."

The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP the ball skips down the fairway about 15 feet.

"You know, that was a lot better than I expected," the pro says. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and hold it in your hands..."
"Me and Earl was haulin' chickens / On a flatbed outta Wiggins..."

Wolf Creek Pass, by CW McCall

Offline AirScorp

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1077 on: July 11, 2007, 02:40:26 AM »
Great one!!!

Man I think I've heard so many dirty jokes I can hardly think of a decent one (pun  ::rofl:: )

I started writing a joke but then thought it's as dirty as the "Aristocrats"

Oh well.. It's the one with the vaseline-powered car, btw
It's all Greek to me!

Offline FlyboyGil

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1078 on: July 11, 2007, 02:53:47 AM »
Great one!!!

Man I think I've heard so many dirty jokes I can hardly think of a decent one (pun  ::rofl:: )

I started writing a joke but then thought it's as dirty as the "Aristocrats"

Oh well.. It's the one with the vaseline-powered car, btw

Vaseline powered car? Ok now I want to hear it. I think ::thinking:: ::thinking::
IF YOU CAN'T SAY ANYTHING NICE, YOU'RE PROBABLY AT THE ICE CAPADES

Offline Mike

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Re: Humor....I need Humor!
« Reply #1079 on: July 11, 2007, 04:19:12 AM »
Gil, I hope you understand we had to delete your religious joke there.

It's sad and even though I totally agree, I DO NOT want to get roped into a discussion about this subject here with Chicken Wings. . .

Quite frankly, these guys scare the crap out of me.


Sorry.



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